Am I gay

[Isme1234]

I am so confused!

for the past few years my labido has reduced.

partially from prostate cancer

treated with radiation.

and partly from lost trust due to ex wife’s infidelities.

before that i was a very sexual person.

i did have my curiosity for same sex and after a few years of being single I gave in and tried sex with another man.

the physical side was beyond amazing 

however I could not get that emotional connection.

i am now remarried years later to opposite gender and love the intimacy 

however I don’t seem to be able to be aroused with her.

I have seen specialist and have been told it’s all in my head

so that leaves me to question myself 

AM I GAY???

[sbella02]

Hey Isme1234,

Thank you so much for reaching out to us, welcome to the forums. 

As somebody who has wrestled with my own sexuality before, I know how challenging it can be when you're dealing with conflicting feelings like this. I'll start off by asking - how important is it for you to find a label that represents how you're feeling? 

If it's not so important, then I suppose just recognising that you're having those feelings may be enough to ease the discomfort that can come from questioning. I gather that it might be quite important to you given that you're asking the question, so here are a few labels you might like to look into to see whether you fit in with one of them:

Bicurious - if you primarily identify as a straight man, you may have some fleeting wonder about what it would be like to be with a man, or may have even had some experiences.

Gay - as a man, you don't experience sexual attraction towards women

Bisexual - attraction to both men and women 

Bisexual but heteroromantic - you might experience attraction to men and women sexually but only women romantically

Bisexual but homoromantic - the opposite, where you experience attraction to men and women but only experience romantic attraction towards men

Homosexual/gay but heteroromantic - as a man, only being sexually attracted to men, but only attracted romantically to women

This is a very simplistic view of these, and there can be a lot more nuance, but I hope that gives a little overview of some identities that you might find you relate to. I hope this helps 🙂

Take care, SB

[therising]

Hi Isme1234

I find it often pays to have an open and a wonder filled or wonderful mind. Revelations come into an open mind far more easily when compared to a closed mind.

While I keep in mind that we're creatures who tick in a variety of different ways, including biologically, chemically, mentally etc, sometimes I also like to look at things simplistically or naturally. As a 55yo gal, it's only in the last handful of years that I've begun to consider the idea that emotion is basically energy in motion or what you could call e-motion. So stripping it right back, beyond chemical reactions or chemical energy that we can feel, the question can become 'What's this energy I'm feeling?'. In other words 'What would I label this energy as and how do I feel or experience it?'. I know, can sound a bit woo woo but bear with me.

You could ask/wonder 

• Do I find masculine energy strong and seriously exciting or is it more so related to the energy involved in stimulating the prostate gland? By the way, I heard it said just the other day that someone with the same anatomy knows how to hit all the right spots, through personal experience
• Do I find purely feminine energy a bit tame and unexciting in some ways? Do I find it to feel a little bit passive?
• What kind of energy do I experience with my current partner during intimacy? Does it feel exciting or does it feel typical, like going through the motions in a way? Does exploring or experimenting feel exciting in itself, no matter whether that's with a male or female (current partner)? How does experimenting with my partner feel for me and her? Does it feel like it holds some potential perhaps? How far are we willing to stretch our imaginations? Could it involve a test of the imagination, to see how well exercised or stretched it actually is? Could this be a next level challenge in our relationship on the way to graduating to new levels together?
• Would I thrive on a purely physical relationship with a guy and a purely soulful non physical relationship with a female? How does that thought feel for me?

Just a handful of many things to wonder about.

As I say, we're a combo of many things. For someone to say 'It's all in your head' is dismissive. It could relate to hormonal energy/chemistry, the kind of energy/chemistry that needs to be regenerated or restored after treatment and/or the energy/chemistry that can be generated through thought. Btw, with hormonal chemistry, it's important to keep in mind that what falls within 'normal' range for others may not be our normal under the circumstances.

While I've been married to the same guy for 23 years, it's only been in the last year or so that we've explored the different types of energy that can be felt through intimacy. If we've got a committed partner, I think it's about helping each other gain a sense of what works and what doesn't. In the process we can gain a better sense of who and what we're most attracted to or excited by. 

[Isme1234]

Hello the rising.

wow that is really insightful.almost like you have been rummaging around inside my mind.

These are really the questions that have given me sleepless nights.

have I done the right thing?

i think yes I have I love her very much 

but there will always be that missing element I cannot give her.

I struggle with this but I don’t think there is anything I can do about it.

sorry if this seems a bit hit and miss.

 I’m not the best at articulating my thoughts into words lol.

the funny thing is.

in a way I am comfortable with who I am 

and have had butterfly’s for 1 guy

who had a bit of a feminine nature.

i think mostly this is more about understanding myself so that I can find the right path to make my marriage work.

does this even make sense???

by the way 

thank you for your advice 

you are an amazing person 

[Isme1234]

Hello sbella02

thank you for the advice.

normally you would hear me say I hate the idea of being put in a pigeon hole and labeled.

but in this case it sort of helps me understand me a little better.

I would definitely say gay/hetro romantic fits me well.

now I have to figure out my way forward.

thank you for your help 

I am so grateful all of these wonderful volunteers are here