New here, first forum post, feeling blue

[Cam1313]

Hi all, iv had depression since I was 17, 34 now, just thought I’d send a post as I’m feeling pretty down atm, i have very bad self esteem, no friends or guides to listen to, I’m sure there those worse off than I, though, just feeling depressed lately, trapped in a life iv made for myself, I don’t work, so iv little or no money to go out places, I study though, working at getting qualified in educational support, I lost many teeth over the years, and need a partial plate, but cannot possibly get dental treatments to correct them, it makes me feel gross and ugly, and I can never hope to enjoy a simple kiss, I’m gay as well, live in a place with little hope of finding a suitable boyfriend, not that think anybody would look at me, lately been thinking about all the things I forgot to do over the years, feel lost, and have ruined any chance of happiness for myself, I don’t drive, or own a car, jobless, low self esteem, and miserable all the time, I hardly leave the house, and feel like I’m wasting away, to many nights alone and unwanted, I’d like to feel good about myself and can’t see any way out, it’s like the movie insidious, and I’m a ghost, trapped in a cold, dark loop, doomed to helpless loneliness, unable to escape. I have no dreams or aspirations for myself anymore, everything I ever wanted for myself has faded away, I wanted to travel, dance slowly with my sweetheart, have a decent income, and have freedom to enjoy life, now I just seem to exist with no purpose, iv lost my sense of self in the process, just venting really, sorry about all my doom and gloom, if anyone has any advice, how to claw myself out of this pit, that would be lovely, I’d like to feel human again as I once did when I was younger and had time, opportunity, freedom, and love ahead of me, I need to have thousands of dollars worth of dental treatments, resulting in a partial plates (and not feel like a monster) ,learn to drive and afford a car, find a job that pays decent wages, somehow find the strength to leave the house and make friends, get my own place to live, and get to know who I am once more, sorry again for the vent, it always cold, grey, and miserable where I am

[Quercus]

Hello Cam1313 and welcome to the forums,

It's ok to vent. This is a safe non judgemental place and we've been there too. So please don't worry about doom and gloom. I think when we don't see a way out of our problems it is easy to feel hopeless. Depression just enhances this feeling too.

You have managed depression for a long time. Do you still see anyone to help you with this? Maybe it is time for a review of your medications or to try something new? I know in myself making changes to help myself seem possible in writing but I find it almost impossible to act if my mental illness isn't managed first.

You mentioned your teeth and I can understand how this would impact on your self esteem. I smashed my front tooth as a teen and flat out refused to leave the house or go to school until it was fixed. Luckily my parents could afford it. But teeth are important to me now because I know how awful it feels to be embarrassed.

Even something like going for a job interview would be intimidating if you are always conscious of your teeth. What options have you looked into? The one option I don't see written about often is dental schools. Are there any in your area? Check out the universities websites. There might be an option for discounted services.

You also said you don't drive (no judgement from me by the way. I didn't drive for ages either) so what does that mean for you in terms of access to services or even places like community halls or libraries or rec centres? Getting out and mixing with people doesn't have to cost much. Even becoming a regular at your library you'll meet other regulars. The notice boards advertise community events. Easy to say but very hard to do when you are self conscious.

There is a thread here in the staying well section by Quirkywords about challenging your inner critic. I wonder if you may enjoy reading to see you are not alone in struggling with low self esteem. I hope you can keep writing. You do sound very low right now.

The helpline below is a good idea if you need more immediate support (1300224636) otherwise feel free to join in on any thread that interests you. You're very welcome here Cam.

