Is it possible to stay friends with your ex husband and have a full relationship with a new female partner?

[Esti67]

Hi everyone,

I have posted as Esti on another thread but my situation and its complications are vastly different to my original post. I am 51 and newly out. After a tumultous 6 months i am now living as a lesbian following separating from my husband who I've been in a relationship with for 35 years. I am out to the people i care about and i am in a relationship with a wonderful woman who i have known for the last 18 years. Things have been good as we are exploring what our relationship is. We would love to live together, I love her, she loves me. I have been included in her life as fully as possible. I have met her family, friends and kids. This us a very big deal to her. Coming out has been very new to me and only a few people know about her. My kids dont (they are adults) but this is changing as i am telling them on Wednesday as i cant stand the secrecy and its causing major problems in our relationship. I desperately want to have her as fully in my life as i am in hers so I've made the decision after a robust conversation to just tell them. I have been scared to so far but understand why this is such an issue. I am still good friends with my ex but my partner feels that this is really inappropriate considering this is all new and its sending mixed messages. Effectively, she's not prepared to have a relationship with someone who doesnt include her as a fuller part of her life as well as being attached to her ex. I completely understand her point and am putting in boundaries with my ex (as hard as it is) and telling my kids, family and important friends about her. My question is has anyone from the LGBTQI community experienced this before when being with someone who still has a lot of attachment to a previous straight relationship. In her words, i am still having an emotional relationship with my ex which means i still have 2 partners even though i have physically moved out of the family home. This us way harder than i thought it would be.I appreciate your thoughts.

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

G'day E I don't know if you're doing shift work this weekend but if you're not hopefully you're chilling out somewhere and unwinding.

I'm sure it's all been very intense, and difficult to know whose emotions are whose & your head would be twirling a bit. If your empathic my therapist says that you tend to hold everyone's and the only way you can figure out what you feel is to have time on your own.

I hope that it went Ok the other night. It must have felt a bit weird at first but it would have humanised the situation too. When we're alone in our heads we can be very irrational and not see clearly.

I guess your gf has to realise that even if you're in a new relationship and traditionally that means you should be happy, it doesn't mean that you won't miss your husband and grieve the loss of your marriage. You would be grieving and you would be feeling really bad on many levels because there was never any intent to cause hurt. And you will miss him too.

But from your side, unhappiness doesn't always appear as being demonstrably miserable. You probably shocked him when you came out, because there were no classic signs of being unhappy - you probably still appeared mostly content, and you weren't acting out.

But being miserable in an empty and yearning kind of way is a different sort of miserable. You can go through the motions and get on with life with a smile on your face, but still feel kind of hollow inside and not a single person will notice. I guess what adds to this empty feeling is the realisation that we are often moving through life, as an act of compliance. Even compliant to parents who are no longer on this earth, just to please them and keep the bond and their approval.

You’ve stopped being compliant now and I’m sure some in your community will be outraged. They expend so much energy making sure that they fit in and are accepted, that it is absolutely unfathomable that someone would want to stick out.

There will be many ups and downs, and a lot of judgment but I hope that it settles down a bit. I guess there are people who take risks, and there are people that decide for what is familiar. But staying with what you know is actually a risk as well when you think about it logically. None of us know what lies ahead.

Enjoy your weekend and have time to yourself. Watch a movie, go for a walk, do some cooking, ring a friend that doesnt know either of them.

Def.

[Esti67]

Thanks again both of you, things will ease, i just need to keep moving forward. And yes the grief is considerable.

I have had the week from hell which i never want to repeat. It did however end beautifully but i will get to that .

The catch up with my ex and new gf was...interesting. my normally very calm no nonsense gf had a melt down which almost resulted in a panic attack. My ex didn't see this but knew something was wrong. Ive also never seen this in her. My ex did his best. They both said they had forgotten how lovely each other were. End result, we r fine but not something we want to do again in a hurry. I think it really rattled my gf.

I decided to come out to my brother. After i came out to him, he came out to me!!!! We are both in our 50s. He's always known, been a devout christian and underwent years of gay conversion therapy, but is now happily on grindr ( safely i might add). So between myself, brother and cousin, 3 out of 4 aint bad me thinks !!

Have a good Easter both of you

E

[Definitely_Otherwise]

Oh my god E that’s an amazing story! So you were in the closet together! It must be so nice to have some flesh and blood that totally gets it and totally understands your culture and family from the inside and how hard it is to come out later in life. Did your bro say what the final straw was? Did he meet someone, or just find himself becoming more and more depressed over-time, that something authentic and undiscovered was missing from his life. I can’t believe that those so called Christian groups are allowed to get away with that, it is just absolutely awful and it angers me.

Sorry to read you’ve had a hell of a week. I agree that you guys don’t need to be repeating the meet-up. It was probably needed, but you can’t rush the process. I think that your ex-husband needs to get in touch with his raw emotions otherwise it could effect him in other ways and prevent him from moving forward. It will be really slow and up and down for him for a long time, after all this is his first broken heart and first breakup, but in time life can surprise us, who knows what lies ahead.

If your gf comes from a history of a gaslighter this would have completely changed the way that she thinks and I’m not at all surprised she has anxiety. It’s not really unlike gay conversion therapy when you live with someone like that, and it affects you pretty much forever.

I hope you’re not working this weekend and will enjoy just chilling out somewhere, laughing with your bro maybe. Your 50s are the new 20s E. It’s all happening.

What a strange week you’ve had. Lol.

Def.

[demonblaster]

Hi Esti DO and all ☺

Wow it's been full on hasn't it. I hope you're feeling a little lighter having the news out rather than chewing at you.

Good hearing the dinner ended better as you'd said they've been friends a long time. This is new for all of you really so in time hopefully the dustvsettles and friendships can be reignited.

It's an adjustment for all of you. I hope you do remain friends with X

Fantastic about your brother what a pleasant relief that must have been, no judgement from him or you. Boomer

Hope youse have a nice Easter too ☺

Take care peeps 🥚