Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[C4]

Hi i move next week and it’s exciting but scary at the same time . I still find it hard sometimes and wonder if I did the right thing too but i know deep down it was even though everyone got hurt in the process. I don’t go out much and I’m scared of being alone with no one to talk to . We all have fears and doubts about something that is new to us as we don’t know what the future holds . I too aren’t ready for a relationship even after 12 months but I need a gay mentor to help me through it as it’s hard sometimes to accept that I’m a good person and it is just who I am . Good luck with the appointment hope it goes well for you mate 👍

[Only_I_know]

Good luck C4. Look at joining some sort of club, I'm finding that there are a few LGBTI organisations that have social outings etc. If you haven't already, call Q-Life - I did, and I was given some info on all sorts of things from LGBTI Dr's who will provide all the necessary info on health, and that there are other things out there for us. I hear you, I find it hard to accept that I am a good person, but I am. I was a good husband despite keeping it a secret, and I am a great dad. You are a good person too. Just make sure that you don't bottle yourself in your place, google Q-life (it can be hard to get through sometimes, but keep trying - I had to ring about 6 times in 30 mins until I got through - they are a peer support line).

Good luck with it, and keep us posted.

[AndyR]

Hi OIK and C4

I've just come across this thread and your journeys moved me to tears with bravery and determination and resilience leaping off the screen. Bravo to you both.

As an out gay man for 40 years I say 'welcome to the tribe'. OIK's suggestion of joining a community organisation is a really great way of settling in, of meeting others with similar journeys and, perhaps most importantly having fun and connection while you become comfortable with the 'new you'.

Are either of you into sport? In Melbourne as I'm sure in other cities there is a great and often overlooked array of LGBTI sports clubs. Everything from badminton to rugby (yep! We beat the army and the navy) to tennis, swimming and running, waterpolo and cycling, volleyball and soccer. My own experience with the rugby club is that these clubs are fantastic for not only the sport they play but the community they create. I've known folk come along as their first ever venture into the LGBTI world - nervous and somewhat afraid. I've watched them grow in their safe sense of self. Oh yeah, if you're a competitive sports person they do take their sports seriously - world champs in many of the clubs in masters level competition. So there's a possibility.

C4: you suggested you need a gay mentor. I'm not sure your age or exactly where you are but if in Melbourne there is a way you could meet other - older - people who've been through what you guys are going through, and more than survived they flourished. Every month - first Sunday - at Fitzroy Town Hall there's a dance club. Originally set-up for elders in the community it is now open to all. Many who go along have been married in the past and they have the wisdom of years and hindsight. It's friendly, celebratory and heaps of fun.

And if I may share a little of my own story. I spent several years recently isolated and alone as a product of my mental health issues. During that time I removed myself from connection with my 'tribe' - alone on the NW edge of Melbourne. It was a member of the rugby club who broke through the isolation and created a plan of action that is my safety net as I recover. Working bees on my house, inclusion in social events, accommodation when I needed it, regular touch base calls - these are the things they did. I wouldn't be here without that. Thing is this: I was reminded of how necessary the tribe is with bonds of friendship that get that part of me that others, no matter how loving, may not. That's our tribe.

[Only_I_know]

Thanks for your post AndyR. Yes, I am into sport - well watching mostly!!! I can't see myself playing but who knows! I like the idea of training etc at least (so I can drop a few kg's!!)

I recently had a chat to a guy on the Switchboard phone line, who actually alerted me to the chargers, and I have been on the website and fully plan to make contact. What you say about the "Tribe" support network is exactly what I am looking for. I assume that the playing season is limited, however making contact and being introduced is year round? And I love watching Rugby!!!

I am still living with my family, and my wife is super loving and supportive, so I'm really lucky there. We are working through financial matters etc at the moment. I want my wife and kids to stay in our current house and we look for a 2 bed apartment for me, where we draw down on the mortgage. Otherwise it would be too great a burden on everyone to sell up etc. We just need to get to the end of 2019 as my son will finish year 12, and my daughter will be going into year 6. Then we can look at selling etc etc.

I know that as soon as I move out, which will be when we get an apartment, that I'll need as many friends as I can get as being alone will be very difficult.

You describe a wonderful atmosphere of friendship and support, something that I just did not realise was out there. Thank you for reaching out, I will definitely being making contact with the Rugby club.

I've still got a ways to go, I at least don't cry every day now, but am anxious about telling my folks and that is still about 3 weeks away until they get back from overseas.

thank you again, I can't believe the amount of support and friendship out there.

[C4]

Hi mate glad to see everything is going ok I’m on the Tribe site and it’s great I’ve been talking to others who are gay and have been married before as well and it’s just as supportive as on here I move on Sunday so I’m looking forward to the change but anxious as I’ll be by myself but I’m going to join the gym around the corner from where I’ll be living as it will be good for the mind and soul. At 45 it seems hard but I’ll make it as I’m sure you will it will just take time as I’m sure it’s scary for you as it is for me about the unknown future. Good luck with it all my friend 😇

[AndyR]

Hi Only and C4

Afternoon guys. I'm going to reply to you both in one post, hope that's okay.

first up @OIK: The Chargers are about to head off to Amsterdam for the Bingham Cup which is the world cup of gay rugby! They'll be gone a few weeks. Their recruitment tends to be during the season and its warm up, so not much happens after the conclusion the season. They love spectators and supporters, not just players.