Nat

[Cam1313]

Hello community champion, thank you kindly for your response,I know iv managed my depression for a long time, have tried counciling but revealing all my causes for depression left me feeling rather empty as opposed to liberated, I must be so full of darkness that there’s barely any sunshine left, have also tried medication, but that left me feeling extremely sick and nauseous, plus I don’t think they worked in any case, iv been living with more than half of my teeth missing, and two are broken needing extraction, it makes eating an uncomfortable experience, as well as adding to my embaressment, it’s easier to stay home and not go out, an attempt to protect myself from any further hurt, people have always made me feel different and unwanted, (I’m a gay redhead with a Scottish/Australian accent) always picked last for teams, taunting, not being invited out or to parties, not afraid of interviews, there is very little opportunity where I am, and not driving makes it difficult, I must walk 45 min to get to my nearest train station, and my nephew depends on me to get him both to and from school, I fear my saddeness affects him, and i often pretend that all is well for his sake, I know about dental school clinics, I was on their waiting list for three years, and I secured work in a job a few days before my appointment was due, and as I was then working I couldn’t attend, I try and get dental work done when I can afford to, it’s $250 -$300, a visit, and being on Centrelink makes it nearly impossible. There are places I know I can visit, but I’d rather not go out , as iv very little to talk about, iv grown dull, boring and uninteresting over many years, iv worked in hospitality my whole adult life, and they are the worst, places I must keep a happy face on, while bending over backwards to serve the rude and ungrateful masses, all the while earning about as much as do on Centrelink, I suppose I’m afraid to meet new people, I doubt they would accept me as I am at the moment, as an introvert, I often retreat inside my own head, where, though cold and desolate I’m safe from judgment and potential pain, I don’t think I could handle anymore pain or rejection, my last boyfriend, three years ago, tossed me aside like I was nothing and allowed me to find him in the arms of another, less attractive guy than me, unapologetically getting it on with him at my place of work no less, my fellow staff saw and had a good laugh at my expense,could say so much more, but out of room

[marcus_c]

Hey Cam1313, you sound pretty despairing at the moment. I hope it helps to vent. I was reading above that you said counselling didn't seem to help much because you felt you were just going over everything that was wrong and that made it seem more overwhelming, have I got that right? There are different types of counselling available, so it helps to know what you're wanting to get out of it before you go in. I have found the ones that are more focused on helping me find practical things I can do and cope with my emotions and thoughts have worked much better.

There's no need to go digging up the past and dwelling on it if you're not getting any useful insights from it, you can't change the past. It sounds like money is a major issue for you because you can see things you would do with more money that would be life-changing, like fixing your teeth, getting your own place, maybe moving somewhere where there are more gay people to give you a chance of finding a new relationship.

If you've got limited resources, it's pretty hard to try and fix everything all at once. If it were me, I would start by focusing on the one thing that seems to be the top of the priority list and work toward that. Having a goal and a plan really helps, as does all the daily wellbeing stuff like eating well, sleeping properly, and execise. Your confidence will slowly start to get better as you go. What do you reckon?

[Quercus]

Hi Cam1313 and thanks for writing back.

I was glad to see Marcus' reply to you because I was a bit stumped and overwhelmed too and didn't know how to help.

I like how Marcus said to focus on one problem. Just one. Would it be reasonable to say your teeth are causing you pretty major distress? If you're self esteem is rock bottom (and the teeth contribute to this) and it is at a point you're unable to leave home to help yourself I think this is a good place to start.

I don't want to give you a pile of dentistry options that you've already tried and make you feel worse. You mentioned the fees are unaffordable. What about searching for a clinic which will offer a payment plan?

I do think a good place to start would be booking a long appointment with a bulk billing GP. Your teeth are obviously a major concern if you're unable to eat let alone the anxiety caused. I keep wondering what is covered via medicare but I just don't have this knowledge.

You could also ask for a new assessment of your depression. Not all meds work for everyone. It can be trial and error unfortunately. Having bad symptoms from one doesn't mean none will work for you. Similar to how Marcus mentioned how there are so many types of therapies. It does take a willingness on your part to keep trying as difficult as that can feel.

I hope you keep talking. Your thread has been moved out of the social zone which is good as it contributed to the lack of replies sorry.

By the way you can call me Nat 😊 there are a lot of CCs on the forums. We're just volunteers with a mental illness too.

