Wife with bpd wants to separate, I'm heartbroken and need help

[BG89]

I am currently in the process of being separated from my bpd wife but I'm still deeply in love with her and this process is leaving me completely heartbroken. She is my best friend and the only person iv ever loved and while she has hinted at this before we have never broken up but now she has sead we are and I'm having trouble accepting it.

We have been together nearly 6 years married for nearly 4, have 3 kids and in the last 6 months she and the kids moved to new Zealand to what we planned was to start a new life, while I was stuck in Australia during covid to finish up my work then rejoin them. Over that 6 months she has become a completely different person made all these plans and decions without telling me or talking to me about it then when I finally got to our new home last week she told me we are separated and wants a divorce. Im absolutely shattered I'm crying all the time csnt eat mutch or sleep mutch and I'm loosing all drive to do anything, also to make it worse she is being up and down about how I'm coping which depending on her mood she is eaither understanding or extremely angry about it.

Some of her reasons seem to change daily but the main ones are she has discovered over the last 6 months she would prefer to be alone as being married is adding to mutch stress for her to deal with and is she can't love me like I deserve and I should find someone else and be happy, I told her I don't want anyone else I want her, iv all ways worked hard to be there for her with the roller coaster ride of bpd and iv never judged or held it agents her even thow its cost me job progression due calling in sick alot to help her or leaving work early to help her, friends and some family Iv been trying to talk about it with her a few times and she doesn't want to work it out or keeps telling me I'm forcing her to stay with me when I ask how do you think the kids will handle all of this.

[FernandoM]

I'm very sorry that this situation happened in your life. I went through it myself not too long ago. After 15 years of marriage, we stopped understanding each other. I read a lot about it, for example here https://calmerry.com/ I found an article on how to recognize that my wife doesn't love me anymore. I tried to do everything I could to save the marriage, but unfortunately we divorced because I took action too late.

[FernandoM]

I'm very sorry that this situation happened in your life. I went through it myself not too long ago. After 15 years of marriage, we stopped understanding each other. I read a lot about it, I found an article on how to recognize that my wife doesn't love me anymore. I tried to do everything I could to save the marriage, but unfortunately we divorced because I took action too late.

[SittingThinking]

Oh my goodness. BG85. Please tell me you still visit these forums.

I got goosebumps reading your post as the situation that I am currently going through is virtually identical to yours.

Wife of 6 years, 3 children with what I believe to be undiagnosed BPD. Has decided she has had enough and completely cut ties with me.

Like you I am so, so confused. Back and forth she gives me hope one day and then crushes me the next.

She also is communicating with another man that lives overseas, who she tells me is giving her “everything I can’t”.

It is heart wrenching. And for me, just like you, if she came to me tomorrow apologetic I would absolutely take her back in a heartbeat because I care for her so deeply.

As others have helpfully replied, I am trying my hardest to come to terms with the fact she no longer wants me. But I can’t help but constantly give myself false hope that she will find her love for me again.

I confronted her today about where she stood and she told me she intends on leaving with the children to the United States to be with this other man. Heartbreaking stuff.

She is saying that my lazy attitude is what has prompted her to take action against her own loneliness.

I feel truly lost and if you are still around, I would love to know if you have any wisdom to impart upon me as this situation is equally paralyzing and confusion beyond reasonable measure.

[Guest_7403]

I think you need to step back and acknowledge this is just online fling that will never eventuate in the real world.

She also doesn't legally have the right to take the children and move them overseas.

Suggest you look into legal counsel so you know your rights regarding the children and relocation.