Breaking cycles and no luck

[TheWayfarer]

Long story short, about two weeks ago, a close friend of mine found out that I had romantic feelings for him. For a few days I knew something was odd as he wasn't responding to my messages and he was acting really cold towards me.

Only for me, while I was having an anxiety attack, receive a message from him saying he wanted to keep his distance and that we could not be friends anymore.

I was and still am, devastated and heartbroken.

We had gotten quite close even though it had only been a year and a bit. We spent four days together, spent Christmas, New years and went on a great road trip. In fact we for about a month we were practically living with each other.

I didn't originally set out to fall for him. But the more time we spent and he shared so much of himself, I couldn't help but love all the aspects about him. The good and the bad.

We have lots of mutual friends so it feels really awkward going into social settings. He seems to cope a lot better than me although what upsets me more is how cold and angry he behaves around me. He talks to everyone else just fine but then when it's me - just nothing or a sense of being irate.

I've mentioned a few years ago in this forum - that a similar situation happened with another guy. Ironically they have both become close friends and I can't help but feel so alone and isolated and not accepted. He too has now isolated me and become so angry at me when I ask for support.

I haven't cried so much in my life - and it feels like I'm grieving even though it's so pathetic since I wasn't even in a relationship with these men. 

Some days I feel so empowered, I'd be shouting mantras and playing scenes in my imagination like "when will there be a time where I can stop apologising for being myself?" and feel I can take on the world.

But most days I'm incredibly lonely, have dark thoughts and feel so unloved and unsupported. And I feel like such a burden.

I still love him and the others despite hurting so much. I can barely focus at work (which then makes it hard because I need to work to survive), and I miss him so much. My anxiety triggers because it takes me back to when I was a kid I've had traumatic experiences just saying how I felt to guys.

I don't look (or sound like it), but I'm a hopeless romantic so I hope things get better

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

"hopeless romantic"? Therein lies THEIR problem not yours. You are sensitive, loving, caring and human, frankly this means you deserve better and someone more mature than these guys that are not suitable.

Having have 4 long term relationships all over 7 years I know what it's like to be in love and splitting up. You feel so obsessed that you believe there wont be anyone else that could fill that void, that isnt correct.

Your circle of friends... you might be better served not associating with most of them for a while. You can confide in 1 or 2 for comfort but chill for a while and in the meantime find new friends at sporting venues etc. Moving on is hard but life is hard.

Your anxiety needs attention. This isnt unusual and a trip to your GP is the first step if you havent already done so. I took a long time to get rid of my anxiety, you can start now.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

That link suggests several techniques you can use, even youtube, that can help. Dedicate a few minutes daily especially before sleep and you'll begin to eliminate this serious disorder.

Sometimes we should realise we deserve better, seek it, seek the guy that idolises you and you'll be happy forever.

TonyWK