Y don't I want to be better

[Lotus_85]

So, I have these moments where I think I should join the gym, eat better, see a therapist, be a more interactive mum. All these things that would better me. I never do any of it, I talk myself out of it. I say I'm too lazy, I can't be bothered, what's the point. Nah stuff it. 

But the fleeting moments of wanting ro be better come and go. Not really sure why I never actually do anything. Sometimes I blame hubby but I think that's an excuse. For instance I mentioned I was thinking about gym and he said we could go together but when I said I was thinking of b4 work wen he is already gone, he got all disappointed. So now I cant do that. Is it just my next excuse or do I really allow someone's reactions to have so much power over me that I don't want to do anything to rock the boat or make ppl upset with me. 

Whenever someone disagrees with me or he expresses disappointment in something I do or want, I feel like a child trying to gain approval from ppl. Did I never grow up or am I just so immature that I live my life for the childish feeling.

No idea. But no doubt I will move on from my fleeting thought of being better, and just be, soon enough. I always do.

[Lotus_85]

I kind of feel like a shadow of a person most of the time, and then I get those inclings of wanting more. Until I push it down and make excuses as to y I should just accept I am what I am and life is wat it is. Does that make sense?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Lotus_85, 

We are so glad that you've taken the step in sharing here. It sounds like you’re managing many different feelings and emotions right now which must be very overwhelming. It also can be difficult when we put pressure on ourselves and have expectations of what we are supposed to be doing when we might be struggling. We hope you find some comfort in sharing here, and in hearing from the lovely community members, many of whom will be able to relate to what you’re going through right now.  

It can be really good to reflect on why we might be feeling how we’re feeling. Maybe having a look at other’s experiences of self-criticism and negative thinking might be useful. There’s an article on that topic on the Beyond Blue site, here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/not-alone/managing-depression

It can be helpful to talk your feelings and feel less alone, you've made a great first step sharing here. Remember you can always call our support line to talk this through, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat 24/7: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support 

Thank you for sharing this and giving this community a chance to offer you their understanding and advice.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[Lotus_85]

I just want ppl to let me be.  I don't want ppl to care what I'm doing. Coz if noone cares and I am left alone to do wat I feel like, then maybe I could do it. But instead I'm judged or made to feel like a disappointment. I have to explain myself and y am I considering wat I'm considering. And in that explaining and the reactions I receive... I no longer either want to do it or think it's worth it.

[HappySheep]

Hi Lotus 85,

You say you want to 'be better' but can't find the motivation.  What does 'be better' mean? Is going to the gym something YOU want to do, or is it something that you think you should do to be better?  It's not always easy to find motivation to do even things we really want to do, but is much harder if they're not things we want to do but are things we think we should be doing.

The motivation can come from the 'why' you want to do something.  If you really do want to go to the gym, ask yourself 'why' - is it because you want to get fit? get muscles? enjoy exercise? etc. Once you can dig down to the outcome you want - your goal - it may give you the motivation that you need or you may discover another way to reach the goal that will work better for you.  If I can stick with the gym analogy - if you decide your end goal is to become fit but you can't work up the enthusiasm to go to the gym, you may decide to take up jogging or join a basketball team instead.

If you can find your own goal it may also help strengthen you against other people's reactions. Find one thing that you really want to aim towards and break it down into small steps that you can accomplish.