Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[BB19]

Hey Craig
I decided last night not to post here again, because, like you, I feel my posts are negative and bringing the forum down. But, after reading your post just now, my heart breaks for you, I really get how you’re feeling at the moment. I don’t really have any words of wisdom or comfort for you at the moment, but I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you, sending you a big hug. Have a glass of wine (or whatever you fancy), relax, and know we are thinking of you.

[Only_I_know]

Craig you've been here alongside me on this forum for my entire journey, which I appreciate more than you can know.

Not everything can be positive, that's why we are here. What it is, is truth. Anyone that comes on here hoping for an answer to their problems and that after coming out everything is perfect then they are misguided. What we show here is that people don't need to do it alone, that there is people to talk to about anything. We offer support and friendship and guidance.

We're not perfect by any means. I have ups and downs too, this arvo I'm feeling teary and I don't know why. I'm even having some really negative thoughts like I did months ago, nowhere near as bad, but just am. I guess I'm feeling all alone even though I'm sitting in the same room as my family. But even all this being said, I wouldn't change a single thing about what I've done. I'm keeping it together for them. They're taking me out to dinner tonight for father's day, but I don't really want to go.

So I head here to talk to you guys, where I feel supported by people who understand and get me, and I immediately feel better. So come and chat when you need about anything.

Cheers Daz

[BB19]

Hey Scared and Lonely

As I said to Craig in the post above, I don't really want to post on here, as I feel my story is maybe a bit different, and bringing the forum down a bit. In am really glad though that you found this forum, the guys and girls on here are great, incredibly supportive. Talk to them, you will find real strength from them. I know the feelings you are going through so well, and I don't have much to say to help you with those feelings at the moment, because I am going through exactly the same. Thinking of you, and sending a big hug.

[BB19]

Hey Def, Daz, Tim and Craig

Thank you so much for your caring messages, It means a lot to me.

[C4]

I thank you guys I really do I’m on my break atm lucky no one is in the room as I’m teary right now . I guess this shows how much we care for each other as we’re all emotional for each other and I’m grateful for each one of you and the support you show each other . Darren your remarkable how you just adapted I envy you and for the other guys it will get better I promise you it’s just taking longer for me even though I’ve been out the longest out of us all . I really hope you guys enjoy your Father’s Day with the kids they won’t care who you’ve become they’ll love you all the same so don’t be sad please enjoy your day tomorrow ok

[BB19]

Hey Daz

Lol, saying that I am not going to post, and here I go again.

Go out tonight with your family and enjoy the dinner, you deserve to have a fun time with your whole family at the moment. Give your wife and kids a huge hug.

Hope you have a great time!

[Only_I_know]

See? I've perked up already!

Bb19, I hope you do keep posting here, or at least start your own thread if you feel the need. I post on other threads too. It doesn't matter. Important thing is you continue to talk. I'll still be there to support whatever you need.

Okay, I admit. I am a little peckish so maybe going out will be nice. I'llcome back and chat later.

Thanks Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Good on you BB19,

I’m glad you can’t help yourself but to post again. To you, Craig, Scared and lonely, I don’t consider your posts are bringing us down, simply reminding us all that we share a common goal via a painful path. We have all had very down and dark days on here. Darren is correct, we won’t have all of the answers and we will all have different ups and downs. The point is that we can support each other and give comfort to all that join, that they have people who cares for them. Craig , please continue to share your thoughts with us, they are very important and special. Darren, have a great night tonight, your family loves you as do so many you have helped here.

Guys you are all loved, please find it in yourselves to love yourself a little bit as well.

Tim.

[BB19]

Haha, here I go again!

Def, I wanted to say to you, your posts to me have really touched me, I keep on re-reading them. A warm embrace to you too.

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hey BB19,

I am saddened that you don't feel comfortable posting here again, but you are always the best decider on what you need and what feels right inside for you, so I would never pressure you.

While there is a lot of commonality between you guys, there will be differences, and some of you will be at the bottom of the wave while others are at the top.....easy to say, but try and respect your own inner process as your own, and unique to you. Craig, can I be honest? As someone who has also had a breakdown I can see fragility in other people....I think your health care/treatment could be adjusted or re-assessed. I don't think you are getting the best care right now with an exacerbation of your symptoms and deserve some more intensive attention. Breakdowns are physically exhausting not like any race I have swum or run before, and if I have learnt anything it is this - act early. See your GP early. Blue Simon - I am glad to read that communication between you and your wife has settled a little and progressed from the initial shock. I'm sure you guys will yoyo, and as you say, it is no-ones god damn business how you choose to live. Daz, you are on the cusp of huge change, moving out will not be easy, and it is so weird how the loneliness creeps in anyway when we should be excited isn't it?. Scared and Lonely, your story is very common, and you must feel sick sometimes. I don't have personal experience with what it feels like to be socialised as a man, but it can't be easy with all that pressure of what a man 'should be'. It sounds like you love your wife like family, but familial love just isn't the same. Still a very powerful bond that brings up intense emotions, but quite different.

BB19, I feel so sad because I see myself in you. I just want you to know that I totally understand how you're feeling. You feel contaminated. Travelling through life with that poisonous shame inside of you makes you feel like you are never close to anyone. People feel far away, shock and numbness kind of does that. That's probably why it was so scary falling in love with your young lover. He dissolved that distancing with no deliberate effort and you felt alive minus a lot of the shame.

I know you don't feel it right now, but I promise you BB19, you are not contaminated. I have been there for years. It's a constant battle. The conflict and inner turmoil we carry around tricks us into thinking we are. We were just little kids. Stay safe and look after yourself mate,

Def