Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Daz,

Firstly, I love our club!!!!

Thanks again for such awesome advice. I am trying to be very careful what I say and do at the moment as I realise this is going to take some time. My wife has already agreed to come to councilling with me at some point which is great. I do get the impression that she is in denial and that she might think that the councilling may change my mind.

I did say to her last night that I didn’t want to be 90 also and not know my true self. She was so upset though that this might have been missed. I just dont know what she is thinking at the moment and I’m treading carefully. You are right though, I can’t take the words back.

Anyway, I will keep communication going and let you know what happens.

Enjoy your dinner with your friends Daz, I will walk the gardens one day.

Tim.

[Ruby__2]

Hi Blue Simon,

I am sorry this has been so hard on you and your wife.

I am the straight wife of a husband who after 32yrs decided he could no longer live a lie.

Kudos to him.While painful to hear, the torment he has put himself through worries me more.

I can't offer too much advice as everyone is different.Seek counseling for both of you.We have found individual counseling has helped.We also have acknowledged that whilst not married in the normal sense it suits us and our family.Learn to accept it is your life and how you deal with it is your choice. Don't give toxic people who aren't willing to have your back the time of day.

Your family will respect you for being you.Give your wife time-you have been so courageous. Life is not written in stone.

I don't know if my insights have helped (it is Saturday night after a few bevvies lol)but I did want to offer my support from "the other side "

If you need a wife's perspective, I am here.

Ruby xx

[Only_I_know]

Hey mate, I can't tell you how glad I am that you have told your wife. Ruby has some great advice too, you need to think how your new life looks, and if that is to stay where you are then that is your choice, you do not have to conform to anything anyone else says is "normal".

Like me, you said that you don't want to be 90 and not experience the real you (that's another 43 years! What an absolute drain that would be!). It was for that reason I said to her that I couldn't work with that anymore, I need to experience everything. I felt that she would resent it at some point, could be 6mths, a year whatever. That would mean I wouldn't have been me, and I think in the end we'd still separate but would run the risk of it not being amicable. Irrespective of our kids, I want to remain friends with my wife, I will always love her, and never want to lose her, we both agreed on that, and therefore the separation was the best course of action for us.

You will still be a loving family, you know that you love your wife, and you no doubt adore your baby girl. I'm sure your wife will still love you, as mine does. We have talked arrangements already, neither wants the other hurt. We're putting our house on the market soon, and we've agreed on a split of 60/40. I've also said that I will support them financially as much as I can. It does mean that my wife will need to increase her hours to help fund their expense. I'll give extra if needed etc. I'll be visiting 2 to 3 nights a week for dinner, the kids will stay a night a week with me (the benefit there is my wife will also be able to go out once a week with friends). We'll still have Sundays as family time.

I hope you can concentrate on your Uni stuff still, is there an opportunity that you can get an extension - perhaps for medical reasons?

After I've moved out, I think I'll take a break for a week somewhere, maybe get some sun or sit by a pool.

The gardens are really nice, you can see Melbourne sports precinct - MCG, AAMI Park, Rod Laver and more across the Yarra River, with the city skyline behind. It's magnificent.

have a good night, and keep going onwards and upwards.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

Thank you Ruby,

I'm sorry this has happened to you also but admire the way you have dealt with your own pain and can still assist others. My wife's torment has now kicked in and the anger has started. She is blaming me for everything and I can now hear hatred and loathing in her voice and the things she says.

I have destroyed her and everything I have known. I was hoping for a non normal arrangement as you described however the last 8 hours have now indicated that will not be possible. I very much appreciate your post from the wife's perspective and hope you continue to help me.

I have asked her to get councilling for herself and joint if she still agrees to that.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Mate really sorry to hear this. I think that she'll have many different reactions, right now she is down, but then she'll remember all the good times too. She will need to grieve, but so will you.

Hang in there, keep talking to her, don't get angry back. I think her feelings are normal reactions, unfortunately the wave just needs to be ridden, but you need to also understand that there was no alternative for you. Take the deep breaths, try and remain calm. Try and get her the counseling this week, it won't do her any good to continue to stew.

Keep talking to us. Will be thinking of you.

Daz

[C4]

Hi Tim I’m sorry it’s taken a turn for the worst on your wife’s behalf I remember that vividly and hearing this makes me cry for you as it brings back emotions I thought I’d dealt with . I don’t know how I can help mate you need positive thoughts and love not my negative vibe . I want to be there for you and give you a hug and say it’s ok and it’s alright and say out ok the be you . I know all this is confronting to as it is for me and I wish I could do more to help you heal over time . It’s a shame there’s not many groups around for gay married men to join but at least there’s here to help . Have a nice day ok

[Blue_Simon]

Hi Daz,

This morning I need your support like never before. The anger, bitterness, blaming, resentment, and accusations have started from my wife. This wonderful person who loved my 24 hours earlier is now in a very dark place of hate and regret. I have done what you have said and just listened. I have been labelled everything. She cannot see our whole lives together as anything more than a lie. I know she will resent me for a long time but I hope we too can be amicable.

Keep talking to me please.

Tim.

Like you said, I desperately want to remain very close and help but at the moment, she hates me. I don't know what to do, where to go, what to say. I don't believe there is enough time that will ever heal this.

I know it's very early days but I I'm shattered, all because I was true to myself about feelings for men.

The arrangements you have made sound really positive and productive. I could only dream of that right now.

When I am better, I am going to call a walking group and do their gardens walk. It will also represent the beginning of this new journey.

I don't know what today will bring. So much anger and pain. I have so much to do including Uni I just don't know. Uni will give me an extension of needed. I have also finish.

[Only_I_know]

Tim, I can hear the pain in you right now. I wish I could give you a hug. Is there anyone that you can visit that will understand and support you. I think you need to take a break for an hour or 2. Whilst I say listen and don't fight back, you can't allow yourself to be constantly driven into the ground either. Right now you shouldn't be alone, please go and chat to a friend.

I know you said you wouldn't do anything dumb, I thought so too, but found myself doing just that. You need to talk to someone, maybe call BB on 1300224636 and just talk to a person who will listen without judgement. We can still talk here but it is too slow between posts and a kind voice is also what you need. Craig was right, you need positive right now. Please mate, I'm getting upset at how alone you are feeling right now.

I'm imagining wrapping you in my arms and giving you the hug you need.

Daz

[Blue_Simon]

I will this morning, I promise you Daz.

[C4]

We’re here for you I can’t see you in pain like I went through alone . My wife too questioned whether our marriage was a cover for being gay or whether I really loved her of course it wasn’t we obviously had a connection otherwise we wouldn’t have got married. My wife moved out that night I was all alone with bad thoughts on my mine I came close to doing something bad but I chickened out . We never had children which was a mutual choice but that night I’ll never forget it was the worst in my life . I had the support of family but not like you guys on here I suffered for months before joining this forum I should have done it earlier to be there for someone else in pain and my own . Don’t do it alone it’s soul destroying. It’s a shame we all can’t meet to help each other but we’re here for you as Birdy said to me don’t shut down now your over the hardest part I so want to be there right now to give you the support I never had . Keep in touch mate