[Cam1313]

Thank you Marcus, your response was helpful, and made me feel better, yes counciling seemed to go nowhere, though iv been thinking a lot, and I guess I to tend to dwell on the past allot, that’s my trouble, I’m like a sponge, absorbing all that happens to me, never letting anything go, I will strive to change that. I agree that I should focus on one problem at a time, and get my priorities in order, at least then I would feel like I’m moving in a positive direction, it’s nice to know I’m not so isolated and alone as I thought I was, thanks again for your enlightening message of hope

[Cam1313]

Hello nat, thank you for your response, I found your genuine concern for my wellbeing very touching, and it really lifted my mood, sorry about my problems, I seem to have let them overwhelm me, I’m going to focus on one thing at a time, and check out if I can get a payment plan for my dentistry, while going for drivers license, my depression seems to mediate between manageable and utter misery, but reading your encouraging response has givin me the drive to get on with life, I thank you so much, I was in one of my dark places when first I wrote my post, feeling much better now, I have so many issues, it’s hard to know where to begin, I’m embarrassed to say I have went years without feeling human touch, never known romantic love, iv had two relationships, and both ended horribly, I wonder if it’s even worth it at this point, all the men iv ever known seem sweet to begin with, but after sex, they toss me away, and disappear, maybe it’s just a guy thing, I don’t know, makes me feel used and makes me think I’m unworthy of love, it’s always been a big fear of mine to go through life, and never actually live it. Just venting again, my apologies, I’m sure if I can get my life sorted, I may find love yet, I’m hopeful.

[Quercus]

Hi Cam1313,

Good to see you a little more hopeful today. You're definately not alone. The forums like anything have their limitations but once you begin venturing around and finding your way here you'll realise you're not different. Unique as a person but there are always people who will relate to and empathise from experience to what you're going through.

One example... Apologising 😊. We all do it. Sorry to vent. Sorry to bring others down. Sorry to be hopeless. I've said those words many times here. Others do too. But this thread is yours. It is a safe haven to talk about and work through any issues you wish to. There is no need to apologise for hurting and being afraid.

There is a really lovely thread by BlondeGuy (his name is Paul) you might find helpful. I do. It is easy to think you are alone feeling unworthy of love. This thread (it is a long long one) proves otherwise. Low self esteem is rampant.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/do-you-love-yourself-your-thoughts-are-welcome

I'm glad you're taking it one goal at a time. Did you consider the GP? I know I'm nagging sorry but it does help to have a medical professional on your side too.

Thanks for the compliment. I've started a new med and have to regain some confidence on the forums so it was lovely to read that.

Hope to hear your progress when you feel able to (any reply is a positive response... It means you're keeping on trying 😊).

Nat

[smallwolf]

Cam1313,

Hi. By way of a background, I sent and email to my psychologist after seeing my psychologist; was talking about events in my past and how they effect me now. I could not put my finger on what binds all the negative events together, but when I read this...

I’m like a sponge, absorbing all that happens to me, never letting anything go

Wow! That was exactly the words I was looking for. Thank you. It may seem obvious, but sometimes cannot see the wood for the trees. (My life... I will be talking about that with the psych on Mon.)

If you are on ADs and they are not working for you, talk to your GP about that. My medication changed (by psychiatrist) after I told her about the side-effects I was getting. Might be worth considering.

Lastly, you don't have to the apologize in your own thread - if you need to vent by writing it here, please do. Writing in my own thread can be helpful to myself, by allowing me to reflect on what happened more logically. And depending on what I write, might get some feedback that is useful.

Hope some of the above was useful to you. All the best,

Tim

Tim

[Ronniefm]

Hi I have an idea that might help. Firstly you have a birthright to live a joyful life, however if you were raised without the nourishment an infant or child needs it does leave an emptiness. Write down a long list of affirmations, find a quiet place in the garden and meditate,reading over and over the affirmations. Probably difficult at first but it will help. One good one is: I do deserve to be loved. Remember it's your birthright! Bye for now