Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Blue_Simon]

Good morning mate, I’m so sad that this has happened to. You deserve someone special in your life again and it will happen, I’m certain of it. The qualities you have shown me through this forum will also shine through in the real world and this will make someone feel very special, just as you have done for me. In time your friend will come around and see that you are a friend simply wanting to share his company, if he doesn’t then you deserve better anyway.

Im glad you have meet another person who you can catch up with again soon. As for me, another painful weekend both physically and mentally. Physically because I feel out of a tree (don’t ask), and mentally because I feel I took two steps back from being able to be honest with my wife. We argued about our daughter and she accused me of being aggressive at the moment. She told me she knows something is going on and she’s fine with that, but seems to take everything I say as a negatively, come to think of it she has done this for years. It’s for these reasons that I feel that when the time comes, she is not going to take it well. I dream of a reaction like the one that You and Darren got after the initial shock. Your ex-wives sound amazingly supportive. Maybe I’m not giving her enough credit, I just don’t know.

I have my first face to face meeting with a councillor tomorrow week, I am look8ng forward to it very much as I still need so much help. I thought I would phone Qlife as well this week and speak to one of their people also.

I hope you and Darren have a great week ahead. No doubt I will be talking again this afternoon anyway. You guys are my go to, happy place at the moment and I love it.

Speak soon mate.

[Only_I_know]

Hi mate, my post from last night only went up this morning after you posted I think.

Sounds like that today you are a bit down, this is normal, it's the continual self doubt and constant looking at all the negatives.

With QLIFE, note that they are only open from 3pm. It can take a number of attempts to get through, It took me 6 -7 tries one night, but dont give up.

I'd maybe see if you could bring your appt forward, Alot can happen to bring you down.

Still reeling at you falling out of a tree? WTF?!!

You possibly are not giving your wife credit. Just try and be patient, bite your tongue if you have to, let her win the argument, unless a safety issue. You don't want her to be negative when you do talk to her. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF!! You are going to present something big.

Sending mental hugs of support, hope your day improves. Chin up.

Craig, you already know that if people dont like what you are or treat you without respect, then they are not worth your presence. So don't give a damn about the guy if he is ignorant. You are awesome and only deserve good things.

I'll be back on here tonight after work.

Cheers Darren

[Blue_Simon]

Good morning Darren,

Great to hear you had a nice day on the wine tour. It is very difficult meeting new people and starting a conversation. I’m sure they really liked your company and appreciated you being there. Just go with it and over time you will fit right in and make some great ffiends. I’m pretty straight acting and looking as well but have had lots of experience with the more flamboyant guys in my role as a cabin crew training instructor. I am/was able to fly under the radar for the last 15 years and just enjoy it. I’m so straight that the gaydar probably didn’t detect me either, haha.

I cant even imagine going out and meeting new guys, let alone being intimate with someone, it’s just too early for that, even though I still dream of it. Your thoughts are really helpful to see what is ahead for me. I’m excited and scared all at the same time.

Another milestone just happened this morning, I ”came out” to a very close female work colleague. I think I planted the seed last week when I text her saying that I wished someone would just ask me what was wrong. Well it worked and she nailed it on the head. We talked for about 30 mins on our way to work and she was so incredibly supportive. I can now be a little more relaxed at work knowing that at least she knows.

I have looked at the Brisbane LGBT Frontrunners and Rugby clubs on the internet. I will definitely be contacting both of those organisations in the future and I do a lot of walking now. Can’t run to save my life, and like you could lose a few kilos although I’m pretty fit. Not just yet though, one step at a time. That would be just one more secret to keep at this stage.

I look forward to talking during the week, thanks again Darren. Keep being the wonderful support you have become but don’t forget about yourself. -Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Hooray for you! I just happened to check here to see this pop up!

So happy you now have a friend to talk too. That is important.

Good luck and talk later

Darren

[Only_I_know]

Haha Tim, just read your last post again, I too am so straight that I fell under the gaydar, I have friends (husbands) that almost fell out of their chairs when I told them. They are putting their gaydar in for a service, it must be broken, they'd said!

I'm glad you've checked the lgbt sports teams, I emailed the Melbourne chargers rugby but never heard back, and went to their last home game, but was too self concious to approach someone. I'll try again at the start of the season.

You'll find it easier to start telling friends now you have told 1, but don't tell too many before your wife, don't let her be the last to know, or hear it from someone else. You will lose a great deal of trust and credibility.

