Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[C4]

Sorry to hear you were at your low point mate but glad you told some family members as there everything at this point in time and also you went to counseling as well there will be tough times as it’s only early days for you but it will improve over time. Keep us informed as we’re here to help

[Jacko777]

We are indeed cheering for you OIK, well done mate. I'm so glad you are getting the support from family and professionals that you deserve. Onwards and upwards. Give your son a hug for me, what a champion, keep the lines of communication open. You have much courage and compassion and we are really proud of ya.

All the best, Jack.

[Doolhof]

Hi Only I know,

Hope you are still doing okay. I am wondering if the weekend was a little emotional maybe for your wife being "Mother's Day" and all. She may be feeling a little confused about where she stands with everything.

Keeping the lines of communication as open as possible is so beneficial, even when the going gets tough.

I know that I don't always use my words well, I yell and scream at times when I am angry, confused and frustrated. Sometimes it is just too hard to be nice when you are feeling overwhelmed.

None of this may have happened at your place. I'm just saying that Mother's Day and expectations can be emotional at times.

You have known for a while this is how you feel. Your wife is new to these thoughts and changes.

Cheers from Dools

[Only_I_know]

Hi C4/Jacko & Dools, the weekend was actually good, I participated in m y usual arvo of sport on Saturday, and made sure we spoilt my wife on mothers day. We also had my folks over, and it was a really nice day. We are talking, and the conversation is nice and constructive too.

We've started talking about the future, and how it looks. I've told her my preference is that they stay in the house to avoid further disruption to the kids, but then we have the problem of affording mortgage etc for both of us.

There is so much too think about, though that is like any normal separation. I sit there and still think I should have kept my mouth shut, but then think again about what may have happened if i did. Last Thursday was an example, probably the closest I had come to ending it all.

I am very fortunate to have so many people who support me/us. I look forward to it all being over and having some sort of normality back, even though it will be different. I just want to be stable again. And happy. Still alot of hard work ahead i think.

I've just about got the mental health care plan sorted, and organising a lgbt friendly psychologist. I might also buy a lottery ticket! Maybe if there is a god they will look down and smile!

😁

[Doolhof]

Hi Only I know,

It sounds like you are a very caring kind of person to ensure your wife had a special day on Mother's Day. It also sounds like communication is going well. I'm very pleased the weekend went well.

Finding a psychologist will be beneficial, it does sometimes take time to find a person you connect to, finding a person who understands your needs at the moment is important.

My DR, sent me to a couple of female psychologists to talk mainly about grief and women's issues. I didn't find them helpful at all. I now have a male psychologist and he has been the most helpful person I have been to. My Dr. is a male as well. As I am female, it seemed the obvious thing to try and chat with females I guess.

Wishing you all well on this journey!

Cheers for now from Dools

[C4]

Hi mate I’m glad you had a great weekend with the family. I’m also found an lgbt psychologist. I’m finally moving into my own place after 12 months and it’s the first time I’ll be alone in 20 years so that will be strange at first but eventually if you move out you’ll be ok . We’re all here for you mate wishing you well .

[Only_I_know]

Hey guys,

Each day is getting a bit easier and I'm finding telling people less difficult. Had my second psychologist appt yesterday, but that will be the last with him, not that he didn't help as he did, but I now have a mental health plan and a referal to a psychologist recommended by QLife, and he is supposed to be lgbt friendly.

C4 congrats on getting your own place, that'll no doubt help you on your way. You just need to make sure that you don't sit in those 4 walls all alone and never leaving, you need to get out and see friends and socialise. That is what I'm afraid of.

The psychologist told me that I need to stop feeling guilty. That I'm not guilty of anything, I'm a great dad, been a good husband and provider. But I can't fully accept that. I'm in the position I am now due to my decisions.

It's something that i will have to work on.

have a great day.

OIK

[Doolhof]

Hi OIK, C4 and All,

We all need to make choices in life, some do not seem at all easy at the time.

Insight can be a great thing, none of us can go back in time and change anything, we can change how we feel about different issues and situations.

Holding onto shame, guilt, regrets and what ifs, only eats you up inside as far as I can see.

Learning to let go, finding ways to move forward, that is what counts. Remembering all the good, the positives, the things to be grateful for are important.

Wishing everyone reading all the best on their journey through life.

Cheers all from Dools

[C4]

Hi mate just seeing how you’ve been going the last few days hope you’re doing well and your counseling went well also . If you need to chat we’re all there for you. Wishing you all the best my friend. 🙏

[Only_I_know]

Hi C4, thanks for continuing to take an interest. Everything you and the others have said on here really makes a difference. Unfortunately I don't have a many friends that I can sit down and have a drink with and talk through stuff going on inside my head.

I'm doing okay, I think. Some days better than others. The communication between my wife and I is great, we talk just like old times, but most of it is now about me moving out, and how we are going to make it work. It's really hard, because I don't particularly want to, but I know that I will need to so that we both can move on with our new lives.

We've been looking for apartments for me, I don't want to rent as that costs too much, almost as much as a home loan for the cost of an apartment, so we're looking at ways of making that work. It seems to be going to quickly though. I will have to look for a casual job during the evenings and weekends now, so that I can afford a place of my own, without moving down to the country.

I'm really worried that when I do go out on my own, that I'll end up rotting away all alone in the 4 walls, never even going out apart from work. I don't want to be alone, I know I have my kids and some friends, but I'm so used to having people there, when I get home.

I keep thinking about whether I made a mistake coming out, but then switch to what the alternative would have been. I know it's right, but some days I have to convince myself.

I've been to a psych twice through my work assistance program, and been to the doctor for a mental health plan, got the referral to one recommended by Q-life that is known to be LGBT friendly, and had an appt for tomorrow. I got a message from him to say that he had a medical emergency and is now having surgery and cannot see me for 6 weeks. Well, I can't wait that long! I need the help now. I still have so many doubts and fears, and the actual speaking to someone was helping. I now have to go through the whole hassle again.

So thanks for taking the interest, it does help talking to people who can empathise, who have actually experienced it themselves.

Have you moved into your own place yet? If so how is it going? Hope all is well for you and you are getting out and meeting new people. Although it scares me - and I'm not even talking about the dating thing, it's just getting out and making a new set of friends that are mine, not "ours". I look forward to hearing about your experiences, and of course any tips you have!

Hope you have a great week!