how can you tell if you're relapsing?

[sophy]

Hi, I'm new to this forum (or any online forum for that matter) but would really love to connect with other people who have gone through similar things.

I'm in recovery from depression/anxiety and most of the time feel like I'm doing ok. But sometimes, like today, it feels as if the world is crashing in again and that I just can't cope. I get really worried that this means I'm relapsing and will end up in an institution again.

Is this common? And how can you tell the difference between a relapse and just a shitty day?

Would love to hear from anyone even if you haven't been able to answer this question yourself.

x sophy

[geoff]

dear Sophy, welcome aboard and good to have you join us.

This is always a terrible thought, one that we really wish wouldn't happen to us, but it can, and we can't really stop it, although there are ways in which we try to, like taking our dog for a walk around the block or down to the park, or maybe go to the gym, but the problem is once we get home again does this feeling come back to haunt us.

I have found myself that any relapse doesn't last as long as previously as the long haul we once had to go through.

Just lately I had lost my little dog of 18 years, and that was bloody hard to overcome, but the important part to this is that I knew that I would recover, whereas with depression there never ever seems to be any light appearing.

That's the best part in having any relapse is that you know that you are having a shitty day or so, but it will fade away, because being positive means that depression has gone.

Don't worry about these days because everyone has them and now you are in recovery, slowly and surely you will have the strength for those days to become shorter, and then learn on how to try and avoid them. Geoff.

[Scotty2013]

Hi Sophy for myself things like sleep start getting out of whack, diet ,isolation etc. It's a slow thing though, not so much a bad day, it's long term.  Mood starts to get more irritable too, and attitude changes. I may be impulsive with things buy things i do not need, there is more cant think of right now, this is my experience. TC..

 Dear geoff sorry about your dog..lost our family one also a month ago, yes it's like loosing a member of your family painful,  keep your chin up..

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Sophy,

 "I get really worried that this means I'm relapsing and will end up in an institution again"

You poor thing feeling that the men in white coats will be upon you for having a bad day.   I've had Police take me to the psych admission and when I'm heading down that dark path I sometimes egg my wife on and say "Go on, call the Cops - I'll be waiting outside on the front wall".  But that is all very stupid and hysterical. The only weird thing with such an outburst of extravagancial drama is that is somehow calms my mood down and my wife will see that I just needed to shout something, anything, maybe related or not.  It was one big release.

So, what's your release ?   Can you re-direct the negativity in any way ?  Get the vacuum out and blitz the house ?   Wash all the windows ?   Write a really shitty letter to someone that annoys you, spread peanut butter on it and feed it to the dog next door.   You gotta find the thing that works for you and then the institutions will leave you alone.  Unless they like peanut butter.

Adios, David.

[sakuragirl88]

Relapsing it seems can come in many shapes and forms.

I moved from perth to bunbury 3 months ago as being in perth at the job I was in was causing me to get far too stressed and also aided in me getting severely depressed. I'm still on that long road of recovery (but my therapist says that I'm doing a lot better since making the move and changing my life) and I still relapse.  I tell through no eating and when I get really hungry, binge on food that is no good for me and makes me ill, I can't sleep properly and its like I live on fast forward mood until I come crashing down as I can't stop until I've managed to please everyone but myself, which never happens.

Shitty days are just that, but you can generally wake up and tell if its going to be a shitty day or not.  If it lasts longer then one day, then its generally telling you something needs to change. But there is always a 'light at the end of the tunnel' if it is just a shitty day.

Like Geoff said, relapses don't last as long as the last one.  By getting through the relapses and the shitty days, you are well on your way to controlling how you feel (or so I'm told).

I hope this helps and sorry for the long post.

P.S.  Regular exercise does wonders for the mood (even if it only lasts long enough to get you through the immediate issues, it's enough most times)

[geoff]

dear David Charles, my friend, a personal question but you know I wouldn't hurt you after 1046/842 posts, but are your hospital incarnations becoming longer apart, although you had a few days off, just saying. Geoff.

[sophy]

Thanks guys, it really helps hearing that other people feel the same as me. One thing I've noticed is if I'm starting to feel down the first thing that goes is my appetite. I'm really trying hard to keep eating even when my brain tells me not to. Why do our brains try to work against us?! 

[geoff]

dear Sophy, this could be used first at any meeting or gathering and how true it is,  'Why do our brains try to work against us', it's an excellent question to start off with. L Geoff. x

[Pauline]

Dear Sophy,

I have only just joined BB but felt I had to respond to your post. I did a wonderful therapy course ten years ago while going through major depression. Could  you ask around to see if there are any classes near you? One of the points that stuck out in my mind was when in recovery you might wake up one day and feel terrible and worry that you are having a relapse. My counsellor said to try and look at it logically. Everyone gets "blue" days. Why not think "OK, I feel like ... I might as well enjoy it, pamper myself, dont get dressed, get the chocolate out, watch a really good soppy movie that makes me cry, because tomorrow I'm going to wake up feeling fine again, and wont have time to do all those things"

I found it worked Sophy, and very rarely now have one of those days. The main thing to remember is NEVER let it go on for longer than a day - thats all you are allowed. If it does, see your Dr or Psych.

