Heart broken

[Emce]

Hi, I’m a 41 year old married lesbian with 2 kids. My wife and I have been together for 16 years. A couple of months ago my wife came to me and told me she was bi. I went through a lot of emotions and asked her a lot of questions, like are you going to want to explore? Is there someone you’re attracted to? At this stage I was suspicious about her male boss. She told me it wasn’t about anyone, and she didn’t want to explore and that nothing has to change. I was worried she was going to decide she wanted a man more than me. 
Not long after she told me this, she told her boss, which I thought could only mean one thing. I think her boss thought that was his chance, and started to charm her and flirt with her, ( he cheated on his own wife with his current girlfriend). Unfortunately she gave into him and started flirting with him back. Anyway to make a long story short, her end of year work Xmas party came up, and I told her I would drive her so she could drink. She said she’d think about it ( I didn’t know it was an over night camp). I didn’t think she wanted go so I forgot all about it. 3 days before the event she tells me she wants to go alone to her Xmas party and tells me it’s over night. I was weary about it, I had a bad feeling. And started to question her relationship with her boss. She lied to me so much.

So she cheated on me, she had a threesome with him and his girlfriend, she tells me she didn’t sleep with him, only her, but it was to impress him. I am still absolutely devastated, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to trust her again. And now she has asked to be in an open marriage. I’m stuck as to what to do. My mind is all over the place, she is the love of my life and I don’t want to lose her, but she’s hurt me so bad, how can I trust her to be honest with me?

[geoff]

Hello Emce, if I can say first of all that her boss already has a wife, a girlfriend with the possibility of trying to get your wife and now all of this has happened, it's going to be very difficult to be able to trust her again if she feels this way.

16 years is a long time together and you have 2 kids so unfortunately it's going to affect everyone and definitely puts the three of you in an awkward situation, I'm sorry to say.

If she wants to stay bi then friction will develop between the two of you and it won't be easy living together and perhaps it's a decision you and the kids need to make whether this is what you can tolerate, and I realise what harm all of you will be feeling if she remains to be bi.

Please get back to us if you like.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Trans22]

Hi Emce.
If you haven't done so already, try to calmly talk to her about your feelings about her behaviour.  Before making any decisions, you need to understand her motivations.  The road ahead of you is likely to be quite difficult.  If you do decide to change into an open marriage arrangement, how comfortable would you be if she was open and honest about her future activities?  Would you be likely to forgive her indiscretions?
I've been in a similar situation and things _eventually_ worked out for the best, but I suspect that our story is an exception to the normal outcome in situations like yours.

[tmas]

A retroactive request for an open relationship after cheating on a partner seems like something I've heard several times lately. This is so disrespectful in my opinion, and your tone seems to convey that you also feel disrespected by this. 

I'm a bi woman, in a relationship with a man. My curiosity or desires for women have never compelled me to infringe on the trust of my partner, with whom the agreement is mutually understood to be monogamous. A thought and discussion about sexuality, or even minor/fleeting attraction to another person, is different from a fully-fledged interest in (let alone pursuit of) a specific person, and has nothing to do with bisexuality - she claims to have not slept with the male boss, only his girlfriend (not only is this still a sexual interaction with him, but most of all it's explicit cheating with the other woman). After 16 years, I imagine she would have had to be on the same page as you regarding the status of a monogamous relationship. 

She likely was always bisexual, and will not cease to be bisexual. I'm open about my sexuality with my partner and I am confident that he was never made uncomfortable by this, nor feared infidelity because of my interest in another gender. This is a matter of infidelity, and your instinct to mistrust her confession of bisexuality seems to be based in relationship insecurity, mounting evidence, and mistrust of her behaviour regarding her boss (who himself has a history of cheating). 

Given this is a long term relationship, and you have two children, it is up to you how this situation is handled. If your trust has been breached beyond repair, you are entitled to call the shots on the future of the relationship. Should you stay together, you should make it clear what you need from her in future. Personally, I wouldn't be comfortable for her to remain in that job. Do not concede to an open relationship just because you fear her leaving you for a man - if it makes you uncomfortable, you should not have to endure it just to ease her conscience. This dynamic probably wouldn't be sustainable, and an unhappy parent relationship would do more damage than a healthy agreed upon separation.