Depression, Anxiety, Relationship.... hang on pretty much life issues

[Mishey]

I am new to this I quite literally signed up 5 minutes ago. I have recently been diagnosed with acute anxiety and major depression and have been taking medication now for around 6 weeks or so. Both my GP and Psychologist believe that both the anxiety and depression have come from untreated PTSD gifted to me by my previous girlfriend. I treated it myself, alcohol and many late night/early mornings at the clubs ( I now know that is not actually helpful). I have been with my current gf for two years now and in that time I have had two episodes of serious PTSD flashbacks whilst drinking and have physically hurt her. Please no judgements I have been trying to get my own head around how I became my ex and how I could hurt someone I love, regardless of my conscious being "in the moment" or not I still take responsibility for my actions. It has lead me to my diagnoses and getting help ( small silver linings). I still struggle with trust issues and I am aware this sounds absurd but I struggle with trusting my partner despite what has happened. I constantly think she is going to cheat on me or has planned to. My ex cheated on me so along with being abusive physically and verbally over a 7 year period she was a real gem. The issues are pretty simple, I am transposing my past relationship issues into my new relationship , simple to see but not simple for me to fix. It is driving my partner bat crap crazy ( I can't have two of us crazy in the house there just isn't the space) I love her immeasurably and she has well and truly earned my trust in abundance but the minute she is somewhere all the passed experience come back with a golf club to my stomach and then the anxiety kicks in: For me that also means anger ( it's my replacement emotion for fear probably hasn't helped me much but it is definitely reliable). I know I am draining her and have told her so many times to leave as I am too damaged. I just feel like everytime I feel like I am getting somewhere in one aspect I screw things up somewhere else.

[MarkJT]

Mishey, well done on coming to the forums and posting. This tells me that you are wanting to do something about your issues which is awesome. You are in a very supportive environment that will never judge you so there is no need to worry about that. Remember that this forum is chockers with people who have lived experience with mental health issues so you are not alone and there are plenty that are in very similar situations to you.

I understand your flashbacks as I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. I like, with a touch of sarcasm i think, that you have recognised that drinking isn't exactly healthy for you. Great realisation and hopefully your alcohol intake has dropped.

Are you able to sit down with your GF and discuss what is going on? The more she knows about it, the easier it will to handle.

Have you heard about mindfulness? I am a huge fan of it and use it to settle my anxiety down. It is about living in the now and the bonus is that you and your GF can practice this together.

With your anger outbursts, you need to find something to replace it with. When i have excessive anger build up or a snap blow up, I go for a run and burn it off. If it is intense, I sprint for as long as i can basically. It removes the angry energy from you. You can run, swim, bike, push ups, sit ups, jumps, skipping, whatever. Just get that body moving (after a warm up) and use that explosive energy.

Nothing you say sounds absurd, I can tell you that.

Sounds to me like you are catastophising which is what i do all the time, i.e. if someone is late, they have been in a car accident when in fact, they are caught in traffic etc. Your partner obviously loves you very much and you love her very much. Sounds like a really good and solid relationship so there is absolutely no reason why she would be cheating or will cheat on you. When this happens, what i do, is stop and just think, what is the evidence that she is cheating and you will find that there is none so you can relax about it.

Please don't tell her to leave again. You deserve a happy life and and a life with her certainly sounds like a happy one. Just think that if you can work this out together, just how strong the bond will be between you two. That is so exciting.

Keep posting as i would love to keep hearing how you are going.

Cheers

Mark

[Nikkir]

Hi Mishey,

Thank you for reaching out to us and welcome. It sounds like you have been through alot and also have alot going on, but you seem to have good insight into yourself and the situation. It's good that you are seeing a GP and psychologist. Do you have medication ? It is really traumatic to have anxiety and flash blacks and trauma but with the right support and some work, it can improve alot. It sounds like your previous relationship was very hurtful and traumatizing and it is understandable that you would have trusted issues or be scared that the same things might happen again, that is a very normal and to some degree healthy response. The saying goes "once bitten and twice shy," and though it can impact on future relationships it is healthy to make sure we don't end up in another bad situation. It is good that you have found somebody that you care about and obviously cares alot about you as well. I don't have the answers except to say that it would be good when you can work through some of this with the psychologist so you can address your fears and set some healthy boundaries for yourself and your partner. One thing is for sure, you deserve to be loved and be happy so it might not be the best idea to push her away if you truly do love her and want her because sometimes you tell people that enough times and then they do leave and you wish they didn't? Its nice that you are concerned that you are hurting her or maybe not in the best space at the moment. You can always call to chat on our number 1300 22 4636 or chat to us online and we would love it if you keep in touch, wishing you all the best and know that you are not alone. Nikkir x

[Cornstarch]

It sounds like your ex taunted you for a long time

I have met a lot of people this year who've told me their breaking point came within the context of an abusive, unhealthy relationship, and they're now kicking themselves for not ending it sooner.

I have chronic PTSD.

You have a lot of self awareness, not everyone does, and it's really hard to teach someone that.

Unfortunately PTSD is a sensory disorder and you're being triggered. Emotional flashbacks will come thick and fast.

You didn't mention if the ex is still hanging around or at least her presence is, or if you guys have financial/practical loose ends to still tie up. If she is this will make it really tough to stop the triggers. Near impossible. You will remain feeling taunted and teased. It's not like you can move countries you're probably settled somewhere you love.