I was told to have cash, a bag packed, &somewhere safe to go to before I told my wife, just in case things didn't go well. I can only say the same, but I'm hoping for you that all will be okay. I don't know if there is a good time of the day, but I told my wife in the morning at 9.45am, Wed 2nd May (forever burned in my mind), I seem to think that gives the whole day for processing, rather than on top of going to bed. Don't fight or argue or be defensive, just listen and let her ask any question.

Please remember though, we're not encouraging you to do anything until you are ready, just offering advice and support.

My wife wanted to know how I could have asked her to marry me knowing I was gay. Of course the 80's weren't good for gay teenagers, society was just a bunch of buttheads. Apart from that, I actually wanted a "normal" family life and kids, and thought I could go through life ignoring it especially seeing that I had fallen in love.

Your psych can offer more advice too, might be good to take some notes so you dont forget.

Make sure you eat well and continue to exercise. I actually stopped eating for 9 days straight, and lost 12kg in the lead up. Though have plenty to lose! I'd say that I'm probably much bigger than you, When I was 16 and starting to really realise I was gay, the stress of making the decision to hide - I'm certain of it - caused me to put weight on. I put on 7kg per year for about 7 years. I've since lost alot of that, but have a load more to go. I feel ugly and undesirable, and feel that until I make a full lifestyle change, no-one will be interested. The words I write here, whilst I feel are true, are probably not as bad as that in reality, but you need to also prepare yourself for more ups and downs afterwards too

talk soon

Darren

[Blue_Simon]

Good evening guys,

Well maybe I did register on someone's gaydar after all. As I mentioned this morning I have confided in a close friend at work. When we were talking I asked her if my message to her last week had made any sense? I said "I wish someone would just ask me how I was feeling". This statement apparently tipped her off that I might be struggling with my sexuality. Apparently she had just noticed a few things over the past few months to suggest that. It has been a really interesting day with the two of us hiding a secret. She said that I was happier and positive today and It felt good to be able to take just a small breath as this new me. I felt excited and as I mentioned in an earlier post, more like a man than I have in a long time.

I actually felt attractive. I'm no Chris Pratt however, and have had weight issues all of my life as well. I am only around 85kg now and am 6'3" so it doesn't really show the few extra kilos I am carrying. I would love to bulk up a bit which is why a new sports team really excites me. I walk for a hour each morning so that at least is something. Darren I'm sure your description of yourself doe not give yourself enough credit and besides, you have proven to be a beautiful person through your helping others here. I do see your point though, I do worry about the stereotype of the gay man presented in society, or at least where I have seen them, young , muscular and hot! I don't know if I can live up to some of the perceived expectations.

You are also right on another point made earlier, maybe I'm not giving my wife enough credit, my friend at work has identified my gayness in just a few years ( and I'm pretty straight ), maybe my wife also suspects this trait as she has known me for over 20 years. Regardless, I know what I must do do before anyone else finds out. I trust this friend and she does not associate with my wife so it won't get back to her that way.

What you say about gay teens in the 80's is spot on! And yes, I too wanted the marriage, kids and dog! It was easier to put the truth to the side and hope it went away, especially when you fall in love with someone special.

Thanks for your advice regarding times, places and preparedness when I do tell her. That all makes perfect sense and as you said, I hope it does not come to any of that.

How was everyone else's day? -Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Oh man, mate! This is definitely your most positive post yet, and I'm just about grinning from ear to ear for you. I'm really happy for you to end the day on a happier note.

I think you have wanted, subconsciously, to come out for a while now. Otherwise you wouldn't have come near the gaydar at all. You become such a good actor in being able to hide or deflect suspicions when you get to our age,not that we are old! But it seems that unless you look real hard, alot of the gay guy's do seem to be young and hot!

I forgot about the dog, yes that does make up the traditional Aussie family!

I dunno about what others think about me, I've only felt attractive once in my life, in my early 20's I lost 66kg in 6mths from hard work, gym junky type of stuff. I dropped from 169kg (yep pretty big) down to 103. It gave me so much confidence that when I went to the Hobart premiere of Muriels wedding, Toni Collette was there and I asked if I could kiss the hand of a beautiful movie star, and promptly did!

