...Here I go again

[zatromitos]

Hi people. I just finished registering. I have so much to say its silly really. 

Let me start by saying. I feel alone. I have no job. I am 25. And all the crao in my life is starting to get a bit heavy. 

I have a wife in america but she has been acting....off... And

i have abandonment   issues on top of that. I have a family but I don't trust them they have hurt me enough in the past. I don't trust anymore. Been broken too much. My ex, who I still love as a friend is sick and I am worried. She is quiet. I have no friends, except for my ex who isn't talking to me. And a Muslim man that has been a good friend but.... Yha.

I have been getting quietlately. I have shut out people in my life. I don't want to be lonely. But every time I trusted, I got a kick in the face. Jobless... Economy or me? I am smart. Handy. Funny. But yes. No job. I am looking. I'm getting tired. I knoiw this is going to sound wrong.But i wish there would come a woman into my life who has a ton of love to offer me. Someone who wants to take care of me. 

Because

I am broken now. You know how you would wonder off into or own mind and just picture her... Walking up, she doesn't have to be perfect. And telling you she won't leave. She accepts u for or mistakes and she's going to love you............. Where is she? I feel angry. Upset. Confused.......... I just need someone close to me. Not for sex. Just....... To be there. Who won't mind that I don't have money or a career now... I write, but I am a rookie and seems no one wants poetry. 

Tired.

Just, tired people. I need a lifeline here.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Zatromitos

Firstly I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you to Beyond Blue and thank you for registering and coming here and providing your post.  That IS a positive step you've taken.

Wowee, it sounds like you've got a lot happening and have had a lot happening and throughout it all, it seems like you've only had yourself to assist you with the issues.

Have you been to see a GP at all??   I think in your case it might not hurt to go along and have a chat to see what a professional might be able to advise - just in the professional sense.

With regard to your wife who's in America - is that a long-term thing??  From what you said though it doesn't sound overly good if (a) she's been acting off  and (b) you state later in your post how you'd really love to meet a lady who just loves you unconditionally for who you are.   There's nothing wrong with wishing for Part B, but I think, it's perhaps not so good while Part A is still happening.

With writing and poetry, don't EVER give up on that - keep going with it - I think if you've got a passion for something and it's also something that you feel you're ok or even good at, don't EVER let others discourage you from continuing.   You should keep doing this;  write away and be persistent at it - that's something that a hell of a lot of us can't do - so keep with it.

The current job market isn't so flash, as you well know - but again it's another example of having to be persistent and to be aware that you're going to get knock-backs with jobs applied for.  For me, I use a fishing adage - when I'm trying for a job, I put out as many baited lines as possible - to as many jobs as possible that suit my skill set - and you never know, the bite will come along one day.

But back to the GP, I think going along and for you to have a chat - as you've said, you've got no one really you're able to chat with.  It might just help.

I hope I've said something that may help you or trigger something in yourself that might turn out to be useful and above all, I'd love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[zatromitos]

Hi Neil.

Thank you for the reply. Well yes, your words have helped a bit. I won't leave my wife or cheat on her but I do want someone who cares for me. I won't be getting intimate with people while married. Its long term. All I can do is sit here and hope she doesn't drop me. But I have reservations due to a past between her and I in which she has lied to me. She has d.I.d. so I can't ever really be angry right....

She lied about cheating. She still thinks I believe her lies, after I found out the truth I stayed with her, why? Because I love her... I have never in my life hated loving someone as I do now. But I'll break before I leave her. It just hurts. Not being able to trust.

My ex has liver things going on, she started drinking after we broke up. I blame myselfof course. I should never have hurted someone like that. She says she still loves me, I still love her, but my love is as a friend. She also lied to me in the past.

I write. Its what I have. 

Things are splattered everywhere right now. But somewhere something is going to have to give. 

Thank you

[Neil_1]

Hi Zatromitos

Thank you for getting back to me - and ok, it sure sounds like there's some deep issues lying just under the surface for you - for you to think on and deal with.

There's a lot of good people on this site and I hope if you feel the need to chat further about this, that you can come back and write more.  But no one is forced on this site;  it's totally up to you.

And as I wrote before, if you feel the need for some professional assistance, there's always the option of going to a GP, who could in turn set you up with an appropriate psyche to talk and discuss some of these issues that are troubling you.

Kind regards

Neil

[zatromitos]

Neil,

Thank you. Yes, I like this place think I'll stay. Lol

I think I need to just let things play out as it must now. I have faith for the best outcome. 

Z

[Zoe__lt_3]

Hi Z,

I agree with Neil's suggestions and I have recently begun seeing a GP and taking AD's, which have helped me a lot. Maybe doing this will help you see a little bit of "light at the end of the tunnel". It did for me.

I'm worried with your comment that you'd 'break before you left your wife' as that seems to me (I'm no psychologist however!) that you may be setting yourself up for a disaster with that mindset. If she has hurt or betrayed you in the past, it's a good indicator of her future performance. I must admit I don't know her however! At some point you must do what is best for you long-term.

Keep working on your poetry - an artistic, creative outlet is important. I write and draw for the same reason.

Good luck and try to keep a spark of positive in your life to cling on to.

Zoe x

[geoff]

dear Zatromito, I want to wish you a warm welcome.

I have reservations about your wife living in America, as she has already cheated on you and is now an actor, and I'm talking from experience here as my wife ( ex ) was also cheating on me before she divorced me, as all the guys always went up to talk to her, whether it was in public or social occasion, which I tried to avoid when I had depression, and boy I hated this so much, of course she loved it.

I'm sorry but I believe that she is not recognising the marriage vows, because you don't know what she could be doing.

This isn't what you wanted to hear and I hope that I haven't upset you too much. Geoff.