Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Happy NY to you Daz & C4 and anyone else that may also be reading and following along. Great to read that you guys are slowly adjusting to the huge change. Sucks being back into the routine doesn't it. Can't we have the whole of January off.

The shyness will wave every now and then Daz.

But you know what? Shyness in this regard is really really nice! All that tingling going on, all over your body....the blushing, the self deprecation..the nervousness.. Welcome it in. Because it symbolises a new beginning & renewal.

You're a teenager all over again! Who knew that your late forties is the new 20.

Tingle away, and your anticipatory sweat will be every colour of the rainbow. I promise you. Try it. Wipe your brow with a tissues and it will be a streak of rainbow. All those gorgeous, hunky men checking you out Daz, it's gotta be stressful. I still get shy around women. I'm a total sucker for a pretty face. A Doll face gets me every time. I know she's out there somewhere.

Enjoy!

Def

[Esti67]

Hey thanks Daz,

I'm still around, feeling a bit loved up after some time away with my girl. I'm moving as soon as our tenants vacate our property. Maybe a month away. Haven't told the kids, that day is approaching and the thought of it makes me ill but theres no way around it. My hubby still gets wobbly on and off though more frequently these days as i move closer to me leaving. Yes, he's waiting to see a psychologist which I'm glad about.

Im excited and scared but when I'm with my girl i know what feels right. As you said, i need to let go of the guilt, however the hell i do that i dont know. It will be a time thing i guess.

Hope you are blossoming

E

[C4]

Hi guys things are going ok so far and I'm also planning to go to pride as well it will be exciting to see all the diversity there from all all ages. I'm also starting to go to my bowls group at the end of January which will be great to socialise more and then go to pride with the group. Hope to hear off everyone soon . Much love Craig

[Definitely_Otherwise]

C'mon Daz!!!!

It's time you had 'an experience' with a guy!!!! I want to see you out there buddy!!!! C'mon giddy up!!! None of this, "when I lose 10 kilos", "when I look better", "when I've been to the gym for 6 months"

There is a tipping point Daz. Shyness and timidity can become self loathing if you're not careful! Especially body self loathing. I don't want you there mate.

I went to a psychologist once for family issues, and he was a lovely gay guy. He was telling me he really really struggled and came out late. He couldn't reconcile his Christian faith, and his homosexuality. He was so terrified, and frozen, that he actually resorted to using a professional sex worker. He was telling me this sex worker was so incredibly nice, and patient and it wasn't seedy at all. Completely surprised him. They talked for hours. He said he had a lot of clients that had just come out, and they wanted him to help them break the ice. I'm not saying that this is everyone's cup of tea, it most definitely is not.

But break the ice Daz.

Otherwise, you build it up in your head, to a point where you head takes over and construes things that arent' there. Especially about our own bodies and feeling desired and attractive.

G'day Esti, hope you enjoyed Mardi Gras. The lonleliness and aloneness does get ya down some days. I understand.

You are attractive Daz!!! I promise. C'mon buddy!

Def

[Only_I_know]

Ha ha! you are funny and awesome Def!

I know, I know! I need to get out there. Believe me I have thought about a sex worker, I found an online site! I guess it is an option coz I can go for what I like the look of, someone that looks like what I've always dreamt of - all with no strings, and seeing I'm payin' - do what I want! LOL.

But then, I've only ever had the one partner - my wife. so I've got to work through all the mental stuff. Really, I'm not in any hurry, seriously I'm okay. I get what you are saying though, and I hear it a lot from my two mates (husbands) who have been looking after me. They give me the gentle push too.

I'm good, this will be the Year of the real Daz! I promise!

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I was just G'in ya up Daz with a hint of seriousness. LOL. I just would hate the negative internal voice get the better of you. I know that mine does some days, and I have to check it regularly to make sure it's not looping and putting myself down.

As I said, that psych I saw years ago who initially was so ashamed to have used a serive like that, couldn't believe how wrong he had been and judgmental. I guess a lot of it was nerves, and shame. He said he burst out of the closet after that cos he was still closeted.

I believe it is healthy to have time out from dating & relationships, to build your confidence and self belief. Mine has taken a battering and I realised that I actually haven't stopped to draw breath in years. 2019 is my year to focus my energies on myself, and hopefully learn to trust women again at some point. Anyone that just keeps flipping from one relationship to the next to the next to the next.....it makes me wonder how authentic their original intentions are, and how healthy that is. But hey, maybe they are just super lucky in love and are spolit for choice, what the hell do I know!

I am so happy to read that you have a pair of gay Godfather like figures in your life Daz to talk to and hang out. I can see them just now. Wear matching turtleneck scivvy's, walking twin dogs under the autumn leaves in Melbourne, coming home from the park to enjoy a nice drop of red together. Isn't that nice.

Enjoy ya self Daz. I'm sure you have many lonley days, and the sadness would sweep over you at times, but you're a very strong bloke. I'm really proud of ya!

Def

[Esti67]

Thanks Def,

Mardi Gras was great, have been before but not to the after party. Will definitely plan to have the Monday off as well next year. Got home at 720, pretty good for a 51 year old. Great to just be me with my woman dancing the night away.

Daz, i think a sex worker is a great option to help get things started. Your body will tell you what to do anyway. Hope things are hood gor you. Good luck on your adventure.

Posting my update on my thread

E x