Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

[Only_I_know]

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

[Doolhof]

Hi OIN,

Congratulations on having the courage to ell your wife and your boss how you feel. Hope the session on Friday goes well.

I'm wondering if it may be beneficial to have a counselling session with your wife, so you can both openly talk about your thoughts and plans for the future. It sounds like your wife is finding ways to move on in her own way.

It may be beneficial to suggest to your wife that she talks to a counsellor or psychologist herself.

There may also be some family counselling available somewhere for when you do tell the children.

Change of any kind can take a little adjusting to. Keeping communication open when possible will certainly help.

Wishing you and your family all the best in this new journey of discovery.

Cheers from Dools

[C4]

Hi mate I was reading your story and mine almost mirrors yours except I haven’t got any children . I came out 11 months ago after 15 years marriage and I still find it hard to move forward maybe it’s because I lost my best friend my heterosexuality my manhood or maybe it’s because I’m scared of the future. My ex wife has forgiven me but it hasn’t helped my guilt about what I did to her and that I lied by not telling her the truth years ago but I think it’s about the guilt about me that I can’t accept. I still cry everyday and it’s hard when your older but I worry about a relationship with a man and it scares me being gay and I don’t know why maybe I’m scared I’ll die alone with no one to love . Things will get easier counselling will help that just remember your not alone and if you want to chat just message me ok . Best wishes

[Only_I_know]

thanks Jack/Dools & C4, the support is great thank you.

But I am sitting here, right now, and the sudden realisation of what I have done is hitting me square in the face. At some point I will have to move out, away from my kids, and the wife I have loved and received love from. I will have to find a place to live, and start over. But the majority of my salary will go to my family, I am scared as to what this means.

I'm starting to think I've made a big mistake. I had a wonderful home and loving family, good job, great friends, took o/seas holidays. Now I only see bleakness, and poverty, living off the generosity of others. I had not considered how I would afford to live. If I hadn't have come out, or even waited a few more years, then it may have been easier.

I really hope the psychologist can help, as I'm starting to despair.

[Jacko777]

Hang in there OIK, tomorrow will help for sure.

One step at a time mate, see what your appointment brings in terms of your thinking. Remember how you felt 10 days ago? You couldn't keep that going, it was affecting your whole life. Remember the relief you felt when you told your wife?

Instead of 'bleakness', think 'brave new world'.

I defend your brave decision to go public OIK, you seem to have no doubt that you are gay and finally you can start a new journey, being true to your self. If you are doubting that you are gay I guess they might be a chance of reversing this decision?

Let us know how you go, Jack.

[Only_I_know]

Jack, I don't doubt that I am gay, I've known that all my life. Thought about it every day. It's the outing myself that I doubt. I wish I hadn't or that at least I'd waited and thought it through. I don't have anywhere to go, my folks are about to go overseas. They dont know that my marraige is over. My wife wants to move on much quicker than I expected. Everything I have is shared, even our friends. I'll have no home and no money, in what looks like a very short time.I think it is time to go for a walk on this cold wintery Melboune night to clear my head. Thanks for your continued support and you kind words.

[Jacko777]

'Thought it about it every day.'

I wonder how different it would have been had you 'waited and thought it through'. Try not to get caught in the what ifs, it's done now and you want all your energy in the moment, to find the best ways to move forward.

The things that are concerning you, the kids, family, money, you can work through these things, they can be managed with care. You haven't been here before mate, it makes sense that it could be daunting and scary.

Through tough times for myself I find it important to let the sadness flow as it will, but in between these moments I try to divert my attention, right off the subject. Decide what can be done, be doing it, then practice letting it go when it keeps popping up in the mind, know that you are doing everything you can. In the end the only thing we can control is between our ears.

It would have been freezing out there last night. OIK you are heading for some of the greatest times in your life, like everybody else's life it will be a bit dysfunctional, a bit edgy, but it will still be great.

Have a great day today, I will indeed be thinking of you.

Jack

[Only_I_know]

Well what a rollercoaster it is. Last night was probably my lowest so far. My midnight walk out in the cold wet freezing Melbourne night found me looking out over the free way. My faith in humanity restored somewhat, with a couple of people stopping their cars to ask if i was ok, and then not just accepting, having called the police. They came and picked me up and after ascertaining that I was ok, took me home. First time EVER in the back of a police car! It was a humbling experience to have concerned strangers, 2 police cars and 6 police officers all there taking care of me.

Psychologist was ok too, suggesting that I may need a number of sessions, so I've been to the dr to get a mental health plan initiated.

Had a great conversation with my wife and i think we may have turned a corner. She has a psychologist appt Monday now, and my works employee assistance program will also cover my wife and kids to gave sessions.

I told my brother in law as well, and i cannot believe it but he was so supportive. He told me that he felt sorry that i had felt the need to hide, that it must've been so disempowering and to do so for 35years. Told me that he will be around and help me through whatever i need, as well as being there for my wife. His goal is my happiness & health, despite his sister being the one i have hurt.

It gave me the encouragement to also tell my 16yo son. That was hard, but what an amazing kid i have. He didn't bat an eyelid. Told me that he couldn't ever hate me. He didn't care that i was gay, he was sad about his mum & I, but understood. He only cried when i told him how dark my thoughts were. I had thought about not telling him about those but i felt that it would be disrespecting him, and not trusting his maturity. He cried that i had been reduced to that low level, and said he was there for me. He hugged me and would not let go.

I now feel the best i have in 7 weeks. I realise that there will still be struggles, but i now believe i can do this and come out the other end happy. I have still cried today, but not all the tears were of grief, humiliation and pain. Many were of happiness.

I am so god damn fortunate.

On top iif all this, the swannies win the beyond blue cup in a hard fought contest!

And i am smiling as i lay down my head to sleep rather than crying!

What a freakin freaky day!😁

[Doolhof]

Hi OIK,

Wow! What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing what is unfolding for you.

How amazing to realise that people do care enough to stop and ask if a person is okay and to call the Police as well.

It is wonderful you have been able to talk more with family members and can see things a little more clearly now.

It is really difficult to make hard choices in life. Congratulations for having the guts to do so!

Cheers from Dools

[Birdy77]

Hello OIK, and team

What an amazingly incredible and inspiring story.

Look at how your life has changed on the past 11 days!!

I read your latest post through tears of my own.

How wonderful of your wife, your brother-in-law, your gorgeous son (a testament to you and your wife), your boss, those caring strangers ...

Thank you so much for sharing.

We're cheering for you.

🌻birdy

[Only_I_know]

Thanks Dools & Birdy,

And people should never underestimate what talking to others does, doesn't matter who or where or whether you know their name, just having an ear to listen, how powerful it can be.

This forum was my first step to becoming happy, releasing who I am. Without this, and all of you supporting me, who knows where I'd be now? Long way to go, but I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the rest of my life!

Have a great weekend!