Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hey Daz,

If you're moving out this weekend or next weekend I want to wish you the best of luck.

There will be so many mixed emotions inside you, you'll probably feel terrified, sad, distraught and excited all at once.

Not only will be you be moving on with your own life, you will have to witness your wife move on with hers, which won't be easy.

Hope it's not a scorcher and 40 degrees down in the southern state for you mate.

Def

[Only_I_know]

Hey Esti, the same goes for you! We've all shared our journeys and drawn support from each other over the time. The unit I've bought settles tomorrow, and I move in on Saturday, so Saturday is going to be a very emotional day for both me, my wife and my kids. It will no doubt be hard, but I reminded my wife tonight as she cried about how "real" it is becoming, that we love each other no less than we did 6 months ago (incidentally - I came out to her exactly 6mths ago tomorrow!). It just means different living arrangements.

Good luck to you too, and keep chatting to us on here.

Daz

[Only_I_know]

thanks Def

yep you've described it well. My wife and I chatted about it tonight, and we've just gotta keep an eye on the kids too. It helps that we still love each other to bits, but then it hurts more too. We don't want the other to be in the pain that we are feeling.

But it is happening, and we have to work with it. We know we will always love each other and have each other's backs and that is amazing.

I really don't know how people do it, when the relationship has broken down and there is anger. That would be really hard.

Daz

[Esti67]

Good luck this weekend Daz, lots of emotions for you guys. I think when a partner is decent its harder in the short term ( because of the guilt) but better long term. If you both are ok, the kids will be. Like you i could not imagine what it would be like if my husband became nasty. So much worse for all of us. Thinking of u guys.

E

[C4]

Hi Darren good luck with your move tomorrow I know it will be an emotional day for all concerned and I’m glad your wife is so supportive with you and you of her. I’m glad to have made your friendship and your advice has been invaluable to everyone on here. Try not to be sad in your new place even though at first it will be scary for you after all these years in a relationship. I’ll be here if you need to talk ok as I’ve been through it ok . Your a good man and loving father and youll get all the support you need . I wish I could help in person and give you a big hug to say it will be alright but I hope you enjoy the start of your new chapter in life mate . All the best for tomorrow ok I’ll be thinking of you . Craig

[Definitely_Otherwise]

It has been an amazing partnership Daz. You were blessed to find each other, and blessed to have such a supportive extended family.

As you say, you want your cubs to be OK through this difficult transition.

There will be a lot of tears, and big emotions, it will take time to adjust. But you will create new routines and it makes the world of difference that you're still great friends.

Don't roll an ankle or twist your back. Have a beer after you've emptied the last box.

Def

[Only_I_know]

thanks guys! I'm just sitting down after packing a few more boxes of my old books, and waiting for the call from the fridge delivery man. Settlement unfortunately was delayed until this arvo, so after rushing around to change a few things, all is just a waiting game now!

Thanks for your kind supportive words. It made me smile.

Def, yes I will take care of my back, it's already a bit sore from packing earlier in the week! I have a whole bunch of people helping with the move, 2 couples, my folks, my wife and kids! I think it'll be all over in a couple of hours tomorrow! Bring on the pizza and beer!!!

will let you know how I'm going over the weekend.

thanks you all again.

Daz

[C4]

Hi mate I have tears of joy hearing that news of your support good on you big hugs from me ok

[C4]

Hi Darren it’s Craig I’m just seeing how your move went today I hope it was ok and everything is going well. Hope to hear from you soon also welcome to the Batchelor life mate it is daunting at first but you’ll be ok I know you will . Best of luck in your new place and all the best. Craig

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, thanks.

Move went well, no major issues. I have no internet, it's amazing how much you rely on it! The ISP let me down and haven't delivered the modem.

I must say I'm enjoying the quiet. I had dinner with my wife (we haven't decided what to call each other yet, so we're staying with husband/wife) and kids, I dropped off extra fruit/veggies I'd bought, she invited me to stay (unplanned) for dinner. I think we'll be really good.

It was a bit odd on Saturday arvo, I'd originally suggested they leave early so we could all grieve, but it wasn't necessary. They stayed late, had pizza and drinks with some friends who came over, it was nice. I really do think that things will be ok.

Talk soon

Daz