Another club that has a great reputation for welcoming and inclusion of all ages is Melbourne Front Runners, a social and competitive running club. (Be a great way to lose those kgs!) Visit their website, I think they have Saturday morning runs around the tan followed by coffee and conversation, and they welcome any fitness level. The other one is the GlamourHeads - the swimming club. Again the same thing re social and inclusion. Both function all year round.

@C4 Good luck with the move and the settling in. It's a big change and I hope it goes well.

Both of you mentioned the moving thing and being on your own. It is confronting, can't deny that. I moved down to Melbourne into an apartment on my own late last year, and while I've lived alone for a long time I knew I had to take a different approach if my mental health was going to be managed. There are a couple of things - going to the gym is great for the self C4, AND it's also a fairly solitary experience. Having the network of friends - new and old is essential for those of us who live alone, so perhaps find a group that can be the foundation on which you construct this different way of living.

One other thing I've found works for me is to invite a mate to "come share a meal with me". I do it at least once a week as a conscious act, as part of maintaining connection with the world. Doing it at home has an advantage over meeting at a cafe - it challenges me to cook well and there are always leftovers which saves me thinking about food the next day. Might sound a little thing but cooking and eating properly is one of the factors identified as being a risk factor for those alone. And having someone visit makes it really feel like my home. Anyway, enough of the advice.

For both of you your stories have been inspiring, don't disappear from here, keep sharing your bravery and strength. And - it may sound odd - but I hope you find pride in the honesty and integrity with which you've come so far. Take a moment to feel that. You each deserve to.

[C4]

Hi everyone thanks for the encouraging words of support I will keep you guys updated on my progress as there is a lot to do in Melbourne to keep my active 🏳️‍🌈

[Only_I_know]

So it's coming up to 2 months now, and things are okay. It's been easier to let friends know without breaking into tears. I haven't had a single person be negative. The support has been amazing.

My folks have just returned from their overseas trip and i plan on telling them in a cople of weeks time. I dont know the words I'm going to use but keep running it through my head.

The psychologist qlife recommended has been great.

My wife and i are in no real rush now to do anything, but we are starting the process of looking for an apartment for me. It will happen at the right time I guess.

C4 - i hope your move has been good, i keep checking if you've posted anything with a great deal of interest. I hope you are in such a good place now that you don't feel the need to be on here!

thanks to all who have helped me with this, the next big hurdle (my folks) is not far off, but I'm sure it will be ok.

Have a great week.

[C4]

Hi mate I’m glad everything is going ok and happy your wife and you are getting along great at the moment. I hope when you tell your parents they take it well as it will be the biggest challenge in your life and i hope they support you . My move went well it’s been 3 weeks now and I’ve joined the gym and been going daily which has helped a bit . I’m seeing my old doctor again and he’s great and I’m organising with him to get a new councillor maybe one that Qlife recommends. As for my wife she says she can’t handle it when I speak to her and cry and keeps throwing it in my face how I can’t see it from her side which I do every day . She doesn’t understand how hard it is to feel lonely and lost right now as I didn’t mean to hurt her I live with the guilt all the time but to be honest I’m in a hole at the moment which is hard to get out of but I want to get a new councillor to help me realise I’m a good person and have some self worth . I guess it’s being by myself at night that the loneliness sets in as she was by best friend and partner and now I have no one. I know there’s not much support for older gay men around Frankston way but I will get there it’s just trying to adjust to being on my own again after 15 years . I hope your keeping well and let us know on your progress 🏳️‍🌈

[Only_I_know]

Hey C4

Thanks for the update. Glad thast it went well. Definitely call Qlife, fyi it sometime takes a while to get through- it took me over 30 mins and about 10 attempts one time. They are a peer support, so they have been through it themselves.

I got very lucky, i spoke to a guy one night for over 90 mins. He gave me some great advice, including gay friendly dr clinic to go to (at some point when I'm out in the big world). He also put me on to a gay psychologist and he is excellent- not cheap, but very good. My wife came on one occasion and he helped her understand my point of view. She thought that I "pretended" during love making and that bothered her, he expl ained that it wasn't pretending, that it was true due to our emotional connection. She is now quite at peace with it all, and i can see us remaining friends.

I've started to stop feeling guilty, i can only suggest you do the same. We can't help who we are, it isn't a choice. We've given our love to our wives and even though it hurts still, and probably will for the rest of our lives, we need to move on. Hopefully over time your wife will remember the good times as well, and not just the tough times happening now.

It sounds like she needs to talk to someone too.

If you don't mind the drive up to Melbourne, then I suggest looking up the Melbourne front runners. They catch up 3 times a week to run/walk around the botanical gardens and then go for a coffee. I haven't done anything about it yet, but you may find people from all over, not just the city. They may even have people down your way that travel, it would be worth asking.

I'm in the outer eastern burbs, getting into the city is still about 45mins, but I'm going to do it at some point.

I understand what you are going through, it scares me at the thought of being out on my own too, but make sure you get out and meet people. I'm always keeping an eye and ear out for new things. It may also be worth tuning your radio to joy fm 94.9 - it is a gay radio station. I haven't listened a lot yet but they may have public announcements or give ideas on thing's happening.

Keep your chin up. You ARE a great person. And courageous. I hated people telling me that, but I've started to realise that it is actually true. Coming out wasn't/isn't easy, but is getting better.

Take some deep breaths, and enjoy just being who you are, without worrying about what others think. Now is the time for you to be you.

Take care my friend, and keep me posted.