Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Only_I_know]

thanks mate. Things appear so good that I think they forget that there are underlying issues. I mean, I don't appear unhappy, so my wife just says stuff and doesn't realise how I'm bottling things up. I still worry about things like moving out, them when I'm not here, my/their future, meeting someone and actually experiencing being with another guy(that's where the 18yo teenager who's keen on experiencing comes in again!)

Most of these things I can't talk to her about, so when something happens it just rocks you a bit. I know I'm a bit further along than yourself, but just talking/venting on here is great - as I said before I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about some of these things other than here. And I have so many questions (especially about that last one) and don't know who to ask. I guess I can talk to the psych, and I think there is a gay doctors clinic somewhere too.

hahaha-if only I was actually only 18! things wouldn't be so damn scary! and a lot fitter too!

So something I've never told anyone here was that in my darkest moments I put pen to paper and wrote a book. I've always fancied myself as an author and enjoyed the process. It's about 80,000 words which I'm fairly sure constitutes as a full fledged novel. It's aimed at young adults and is a coming out story - Yes, a bit like Love, Simon but different. I actually started writing it well and truly before the movie was in cinema, and before I read the book. It's about 2 17yo high school boys and all the confusion, emotions, desires they have, and bigotry they face, but it's nothing like other gay books that are more about the sexual encounters. I finished writing it last week and just keep reviewing and editing. I haven't decided whether to try and get it published yet, it was written with an enormous amount of my emotion and not sure if I want it out there, but then again I think what the heck? why not? Anyway, something else to ponder - it excites me to no end, maybe if not good enough for a publishing co then could go down the path of self publishing which apparently is easy. Hey - maybe you guys have helped an aspiring author!!

Actually, I confess - I have delusions of grandeur that it gets published, I appear on channel 10's the project to talk about it because a movie producer turned it into a movie! Starring two of the hottest young movie actors of course!

Ahh well, I can dream - can't I?

Feeling good now, but dog tired so I'll be going to bed early tonight.

cheers

Darren

[C4]

Hi guys sorry I haven’t posted recently a lot of your comments and experiences just hit home a bit and I’ve been abit sad knowing that a lot of your experiences mirror mine and the stigma of being gay in the 80s and I’m a bit down at the moment as a lot of your experiences mirror mine and it just hit home . I’m glad everyone is posting on here it’s the way for us to vent and share experiences and feelings. I’m just in a flat spot at the moment I guess it’s the downside of living alone . It’s the nights that are lonely with no one to talk to and share experiences and to cuddle it’s sad . I’m sorry to put a negative comment in guys I’m just down at the moment.

[Only_I_know]

that's okay mate, that's what here is for! get it out and know that we're listening to each other. I've had a rough day today too, but I'm pulling through. Very tired though, so having an early night I think. With maybe a night cap or 2!

chin up old mate!

Darren

[C4]

Thanks guys I appreciate your comments and support it’s good to know we’ve got each other’s backs . It’s hard living alone after everything I’ve been through and it’s lonely even though I’m active at the gym and socialising it’s not the same as having someone in your life to share your dreams and feelings with that’s the loneliness that sets in . I know you guys are yet to move out on your own but as long as your busy it’s not as bad . I envy you lot for having children as I didn’t to carry on my family name as I’m the last one . I’ve got a counseling appointment tomorrow to talk about my past I’m dreading it and the emotional roller coaster ride that you go through. It effects me for hours but I do have a lunch date after it so I’ll have to compose myself. I find that I get more emotional lately since living on my own not sure why maybe it’s mourning what I’ve lost and jealous of what others have that’s where the loneliness sets in . I’m sorry to be negative tonight I’m just emotional that’s all and sometimes it takes it toll . But I am glad everyone is supportive of each other we need it .

[Blue_Simon]

Hi guys,

Firstly let me apologise for my bombardment of the thread of the past week or so. I sometimes for get that that the reason I’m on here is because others like you two have been through this before. I also forget that my banging on about my day can bring back such painful memories and feelings (the ones that are yet to come for me). For this I am sorry. You both sound like you have had a few bad days and here I am taking little steps and raving on about it.

