Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

Thanks Tim.

I'm moving out a lot of the big furniture today, some friends are storing it in their garage so we can declutter and present our house nicely when it goes on the market.

I'll keep checking in on you throughout the day, but if I don't post immediately don't worry, I'm still here.

I'm much happier now that you've made a promise, one that I'll hold you to.

Think happy thoughts for a while.

Maybe go and have an icecream. One big fat cone with all your favorite flavors. Icecream is proven to lift your mood!

Talk soon.

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Hi Blue Simon,
Your wife wouldn’t be human if she wasn’t reacting as strongly as this. When I came out to my long-term boyfriend, he went troppo. I thought he was going to hit me. His ‘manhood’ had been humiliated and he felt inadequate.
And the truth is, he was. Not because of some inner failing of him, but because I was a lesbian living a lie, living a half life, being unfulfilled, feeling empty, and just so sad. My story is different. I never fell in love with a man, ever. The healthy expression of my innate sexuality had been interrupted by child abuse and also my socialisation reinforced the brainwashing. Daz said that as a society we have come a long way, but if the society of your nuclear family hasn’t……you’re left very depressed and frightened. The marriage equality results were not overwhelmingly favourable for a reason. Christianity, the fear of what your parents will think and macho masculinity has done a pretty good job of keeping people hidden and deeply ashamed.
You guys are the exception. I know that you must look around at people that have acknowledged their same-sex attraction from day dot and think you’re wimps…….but most people who actually go as far as entering heterosexual marriages, bury it.
It comes out sideways in depression, loneliness, resentment, discrete encounters, mental illness, physical illness, aggression, substance abuse……..you name it guys, you are the exception.
It takes tremendous courage.
Your plan to be ‘unconventional’ long-term was always going to fail BS. You know why? Because despite what a lot of straight people think, you can not reduce us to a sexual fetish.
We fall in love.
And when you do Simon, it will feel like home.
The grief of causing pain to another will never go away. You will just somehow learn to live with it.

Take a step back and prioritise yours and your wifes safety and mental health. do not underestimate where the mind can take you and how quickly

Def

[Only_I_know]

Very well said Def.

Wise words indeed.

We are fortunate to have been able to love, but now we can look forward to the real fulfilling love intended for us.

Daz

[C4]

Hi I’ve just returned from a gym session and whilst I was there I couldn’t concentrate on my workout all I could think about was Tim and Darren I almost broke down when I heard a song on the radio that reminded us of our struggle. Even though we’re hundresd of kilometres apart our common link will bind us together always and I’ll be thinking of you two through out the day . In some ways I think I’m the third wheel with your common link with children but just know I’ll be supportive all the time ok guys . Big hugs today from Craig

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Def,

Thanks you for your concern,compassion, and courage. At the moment my concern is for my wife. I don’t what else to say. I have ruined her world and although I know that life will go on for both of us, it seems so far away and far to painful to see. I am supporting her the best I can and that WILL NOT change. It will just look different for a while. I will never get over the pain I have caused to this wonderful woman.

Thanks too for you insights. You have so much information to share even through your own pain and fear. Yes, the question of whether I should have acknowledged this from day dot has been raised several time today. Your insights on the modern world and social and religious expectations are also spot on. I will have to face society, family and friends at some point to explain this and I am expecting the best and worst of those I know to come out.

I don’t know if I feel courageous at the moment, I feel like something you step in at the dog park. I know in time this may change! It’s just too early or confusing right now. I do agree with one thing, although all deeply ashamed, lonely in our skin, and filled with fear and heartbreak, Darren, Craig and now I have faced this by burying it yes, but by not sliding into harmful and destructive behaviours. Although I should have trusted my wife with the truth first, I am so very happy to have found Darren and Craig to guide me.

Thanks again Def for sharing and caring for us.

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Craig,

You are certainly not the third wheel. We have all had wonderful women in our lives that we truely feel in love with. Some chose to have children, some did not. I almost did not. The link we share is the courage to be truthful to ourselves despite knowing we will destroy all we have genuinely loved for so long, and continue to care deeply for. You were the first. Your help and guidance has, I am sure, showed many of us that from pain, self-loathing, fear and confusion can come a new you. A truer you. Your pain is still real but you are moving forward. You have our support as much as you give us yours, remember that. One thing I have learnt from this forum is that communication is the key to most things. It is through lack of communication in the first place that I find myself here. Never again will I allow this lack of communication to cause the damage it has.

