What to do?

[liraeli]

Hi, 

Ok I don't really know how to start, sorry. For several years, going on 6, I have had issues with my mental health, particularly depression. I am only grade 12 right now, and still young. This is something my parents have been aware off, in fact 5 years ago both them and my teacher sat down with me and discussed this topic, however they made no move to get me help. Since then things have only gotten worse, despite it being an on and off issue for me. At the end of grade ten however, I came to the realisation that I am pansexual. It took me several months to accept, but once I did my mental health improved dramatically. I didn't come out to anybody until then. My parents always said they would accept us no matter our sexuality, but since I came out to them (as bisexual; I don't think they would really understand pan, or be willing to) more and more problems began to start. My mother already had issues with me, insisting that I "hate all Christians" simply because I chose to be an atheist (I don't care about a person's religion as long as they don't use it to fuel negative behaviours and ideals-there are many good Christians). The problems were always the worst with mum. She would constantly tell me that it was just a phase, make snide comments about my sexuality, get angry at me if I so much as glanced at a female and would add in on those terrible conversations about dating boys and marrying a nice young man with 'or woman' in a disapproving tone as well as a shared "oh, she's one of them" glances with the other person (always managing to ignore me in the whole process). Really, all she wants is for me to marry a guy, settle down with a huge mortgage, 2.5 kids and a 5 seater car plus family dog. And that is all she will ever accept. Dad takes more off a passive stance (but frequently tells me that he "doesn't understand") however he will always take my mother's side. It is something I really cannot stand. I have always gotten good grades, and even complete units at university while in grade 10 and 11, so mum saw this as losing her bragging rights. I might be paranoid, but she will always talk about me and my life as if it is her achievement, and I have no part in it. By being open about who I am she's lost some of these "rights" because apparently being attracted to the same sex is shameful.

From then, things worsened to the point where I had a huge breakdown in front of them. I had already been struggling and this was the last thing I wanted to happen as they always manage to make me feel ashamed of my emotions, interests and even physical appearance. In the end I told them that I wasn't coping and I just needed to get out and away from them. I really shouldn't have, and still regret doing so. Their response was to tell me how I was insulting them, that I was shoving in their face that they are failures and 'bad parents' and how I am a terrible child for doing so, after they had 'done so much' for me. Mum even said that we should take me to a psychologist, but in the next breath said that they can't if I ever wanted to go on exchange to Japan (which was a terrible excuse and we all know it. We could never afford the trip, it was a pipe dream and it was simply a cover up for their unwillingness to help. Besides what is more important, a trip we can't afford, or my mental health?) After telling them of how I couldn't cope, they would constantly guilt trip me by going on about how they couldn't cope with petty things such as having to cook (keep in mind that my brothers and I would cook practically every night, and still do). 

Basically they made me worse, and found every reason other than themselves to blame my issues on. 

There is more to come though and I am sorry that this is so long and whiny.

Since then, I have come to terms with other aspects of who I am, despite feeling pretty terrible for stamping all these labels on myself that don't conform to societal standards. I am also polyamorous and genderfluid. My age also makes this difficult, as I get the feeling that people just think "You're a 16 year old girl, you could never possibly know such things about yourselves (but obviously we do)". I haven't been open with family about this, but my friends know as well as my peers at my new school about being polyamorous at least (yay starting at a new school in grade 12 that must be really great). In terms of genderfluid, only a few people know. Everybody at my school is great, and very understanding. I haven't had any form of discrimination from them which is wonderful. 

Being genderfluid, there are times when I love my body and feel great in it. Other times though, I can experience dysphoria because I simply do not want the body of a girl. It is changing constantly (and no I am not confused I know who and what I am) and of course when I identify as male and get the dysphoria with it, this can make things harder.

On the polyamorous subject, I was dating two lovely girls for around 4 months too, of which only one was known to my parents. (we were not a triad) however about a month ago the girlfriend my parents knew of broke up with me because she decided we weren't right for each other. We are still friends, and the breakup has actually had basically no effect on my mental health. I am still with the other girlfriend and we are pretty happy together and I know that without her I wouldn't still be here. She has been helping me through the past couple weeks which have been my worst yet. 

I am scared though, because I don't know whether it will be enough. I still have constant issues with family, and just over a month ago our GP suggested that we all get psychological help, because out of my family of six my father and I seemed to be the ones in most need of it for depression, anxiety, stress and anger management. Of course, we never got this help (my father and youngest brother have both been to psychologists on multiple occasions though before this). 

Suicide is something that has crossed my minds many times in the past, and now it is something that is always on my mind. I am constantly debating it. I feel constantly sick, and even my periods are much heavier and painful, bringing crippling pains and sickness with them. 

I want help, that is why I am here. I know that. I also think that the best help I could get is getting away from my family. I really feel as if that is the only way that I could be helped. And talking over the phone isn't really an option - my family would hear and I don't want them to. I can't even see my friends in person anymore, and only have the chance to see my girlfriend very rarely (next weekend will be the first time in over 2 months). I know I am not alone, and many have worse problems (despite me not even talking about all of mine otherwise this would be huge and tiresome to read), but that doesn't really change how I feel.

Sorry for this being so long, I just don't know what to do. 

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[JessF]

Hello liraeli, the family environment doesn't sound very stable for you at the moment, but if you're having suicidal thoughts all the time it is not a good idea for you to be on your own. Can you go and see your family doctor again and tell him or her about how you are feeling now? I can understand not wanting to make calls in case your family overhears, but this is your welfare we are talking about. Do you have a cellphone, could you perhaps go down to a nearby park or outside to make the call?  beyond blue also have a web chat, so you can talk to a counsellor on here on your computer.