Aarghh Depression!!! My Story....

[Single_Soul]

Hello everyone! I just joined Beyond Blue and would like to communicate my experiences with depression and life thus far:

Firstly, it is a relief and a god send that such a place exists here. This is a real and soulful place where anyone can express their feelings upon their life and current situation.

I'm 32 years of age right now and to be honest lucky to be here. I've abused my body to the extreme (smoking, drinking, drugs etc.) seen many a friend come and go & I'm considered as a 'black sheep' by most of my extended family. Not too long ago, I went to bed and left the window open thinking 'If I have a heart attack and die tonight they can jump through the window instead of knocking the door down trying to find me, thus less trouble for my mother when she has to travel to my town to clean the house up'. That was my most recent rock bottom.

A time before that, I got drunk at the local pub and as drunk people do, acted like a total fool and disrespected the girl that I was seeing at the time, and my mates. That was the end of short-lived relationship with that lovely girl. Furthermore, the next night I was feeling like total crap and called my mother and acted like an idiot. Not long after received a call from my dad saying 'do not call your mother in that state again!'. I lost the respect of my family and friends, I was alone and the closest to committing suicide ever in my life the next day. I felt like a total loser and that I had no friends or family who gave a stuff about me!

As you can see, I have past issues with wanting/willing/waiting to end my life. It was a fight and struggle to straighten up! Drinking and drugs helped dumb me down and forget about the issues I had in life. Dumbing down came with it's consequences. I was spiralling in and out of depression, my health was failing and I never really learned to deal with the issues head on!

On the positive side, I have a mother who has listened and supported me from day one! Thank God for her! She has understood me, bailed me out of situations countless times and see's the true me. Also, I have managed to be full time employed all my adult life earning a dollar (at times 50c), and I love weight training, mountain biking & bushwalking. It isn't all grim.

I am a good person! I pride myself on my realness, honesty and integrity. Let me tell you this; If YOU are also a real, honest and good person (indeed you are!) ALL YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE VALID AND JUSTIFIED!!

Let me tell you what else, YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD!! There is ALWAYS someone out there who can help and listen. Sometimes you just need to look ok?!

Life is not handed to most of us on a silver platter. We must work hard, fight the temptations & not believe those who want to draw us into their negative whirlpools. We must control our internal dialogue (thoughts) because not everything we think in our minds is reality (especially negative thoughts about ourselves). No one is superior, not the bully at school, not the prime minister or even the queen! If someone does have a superiority complex it is because they are actually covering up their feelings of in-superiority. In the end, a person may be a member of this or that group but we are all INDIVIDUALS!! We ALL feel specific emotions (love, hate, jealousy etc.) that are actually not limited to this earth, they are experienced in some other animals on this planet and beyond!

Aaanywho, I will continue to focus on the positives, my health and being a genuine real person who feels. I will project my genuine self (soul) and try to understand and see the real person (soul) in everybody I encounter.

Check out my recent walk/jog in the bush dedicated to everyone here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OyIeP-HcZ8

Peace and love to you all ❤️

[Lust2Dust]

Hi Homines Populus and welcome to Beyond Blue, I am only a recent member and couldn't agree more that this is a god send. I would first like to say thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts and that it take courage to admit past mishaps and actions. Personally I turned to alcohol at my darkest times and would drink until i passed out waking up to find out how i acted, or what i said and who i had hurt. I viewed your you tube video and think it is a brilliant idea to film your walks (hopefully your ankle is healing well). We often take our Mothers for granted but as you said they listen and help no question's asked. Even though you have had a mixed past it sounds like your morals and beliefs are fantastic, and focusing on our positive aspects are sometimes very hard to do.

Keep up the good work  

[geoff]

dear Homines Populus, welcome aboard.

Your story is a graphic way on how we can develop when we are joining the devil in pure evils, ones that some of us have also joined with you now or in the past.

The change that you realised had to be done is a rather a phenomenal effort and you should be congratulated on doing this.

My mum used to always be there for us if and when we were in trouble or needed to talk to her about anything.

My ex wife was like that as our two sons were growing up, but now her attitude has changed where she is just black or white, there's no middle of the road, no compromise what's so ever.

When I talk to our sons they always say to me 'don't tell mum', because there's no rational with her, and I know that there maybe times when this is needed, but can I put this to you, does your psychologist yell and dictate to you or do they talk it through in a logical manner.

If they did yell at us we wouldn't go back and see them, and we would have two thoughts about seeing someone else.

To be able to control, stop or slow down from taking drugs and excessive alcohol requires a great deal of mental power, and it can only be done if you are determined to do it by yourself, because nobody can be forced to stop taking them because it will never work.

You have seen the light and have plenty of activities to keep you occupied, and we wish you the best and please reply if you want to. Geoff.

[Single_Soul]

Hi Lust2Dust, thanks for the welcome and touche... I indeed still have some bad days but I know if I stay clean and not use/abuse stuff I will be much better off. The ankle is still very swollen and bruised, looking forward to the weekend to rest it like I should be... Thanks for acknowledging my morals and beliefs, I'm far from perfect of course.

I still have trouble trusting people. I would love to be totally vulnerable and honest 24/7 to all but too many take advantage of this and burn me.. I suppose that is why I am being anonymous here, I wish I didn't have to be.  

[Single_Soul]

G'day Geoff, thanks for reading my story. Thanks for the compliment regarding my attempt to continue life without use of illicit substances/excessive alcohol. I sure get tempted some times especially when I'm feeling great and a load of disposable money in the bank or feeling crap...

I'm sorry to hear that your ex wife does not compromise, especially when your sons are involved. Try not to let it bug you, one of the challenges I give myself is to attempt to accept or get along with everyone I encounter (even the difficult ones). Sometimes it takes a lot of patience, sometimes I need to bite my tongue and other times I want to scream!! Hopefully it will become natural and automatic for certain people not to affect me in negative ways in the end..