I will continue to post here for many, many months/ years to come.

Stay safe mate,

T.

[Blue_Simon]

Hey Daz,

I know how painful today must be for you. I’m glad you have friends able to help make the move a little easier.

I meant the promise, nothing stupid from me and I’m glad you will hold me to that.

FYI, it’s raining and cold here for the first time in months. The rain started the exact moment I sat with my wife and told her on Friday night. The dark clouds rolled in and have stayed all weekend. I hope in time the sun will show its face again for my wife and I and some joy can return.

Thanks Daz, talk later.

[Only_I_know]

Craig, no third wheel here. We are all the spokes in this wheel of life. Without the support from all of us, the wheel will only buckle and break. We may have differences in age, and family situation, but that doesn't change the fact that we have gone through the same experience.

We just need to pull together to make the wheel turn, no matter how slowly it goes.

cheers

Daz

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, moved all the furniture now. It was the same friends that were over last night. a lot of hard work but the house now has less clutter so we can style it to make it look nicer.

I can tell you though, no pain here today with the moving at all. It's just the furniture. It will be harder on the weekend of 3rd Nov, when I move and I will definitely need hugs then, but that's still awhile away. Our friends are awesome, apart from storing the furniture in their garage. Last night when we watched the footy (and sadly, the Swans were beaten!!!) we were able to talk all sorts of crap like we usually do - Politics, drugs in footy and me being gay, and how the future looks for both my wife and I. Not confronting at all, it was just us all talking like we have over the last 20+ years.

I can't tell you how glad I am to read your comments about not being stupid. I'm smiling at you now.

You must have sent the Brisbane weather down here, yesterday and today bright sunshine and no clouds. Only 15c today, but it feels more like 20c.

You said you have to face society, family & friends and explain, well actually you don't. You don't need to explain anything at all. You can just tell them what is happening, and those that are not positive can just get lost. There are only 3 people who really matter. But you'll be surprised at how much support you will get anyway.

I also didn't think I was courageous, but in fact it was. The courage may have come from despair, but you still did it. And you are amazingly awesome for doing it.

What I'd like you to try and do now, is to start changing some of your inner monologue, and stop using the "destructive" terminology. It doesn't help you, your wife or your baby girl. That was pointed out to me, and I did find it hard at first, but the sooner you understand that, the sooner you can get on with helping your wife.

You are not a bad guy, in fact you are awesome. You've been a loving husband and father and your continued need to take care of them proves that.

I'm free the rest of the arvo now, just a little bit of tidy up, but I'll be on my computer and ready to chat if you need.

cheers

Daz

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Yes blue Simon, you are right, you are going to be, and feel, cross examined at times. Accused of living some fraudulent life. You may lose friends and family. You may lose colleagues and experience long periods of loneliness. But it is your quest to live an authentic life that has got you to this point.

It's no walk in the park living an authentic life.

But remember you are not on trial.

I feel sorry for your wife. It is going to be a very long journey for her, made all the harder that she has a health condition, depression, that is a tough gig. Makes us very irrational at times. Her health needs are too much for you. It has to be out sourced to a trained 3rd party. I hope she gets good health professionals, its hard finding good ones.

You love her like family, and she is, and always will be family.......but it's just not the same. It's just not.

I was relived to read what line of work you are in. Becuase the institution of work can be just as stifling and restrictive as the the institution of family. How we are socialised and the expectations placed upon us can steal years off our lives, feeling that we must live in a way that others expect us to. I've known people to wait until their biggoted, Christian bully father or mother passes away until they give them selves permission to explore their same sex attraction. And I can understand this. We can't all come out as teenagers. The people in charge around us did not makes us feel like our life was ours, and ours alone. It is literally brainwashing. We felt un-worthy or just plain gross. Hence all the self-loathing, and living our life like we are stuck inside of some sort of pantomime.

You and your wife will be on a rollercoaster for a good while. Have realistic expectations of how long it will be.

You both hate yourselves right now.

She feels undesriable and gullible. And you feel cruel.

Neither of you are either of these. What you shared was honest and true.

But it's reached its end now. And it has changed forever.

Loss is very painful. But a big part of all of our lives.

Grief runs to its own clock. You can't force it BS.

Def