Hearing the pain in both of your posts has certainly brought the reality of it all back very quickly. I just don’t know how I’m going to do this without falling apart?

You both sound so strong and determined, I just want to hug you both and make some of the pain go away, if only for a short time.

Darren you book sounds absolutely brilliant. I’m sure if ever published it would do a lot of good and help so many people deal with such experiences as we are going through. If every you end up on the Project! Let me know. I admire your determination to write so much about something so personally painful. Sleep well mate, tomorrow the sun will rise again (well, maybe not in Melbourne at the moment).

Craig, I’m glad you are keeping busy looking after yourself. I hope your appointment goes well also. I think the loneliness will be the most difficult also. My daughter is only 10 and it will be very difficult not having her around everyday. Time will only tell what ends up happening there. Don’t worry about laying low for a while, I should probably do the same. I am sad today after reading your posts so need consider that my posts have the same effect, I’m so sorry. I’ll say the same as above, sleep well, I will be here when you need.

Goodnight my friends.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Tim, thought I'd check one last time before lights out.

Please, please, please don't apologise for your posts, and don't you dare stop expressing what you meed to, when you need to.

I think of this place here, like a man cave with mates sitting around a card table, having a drink, music on in the background and talking crap to each other, expressing, supporting, listening to each other and giving the odd hug when someone needs it. I guess it does tell you that the road isn't easy, but to be honest, I think the road of hiding is harder. You've already experienced that.

You wont fall apart, I haven't, just get down that's all. There is so much to look forward to though.

I rely on hearing from you guys, chatting gets me through the day, that is the honest to god truth, so please don't stop. You've even said it yourself- your like Simon and can't wait for the next post/email. I've checked for your posts more the last few days than I had in the previous few months.

Your situation is so close to mine, so many similarities that all I want is for you to be happy.

And I'm liking the humour attached to your posts too, already having jibes about the Melbourne weather!

I have other suggestions to help with your daughter, but that will have to be another day.

Please don't feel the need to lay low, unless you really want to.

Cheers Darren

[C4]

Hi mate you don’t have to apologise for having a good day I’m glad you are . Your lucky you have children they love unconditionally and don’t judge . I’ve been out on my own now for 3 months previous I was with family for 12 months so I always had someone around since my marriage breakup do sometimes I get lonely and sad I’m sorry to make you feel guilty for having a good day it’s not my intention. Everyone deals with things differently usually I’m good but this week has been a down week that’s all I seem to be having more of these lately so I try to keep busy I’ve joined an lgbt group on the peninsula in Melbourne on Facebook and there a good lot of people to go out with . Don’t apologise for having a good day I’m just having a bad one that’s all so I’m happy for you . Have a good evening mate

[C4]

I agree with you Darren I don’t want to make anyone feel bad because I’m feeling down so I apologise for that keep posting ok

[Blue_Simon]

Thanks for that boys, I promise I will keep the posts going.

Neither of you could ever make me feel bad., I just hate to know you are hurting.

I do like Melbourne, really I do. I was down just a few weeks training at the airport.

Goodnight guys, speak to tomorrow.

[Only_I_know]

Good work my friend. Just remember that we're here for each other. What you are going through may bring up memories for me, but they also remind me of how far I've come in such a short time. 47.5 years of hiding myself, and now 3.5 mths of being free. It's an amazing feeling, one that I hope you experience before too long.

I've got my appt with psych this morning, so I'm looking forward to the chat. Last appt was 3rd July, so that goes to show how you can pull through- been 7 weeks when was going every 10 days.

Glad you like Melbourne, it's a pretty nice place despite the weather! World's most livable city for the last 7 years apparently! Though we just lost that to Vienna! Being 2nd to Vienna is ok!

Funny though, I've lived here now for 25 years, and the first walk with the frontrunners a few weeks ago in the botanical gardens, was the first time I'd actually been in the gardens!

I really look forward to our chats, checking each morning is the first thing I do!

Have a great day.

Cheers Darren