So I'm not that big anymore, but somewhere inbetween and 6'4" - big like a rugby player. I guess I have self esteem issues too, but hope to shake that - reason for the makeover and new me! I've done it before and can do it again. I don't actually think I'm ugly but can't see any beauty, at least on the outside. If the world was actually more like the movie Shallow Hal, I reckon I'd be Gwyneth Paltrow's equal. Not trying to be overly modest, but I am a nice person, I do give a crap about people, am non judgemental and would do just about anything for anyone. Done a lot of charity work, been a counselor at Camp Quality, so I've done some nice stuff.

I've just signed up as a member of the frontrunners today, so committed to that now, I think more walking and then jogging is on the cards. It'll probably be easier when I've moved out, as I won't feel like I've gotta explain what I'm doing or where I'm going like i do now. But that is still mths away.

I've got my next appt with my psych on Wednesday, I haven't needed, for the most part, to see him as much. It'll be good to catch up though and nut out a few small issues. I know I'll need help when I move out though, I worry that I'll spiral again, and there wont be anyone around to help me.

Any way, been a long day, work is boring the hell out of me and is so mentally taxing, but now I can't afford to change jobs, with having 2 mortgages soon.

Keep up the positivity - have a good night, try and sleep!

Darren

[Blue_Simon]

That’s right Darren, you are a nice person, anyone can see that. The amount of work you have done for other people is truely inspiring. You certainly deserve a make over and new you. Most of us can’t see any beauty on the outside in ourselves but it’s there, and that special person will see it also. A 6’4” rugby player, nice! Once you start walking and running that self esteem issue you talk about should vanish fast. I’m sure you will be very popular. I will definitely be signing up to frontrunners in the future, Brisbane of course. Who knows, if I love it I might join Melbourne as well, I can easily jump on a flight.

Yes I am gettting more positive in my own little bubble at the moment but I know to lowest of the low is still to come. I take each day as it comes and are now looking for the right time to speak up, a week or two away yet though I think at the earliest. I’m really trying to be a calm, caring dad and husband because I know my wife is still wondering how I am from day to day.

Im also fortunate that my role is so enjoyable, and I love what I do at work. 2 mortgages is probably coming my way as well depending on what we decide in due course. That terrifies me as I don’t earn a whole lot.

I know I have wanted to come out for a while now! I have hidden it well I must say but do let myself slip deliberately on occasion and only in certain environments. I don’t consider myself old either, just a little more experienced.

Anyway, I hope you are having a good day today yourself and hope to hear from C4 also.

Tim.

[Only_I_know]

Didn't have a great start to my day. I'm cranky and upset. Had words with the good lady over child support. I know she didn't mean anything bad, but explained what she was doing poorly and I struggled to bite my lip.

She said she was submitting with centrelink to find out what child support payments She'd received, and I asked why, when we'd already discussed. I'd already been on mths ago, and found that I'd need to pay about $900 PM but had already said I'd pay $1200 plus more as I didn't think was enough to raise my 2 kids. Ahhhhhh I hate arguing just as I'm leaving for work or about to go to bed, and I hate biting my tongue coz I feel I'm responsible for the situation.

I'm making much more of it than I need to, but can't help it.

I expect her to check things for herself to make sure that everything is right, in fact I've encouraged her too, but I don't want to know unless there is an issue with what we had already agreed it just upsets me.

Anyway, I left home and we were okay, but it just winds me up.

Glad you are in a positive bubble, don't be put off by my rant. You'll have good days and not so good.

I'll only have 2 mortgages until we sell the family house so hopefully only a couple of months, but it will still be tough.

Tough day today, but thankfully the psych tomorrow, and of course can rant here.

I do hate days like today, being anxious and upset.

Ahhhhhh where is the closest pub?

[Blue_Simon]

Oh mate! I’m sorry to hear that you have a really crap morning. I guess these are all of the things I have to look forward to, to not. It must be so frustrating that things already discussed and agreed to get changed without any notice. It sounds like you are doing your very best to ensure everyone is taken care of properly. Yet another example of the type of man you are and the care and support you are offering everyone (including me!). Please make sure you take care of yourself as well. I will give you what you give me, please feel free to vent to me as often as you need.

l’m not put off by your rant, just wish I could do more. My bubble will burst soon enough and I will come to you for more support and an ear to listen to my rants.

I am glad though that you left this morning on reasonable terms and hope that the day itself has been kind to you.

speak later - Tim.