Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Good evening friends!

There has not been a single night since I created my username "Only I know" back on 19th April, that I haven't logged in here. I may not have posted every night, but I have read various posts, on many different threads - from Sexuality and gender identity, to Anxiety, family issues etc. The common theme is that the regular people that do log in and comment, are absolutely amazing people, who do in fact care about the wellbeing of others. It constantly reminds me of the 2 different people that stopped their cars at 1 in the morning when I was in my lowest state ever, in a position of contemplating dumb things - and asked if I was okay and could they help.

Having complete strangers offer support was and is, a very humbling experience. This means that all of us here now, should remember that on those times that we feel alone, that we are actually not completely alone. We have us. Should you feel down, then just post your thoughts - doesn't matter what, don't apologise for ranting or being negative. You may not get an immediate reply, but we are still there.

If I could rename this thread - I'd rename it to "Welcome to Club Phoenix - a place of love, friendship and support".

warmest wishes to you all.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Well said Daz,

Never underestimate to power of the spoken or written word. No matter how down you are, or how alone you feel, a simple act of kindness, compassion and understanding through communication can save a life. These special words of support serve to bind us together in our common search for our true selves. The people we meet though this support network, many of whom remaining forever faceless, become very important in our lives. Thank you all for sharing your painful journeys, so that others like me don’t feel so isolated and alone.

I have clearly had a reasonable day. I have finally secured a mental health plan to enable me to move forward with a psychologist. Although still guttered, confused and unsure by what I have done, my wife is a little better mentally and has her own appointment tomorrow. I dearly miss her already and know that I am the reason why I can no longer hold her and be held back . I do however, look far into the distance to a time where I can be me. A very long and rocky road lies ahead.

I also spoke to a very special person today who has supported me from the beginning. His wisdom, humour and caring has touched my heart. I consider myself extremely fortunate to have him watching my back and walking me down this long and rocky road.

I hope you all have found something special, however small, in you day today and that can give you the strength and courage to continue your own journey.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, I too have had a pretty good day. Work was actually okay for a change. I had a few laughs too, which is always good.

I did end up burning the veggies roasting in the oven for dinner, as I was very happily preoccupied with something else. I can't remember the last time I felt that comfortable. The Veggies fell short of being charcoal, but didn't taste too bad with the gravy and roast pork!

It is important that we surround ourselves with caring people, and those that really get it. Even when we move past the immediate problems and pain, we will require continued friendship and support. There are so many stages. Each stage can different for each of us. I imagine that I will need all of your support for a long time to come, and appreciate what you have given so far.

I gain more confidence each day, letting more and more people in on my "not so secret".

I have thought about changing my screen name from "Only I know", but I think that it represents an important part of my 47 years, and who I was. I'm proud of the man I was, the man I am, and the man I want to be.

I hope I one day find that special man that "sees me" and wants to be with me for the rest of my days. I've been a one woman man, but now I'd like it to be a one man man. I look forward to being with him and experiencing a fulfilling life together, one filled with travel, food, wine - you name it - as long as we're together.

I think you can tell that I've had a pretty good day. It finished with a nice surprise that I enjoyed very much. It didn't even involve a drink!

I'm so tired now, I think with the way I am feeling, I may get the first full night sleep in weeks. My eyes are so heavy!

Thanks mate, I don't think I can fully explain how appreciative of the friendship I am, but then sonething tells me that I don't need to explain- you already know and understand.

Good night, and talk tomorrow.

Daz

[Only_I_know]

What goes up must come down.

Finished on a high yesterday but today is really hard. Just found out someone at work is being seconded into another role for 3 months and I have to pick up the slack. Already stressed to the max with my own workload and life.

Breathe.

[Blue_Simon]

Hey mate,

I hope you are getting more cash for doing more work. Maybe it’s a positive Daz, it will keep you occupied and busy and give you something else to focus on for a while? Regardless, we are always here to talk mate.

what else has been happening today?

Craig and BB19, haven’t heard from you guys for a bit, hope your both OK? Please reach out when you can so I know your good. I am here to help you as much as you guys have helped me over the past few weeks.

