Advice Or Opinions Please - Should I Tell My Wife I'm Exploring Bi/Gay Contact.

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Hi,

I am a 46 year old man.

I'm happily married to my wife, we've been together for 21years. She's the mother of our 3 adult kids, she's my best friend, she's my rock and she really is the love of my life.

I still find my wife very attractive and I love her deeply. We don't have sex very often, barely once every couple of months, I'm just not interested, I think because I have "performance issues" sometimes.

For around the last 15 years, at times, I have desired and fantasized about being intimate with another man. My wife doesn't know this, I don't think she'd take it well.

I have only recently decided to explore these urges in a safe, discrete way. I've had one encounter with a man, we didn't do everything I'd like to try, but we both enjoyed it, even though my "performance issues" made an appearance.

I've decided to search for a partnered gay man or couple to explore with safely, on a regular basis, although I'm still not 100% sure if I'm really into other men sexually, or if it is just curiosity and fantasy, and that once I've done it I won't want to do it again.

I feel guilty doing this behind my wifes back, but male intimacy is something that she obviously can't provide and I feel it's something I need to explore, for me.

I don't know if I should talk about this with her. I don't plan on starting a relationship, just to explore "getting off" with another man.

I don't want to lose everything we've built together, or the plans for our future.

Is it wrong for me to not tell her, keep it a secret and once I've "scratched the itch", go on as if nothing has happened?

[marcus_c]

Hi Curious Kiwozzie,

There are a lot of men in your position. As an out gay man on the other side of the equation, I often talk to them online on dating apps.

I guess I'm lucky in that my orientation was pretty obvious to me from a fairly young age. It must be tough to realise that you might be bi once you're already many years down the track and married with a family.

Here's the issue I see: when you got married, I'm guessing you took vows to be faithful and monogamous. If so, then having sex with anyone outside your marriage, regardless of gender, is cheating on your wife. I think you know this, which is why you're feeling guilty about it.

It's a really tough spot to be in. A lot of guys are in situations like this, where they have casual encounters with men on the side and don't tell their wives. Do you think you could be that guy?

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Hi Marcus_c

Thanks for your thoughts.

You make a good point and you're right, cheating is cheating, regardless of who it is with.

I guess I'm trying to justify it by thinking that it's curiosity and purely physical, just like using a sex toy, except it's a real man.

The contact I desire is something that my wife obviously can't give me.

Your final question, "Do you think you could be that guy?", has actually made me stop and think.

So thank you

[Quercus]

Hi Kiwozzie and welcome,

I'm going to be blunt. I felt really sad reading your posts because... You've already cheated on your wife without even giving her the chance to be open minded.

I think the fact that you have chosen to act and then keep it a secret from your wife shows that being with another man means more to you than just an experiment. You've already chosen to move from a difficult discussion where she probably will feel hurt and angry... To a difficult discussion where she is going to learn you have cheated and lied and not respected her enough to talk about it first.

You know your wife. I don't. For me if my husband came to me first I would consider our options. I wouldn't like it. But I would consider it if it was what he needed and see of we could come up with something to make our marriage work. And if I couldn't then we move on amicably. But once there is distrust... I'm gone and being amicable is out.

What I'm saying is please consider what you are doing before you choose to lie.

You said you haven't gone very far. Ok so your wife is going to be furious. But isn't it better to sit her down now than to talk later once you've had sex with someone else and she's freaking out about STDs and whether you've come home to sleep with her after being with someone else? Our imaginations are the worst of all. If you give her nothing when she finds out it is not going to be a good situation for either of you because she will think the absolute worst.

I hope you don't feel judged by me. I don't think badly of you for wanting to experiment I think it is quite normal for a lot of people. I just feel sad because you have a wife you clearly love and the way you go about this situation is going to affect whether you have support or are isolated. And that is important.

Feel free to rip me a new one if you are offended. I am ok with that.

Nat

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Hi Quercus
Great comments, thanks.

I appreciate and prefer honesty.

I think it would be wrong if I wasn't judged to a certain degree. By putting this out there, I am setting myself up to be judged, I expect it and I accept it.

I'm certainly not offended by your comments, if I can't handle peoples opinions, then I shouldn't be on here, and it should be me that gets ripped into.

I was hoping for responses like, "It can't be cheating if it's just sexual and not emotional with another man", or, "What your wife doesn't know, won't hurt her", which I know is all wrong.

My wife is an amazing woman and I owe her the respect and decency to be up front and honest at the very least.

I love her too much to pursue these desires without talking with her, but I just don't know if I can yet. So I don't think I should act on them anymore at this stage.

[Quercus]

Hi Kiwozzie,

I have got a lot of respect for what you just wrote.

First off to flat out admit you wanted people to help you justify doing what you already knew was wrong. That takes guts.

Then to admit you're not ready to talk to her. That's ok. You're talking about a pretty massive discussion. One that can potentially end your marriage and even friendship. So yeah I do understand your reluctance.

But to decide for yourself that what you're doing isn't ok by YOUR own standards. That's hard to do.

So yeah. Respect. That's about all this reply was about.

I don't feel good about your initial post. I felt a bit yuck about how you wrote you love your wife but weren't showing her love or respect with your actions.

If it helps at all from my POV I think it is easier as a woman to accept the idea of my husband needing something I am unable to give than it would be if he wanted another woman.

I don't know how your wife will react. But I really do hope you can find a way to maintain a relationship or even a friendship.

Thanks for accepting my words so gracefully.

Nat

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Hi Quercus,

For what it's worth, I always knew it was wrong. I just got caught up in my own selfish fantasy.

Your responces have helped bring me back to my sences.

Thank you

[geoff]

Hello Curious Kiwozzie, I am not here to criticise you in any way, it's just an opinion but basically, I agree with Nat.

If you have any relationship either with another man or even a female ( no discrimination ) behind your wife's back then you are cheating, you've broken the trust.

A sex toy isn't the same as a real man, because there are emotions, getting involved in their personal details, so when this person does need emotional help they are most likely going to contact you and at that stage you might be doing something with your wife, so who are you going to chose, stay with your wife or go to this chap asking for help.

Again please don't take any of this personally, it's just a reply and if I have upset you then I'm sorry.

Geoff.

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for being honest, I appreciate it.

I've tried to justify it, but I have quickly realised what I already knew - This is so wrong in so many ways.

I actually feel like an a$$hole about it now, as I rightfully should.

I haven't taken it personally and thanks.

[Curious_Kiwozzie]

Just an update on where I'm at.

First a massive THANK YOU to -

marcus_c

Quercus and

geoff

You 3 really did guide me back to the land of decency.

I have deleted and closed the apps I was chatting to other men on.

I have shut off all contact with guys I was looking at meeting.

I knew I was being an idiot, I know men that cheat and I think they are scum for doing it.

I love my wife too much to do anything to hurt her.

It's just not worth it.

I can't undo my one encounter that I did have, I wish I could. I've decided not to tell her about that one, call me a gutless coward if you like, but I made a huge mistake, I know she'd be really hurt, and I'll be honest, I'm scared if I did tell her, I'd be out the door.

So thanks once again for your honesty, it's exactly what I needed.

All the best