Importance of a label

[abbeydawn]

I am in my early 20s, and recently discovered the term 'demisexual'. For majority of my teenage years I wondered whether I was a lesbian, bi or perhaps just straight and those questioning thoughts were due to my constant contact with only girls (I went to an all girl's high school. In my late teens I realized that it was not as easy for me to be intimate with someone, which made me feel even more alienated among my fellow peers who seemed to have no problem in identifying how they felt physically about someone else. 

There is only one person I have ever felt the urge to be emotionally and physically involved, and that happens to be one of my close friends (girl). I developed a crush, or feelings for her after we shared quite a lot of our problems. I have worked very hard and long to diminish my feelings as I value our friendship more and know that she doesn't see me the same way. After doing so I felt more free and let my brain explore "other fish in the sea" and I did happen to like a guy recently, which made me question everything once again.  

That is what brings me to understand demisexuality as this term describes someone who does not experience sexual attraction unless there is an emotional bond present. From the endless forums I have explored it seems that majority of demisexuals feel confused about their sexuality initially, tend to fall for their friends (and the love is one-sided), tend to feel an emptiness when the topic comes to sex and/or find it hard to be sexually intimate on a casual basis - all of these apply to me very accurately. The small instances that I have experienced in liking someone/being involved with someone have revolved around either not feeling anything due to lack of connection or feeling too much due to the deep bond, and currently the issue of understanding whether I like guys or girls or both.

Finding this term helped me figure myself out a bit, and this is just the tip of the iceberg in comparison to the heap of questions, theories and assumptions that are circling in my head. Does anyone feel completely confused about their need for emotional bond? And how does one certainly know which sex they are attracted to? Do my concerns even rely on attraction or purely just the emotional bond shared by two? Thanks for the read and hope someone can relate! 

[Mel3]

Hi there Abbey, it sounds like to me that you are mixing two issues together.  Only feeling a sexual attraction to someone that you have an emotional bond with is something that can be experienced by men or women. I am much the same, and I see it as a positive thing.  Yes, it has meant that I have fallen for friends from time to time but after a few initial heartaches I understand how my feelings work and I can set boundaries.

The second issue is the one of which sex are you attracted to - it's ok to be attracted to both.  It's a bit of a myth that people who are bisexual 'can't make up their minds'. I like to think it's more that we fall in love with a person, and not their plumbing.  Some bi people I've known will be more attracted to one sex than the other, some will be sexually attracted to men, but only want to have emotional relationships with women.  We are all so different, but I think society emphasis the importance of a label as you say in your title.  I think these can be restricting and damaging forthose of us who don't fit into the easy boxes. Is it important for you to have a label? Or just to understand what your'e going through? 

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

Sometimes I think labels are a good thing. Just because if there is a label someone has been there before and it means others are there. We do better together.

Sexuality and Gender are complicated, every one of us seems to be a little different from the next, so learning about yourself is a great thing to do. Thank you for sharing this.

Rob.