I wish you all the very best Sophy because there IS life beyond depression,

Pauline

[breakingthru]

Hello all, I am new to this site and have read this topic with interest and can relate to all of you and your wonderful and honest replies.

To David firstly above, I can tell the difference between a shitty day and a relapse when the shitty days turn into mood swings every few minutes or hours.  Feeling anxious all the time, getting irritable and angry over things that would normally fly over my head,  forgetting to eat,  sleeping patterns become less than norm and starting to have more energy than you normally would have.  

If however you are feeling the down swing with depression then that's a harder pill to swallow and there is no easy answer but to try and keep your mind active, don't be a recluse, be around people that can give you some energy, chat on this forum if your'e feeling like it and reach out as much as you can.  Be honest to those around you when they ask the simple HOW ARE YOU....say I'm feeling a bit down today and take whatever dose of advice they give you. 

I've been diagnosed Bipolar over 30yrs ago and for the most part have been medication free and learned a lot about my condition, more so in my forties when I finally started to accept it.  After my last involuntary admission in 2008 where I was locked away for 3.5 weeks I have worked even harder to recognise symptoms however my anxiety and frequency of it have increased tenfold, along with depression and highs. 

I learned that after every break down I actually had a break thru.  

I try and wake up every day and find something positive no matter how I feel

I try and avoid people who bring me down and isolate myself if and when I need to

However and the big however is, I can't always control what I want and try I might sometimes it's gonna happen. My anxiety seems to be with me all the time now and it takes very little to make me feel that way.  Lately I'm angry at a lot of people for many reasons and I want to write to them as things they say and do upset me to tell them how they made me feel, so I do but I don't send it because I know I'm probably overreacting and I can't take back what has been said.  However if I still feel that way after I speak with them then I do tell them without the anger and hurt I was feeling initially.

Over the last few weeks in particular, I tried to change my diet to lose those extra kilos and it worked making me feel great, combined with some beautiful weather and the anniversary of my fathers death 30 yrs ago and his first grandchild turning 30, my daughter who he missed out on meeting by 4 months it was enough to start me feeling like I'm relapsing again.

I was also completing a form for an insurance claim where I had to relive my history mentally and it took me back to places I didn't want to go ever again. TRIGGERS...GRRR

Becoming the expert at suppression and not talking to those closest to me about it cause they worry, makes it difficult.  I can talk to some friends but somehow the conversation always often turns to how they are feeling and me usually being the one to offer help ends up getting them thru their difficult time as somehow I make everyone feel comfortable opening up to me.

So then I'm still left feeling as I did.

Last night I had to ring the help line on here as I really thought I was breaking down and they were great and a professional team called me back and convinced me 2 sleeping tablets were better than the one I took and felt that I would be ok and didn't sound like I needed to be admitted.  That was such a relief to hear, as I said I'm scared to even contact hospitals as am scared of involuntary admissions especially when I have gone in of my own accord and that's what happens.

I still only managed about 5 hours sleep and hope to get more.  Was woken by my beautiful 27 yo who completed her first 10km fun run in 1 hr 8 mins.  That did make me happy and regretful that I meant to message her b4 hand to wish her luck.  Regardless she thought of her mum and put a smile on my face and heart when she completed the race.  This girl is my light, and without her my life would have been over many many years ago.  I couldn't call her at wee hours this morning and tell her how anxious and scared I was feeling, because scaring and upsetting her when I'm not well is pain I can't see her in although I know doing so would settle me.   I may tell her whats going on with me at the right time however she's stuggling with grief over an uncle just diagnosed with terminal cancer so I won't. She's my strong girl, sensitive and compassionate and lately I've noticed she's not coping as well with stress.  She's very talented, great career, owns her own home, boyfriend, travels, an army of friends and family.  
She takes as much time out for herself as possible and has 'me time' so I don't want to panic that she's becoming bipolar just cause I am, but I once was her so I'll be mindful and be watchful. I used to become more worried about my 30yo girl, who is so much more like me always and I've come to realise she actually is ok and although we are not as close I love her dearly an now I look at her and say your'e actually ok girl, your'e just the me that actually does cope alright in life 'cause you do as you please when you please for yourself and don't let others control where you need to be or who with..that I admire.

So having said all the above, I'm off to my GP tomorrow for some med's inbetween waiting to see my wonderful psychiatrist who I reconnected with after a 12 yr absence, long story but he's practicing again now so I had to wait till he cld take me back on as a patient.  I WON'T LET BIPOLAR take over my life again, it's part of me love it or hate it and I've learned a lot about myself and helped thousands of people in my life time without most of them even knowing.  I can give them wisdom, advice and tell them stories they can relate to and make them feel wonderful again.  If I can put a smile on the face of a stranger then I'm happy. 

Stay strong all, remember who comes first in life and put yourself first because it's necessary to