[BB19]

Hey All
You are all so supportive to each other, its really beautiful to see.
Dev – my wife and I spoke about a relationship like that a few years ago, never really agreed or disagreed (she didn’t want it for herself), just sort of stopped talking about it, same as with my sexuality. I also do have 1 friend that knows all about me. a gay guy that I have become very close with (platonic), really my only friend at the moment. He lives overseas, so difficult to sit and chat to him.
Craig, you are not weak, you are an inspiration to the guys on here! You had some serious guts to do what you did, and to take the steps to move forward to a new life. I know it still hurts so much, but that will get better, you are strong.

Daz - I agree with Tim, the extra responsibility might be very good to focus on now, go for it!

Tim – thanks for asking. Its not going so well. Still really struggling with my thoughts, can't get hold of them.

A lot of things going through my mind all the time. There are two things that keeps on coming up the last few weeks that I have not mentioned in my previous posts, both no one else knows about, except obviously the people involved.
I did fall in love once with a guy. He was much younger than I, a beautiful man. We met, I insisted we keep it casual, but we saw each other more and more, something I never did. I did not have the capacity for something like this in my life, but we did fall for each other, hard. I loved spending time with him. I knew it could not be, and he wanted more than I could offer, so we ended it. It hurt a lot. I think of him still, just about every day.
The next one I have been thinking about all night if I should mention it here. Its difficult to talk about. Something happened to me when I was just a little boy, something that never should happen to any child. I dealt with it in my own way then, and I have always dealt with it throughout my life, but it has really come back to me these last few weeks, on my mind all the time.

Listened to a song “Us” by James Bay last night –“Tell me how to be in this world, tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt”. So much hurt in this world for so many people.

[Only_I_know]

Hi Bb19

You sound like you are going through the same as all of us. You would see that we've all talked about councilors, and suggest you go and see one. Your comments show that you definitely have a need to.

You would have seen QLIFE mentioned, maybe call there for a start. Is anonymous and peer support. Of course keep chatting here too, you are welcome here, and no judgement. You can say whatever. You sound as if you are really hurting and we worry about you, so please seek some help as suggested. It is hard, but it makes a huge difference.

Will talk again later

Cheers

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

I completely, completely, completely understand BB19. The shame and humiliation is crippling. That 'something', happened to me when I was little too. I have had several breakdowns as a result and struggle with anxiety and depression most of my adult life. It totally messes with your head doesn't it mate? Some religious nuts in my family have suggested this is why I am gay. Kinda like I did a reverse reaction, which is absolute rubbish. Yes it definitely made my process longer, more confusing and just plain sad. I am just so so so sad inside. The natural evolution of my sexuality was taken by him.

I have met a few guys in my life where it happened to them when they were little and it totally confused them when they started to experience same sex attraction. Really really msessed them up. Like they felt they were linked. For me, I feel they are 2 separate things, I am gay, and always was.

You said you fell in love with a much younger guy, the women I fell in love with who is married in a hetero relationship is 15+ years older than me......so, so, so, so left field. Never ever in my wildest dreams did I think that could happen to me. I don't think I will ever get over her. The pain in my heart is so raw, I cry most days and I miss her so bad.

I'm not sure if time heals either of these wounds BB19....

Would you consider seeing a doctor or a therapist? I know it's not everyone's thing and its a daunting process. I can totally relate to the anger outbursts, insomnia, sadness, humiliation and shame. It's evidence that you can't supress it anymore and your memories are much clearer now.

I really really feel for you, and totally understand what you're feeling and the turbulent emotions that come up.

I am so angry this has happened to you. You were a precious, innocent child.

Def

[BB19]

Hey Daz and Def

thanks for responding so quickly, I am really quite emotional this morning, good to know you are out there, and care.

Def, you have me not only crying here, but sobbing. I really feel your pain too. I am so sorry its happened to you! I am so so sorry.

I don't know if I can see someone, not someone who can open up like that - I am amazed at myself that I am saying these things on here.

I will think about it.

I am listening to some music (always find some solace in music), and have watched a video on Youtube. a song sung by a gay gay who also had some rough times. the performance got to me, its beautiful. If you want to watch it, it is Brian Justin Crum singing "Creep" on America's Got Talent.

[BB19]

Def

"The natural evolution of my sexuality was taken by him."

That is so true.