I have a lot of hope for you and your new partner. I think in time it will be Ok, you're doing lots of healthy things

[Mishey]

Thanks Nikki, Mark and Cornstarch for your posts and for being so non-judgemental. I have limited my alcohol use to none which has proved to be less difficult with the medication as I was using it as a way of dealing with my really low days and as it is a depressant consequently it made me worse.

Prior to the last episode ( I refer to it as my "big bang" moment) I was a regular member at the gym and it helped for a time but when I moved in with my gf around 4 months ago I left my parents and my sister in a town over 2 hours away. I have recently started going again as regularly as possible and so far it is working so I will persevere. I try not to get to down on myself on the days I cannot muster the strength to go.

Despite having friends here where I live I don't see them as I work in hospitality and well our usual "coffee dates" consisted of Friday nights at the pub or drinks at their place so I have had to avoid those situations. It appears that those who would be interested in a night of debaucherous board games or dinner and movies are all busy with their children and partners. To be honest I don't really know any other way of doing things as that was my "socialising"; drinking going out and meeting new people as before, with my ex, I went to work and I was only "allowed" out with her or her family and most of the time I spent just praying that the night was not going to end the way I already knew it was going to, whether I was home awaiting her arrival back from her night or I was out with her awaiting her "snap" moment. I find it difficult to meet new people outside of work etc without alcohol and such as I felt it was the only way I could let all my insecurities go, turns out it works for the first 6 drinks and then afterwards they come back 10 fold. Irony is not my friend. So in short I have no social life at all and no friends which is now exacerbated by the issues between my gf and I, as most of the time I socialised with her and her friends.

My ex is still around in the sense that she has facebooked my gf ( as she cannot get me or my son; thank god for "blocking") and a few months into my new relationship I contacted her in a bid to forgive so I could move on (this proved to be not at all productive) my gf has since blocked her too but she, as a sociopath likes to rear her hydra like heads, in some form or another from time to time. It was and is a trigger.

Thanks so much giving me your time guys it is appreciated.

[Cornstarch]

It would be so easy to drink yourself into oblivion with PTSD or after exiting an abusive relationship because for a blissful few hours the hyperarousal is squashed. And when you're feeling crap and someone has broken your spirit you just want to have some god damn reckless fun. Mine is too chronic to party excessively and the nature of the flashbacks are so disturbing I can't end up at the bottom of the gap so have to be really careful.

Its a shame your ex is still around because you will continue to question your goodness. Until you have been pushed to a DV edge the goings on behind closed must seem absurd to people who haven't experienced it. She may use public shaming tactics and all of your mistakes will be feasted upon and out out in the open. Friends and family will know that you are lovable and loved.

I think it's wonderful you've met someone else. If the prior relationship had a cheating from both sides you can heal from your past actions. It would have been quite logical to grab onto another warm body whilst living in hell. I suppose though you don't wanna hurt innocent third parties cos that would suck, they are human too.

If you still have loose ends to tie up I'd outsource that. It will be too triggering for you. I was tying up 30 yrs of misery in Leura selling the family home and I was dealing with a very aggressive real estate agent, I blame him for my final meltdown and walking away. It is so incredibly stressful splitting rely on mates to help you with any left over practicalities and cut ties totally

Good luck

[Nikkir]

Hi Mishey,

Thank for taking the time to write back, its funny you know after I write the posts I do hope that people are ok, sometimes we will know other times we don't. It sounds like you are in a better space at the moment. It's great that you are not drinking at the moment, it makes life complicated. It may some time for you to find a new social life and friends, I can relate to this as I have just moved and also I don't like going out lol. You will have a much better chance than me. From my understanding you do have a partner ? Is so that is good, you are not alone. You have been through alot so you need to be patient with yourself. It makes life hard when the ex won't move on or makes life hard, its kind of sad though because she can't move forward and keep going with life. The less energy you give them the better, which is good you blocked. Eventually people get bored or lonely and move on, generally. It's great that you are going to the gym even if it's not all the time. It's a good thing to do, better than not going ever. Wishing you the very best, as you know, we are here!! Take Care Nikkir x

[Mishey]

I thought I was really trying. I thought she could see that I was but it wasn't enough. I have hurt her too much and now everything is falling apart. After the "big bang" she took time off work and stayed with a work mate for a couple of days that "mate" took it personally when she left there and came back to our house and consequently went to her work saying horrible things. Turns out her boss is friends with this person and as such has refused to put her back on the roster so she can go back to work. The so called mate has now said she has thrown her belongings away and if she returns to her place in an attempt to get them she will call the police. I am so confused. Now, as this is fall out from my actions, she is blaming me for destroying her life. Mentally I understand she is not in a good place because of what I have done and I tried to get her to come to counselling with me or even on her own and she wouldn't. Because I feel so guilty I take that and turn it into her cheating or something else but I also know that I have tried to fix things when they come up the best I can. I feel alone, lost, scared and confused. I really just don't want to be in my own head anymore.

[Cornstarch]

Hey Mishey,

I can't take your relationship problems away with your new gf but can totally relate to ghosts of trauma sidelining you and humiliating you. Mine always manages to be in public places.

As you say interpersonal trauma 'gifted' to you from another human being means another layer of resentment and shame adds to our already heady cocktail of self loathing. I'd be so dirty with my ex.

I hope your depression has eased a little. The cruelty of depression is that you lose motivation to do fun things like go to the gym.

Anxiety is a school yard, mocking bully,

🤕