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wife's affair makes her happy and me miserable

NormpyB
Community Member

I been happily married for 16 years and 3 weeks ago found out about my wifes few month long sexual affair. Yes, I had probably ignored her needs for years. Yes, I was too tied up in our business. Guilty as charged, I contributed to this too. The trigger, I believe was our youngest child being diagnosed wiyh type 1 diabetes 8 weeks ago. It all became too much and when the opportunity to be free presented, she took it.

As we worked through the emotion, I went from feeling gutted to hopeless to madly in love and even slightly aroused. Over the next few days I asked so many questions and had the deepest conversations ever. She claimed to have broken it up and I believe her. But then as she answered my questions about him, I could see her face light up and she would glow. She had ended it on paper but she was just as attached as ever.

In the haze of the next few days, I made a big mistake and told her I could handle it if she continued her affair. She did.

Some days I'm ok and others I'm shattered. Mostly I'm shattered. But in terms of our relationship, it is like a second honeymoon. She is mych happier. We talk more. The sex is great. Inwardly though I'm broken and don't know what to do.

12 Replies 12

pipsy
Community Member

Hi NormpyB. Welcome to the forums. Reading through your post, my first thought was, even though you claim basically everything in the garden is now 'rosey', I'm wondering are you trying to convince you or her? I would be thinking, how would your wife react if you were the one who'd had the affair? I sort of get the feeling you'd like to tell her you're anything but okay with what's happened, but you're not sure how to without a major argument. If everything is alright as you say, why is she continuing to see this other person? I assume he knows she's married? I think maybe you should tell her 'no' you're not happy with the arrangement and give her a choice, him or you. I honestly don't know whether she will end the relationship with him, if she does though, how long before she repeats the process and strays again. It's really your call to continue or finish the marriage, depending on whether or not you are happy with the present situation. If it was me, the answer would be, me or her. However, I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is, be honest with her about how you feel. If you believe trust is gone, then you have to tell her this, as I said, once trust is gone, sometimes it's gone for good.

Lynda.

NormpyB
Community Member

Hi Pipsy

Thats the strange thing. I absolutely know that if I tell her that it is him or ne that she will dump him. I'm not so sure that she will dump him for me or because she doesn't want to loose a financially stable relationship or because she needs my help with our sick child. Either way I absolutely know she would come back; we have discussed it at length.

But if I think through the stress that our business and now our sick child have brought into our lives, I feel awful denying her something that makes her so happy and all because I can't cope with it. She tells me that when she is with him that she isn't a carer or a wife. She is just she and that she feels like she can breathe again. I can see that the energy that she gains is brought back into our relationship and that's great.

If it weren't for the affair, we would have lived a mediocre marriage for the rest of our lives. This has woken me up from what was probably long term depression.

She is also encouraging me to get out and have some fun and I have to admit that to be given a free pass is appealing. We are both afraid that if I do, then I may meet someone special and leave.

I know this sounds crazy but if I could work through this, we would have the best relationship ever. Surely if I loved her enough and was secure enough I could let her do this for a while?

By the way, I'm feeling strong right now my post would look very different when the roller-coaster dips again.

It's only been a few weeks now. Do I sound crazy?

pipsy
Community Member

Hi NormpyB. What you're trying not to put into words, from where I'm sitting, suggests almost wife-swapping/open marriage. I understand in some marriages, it has been known to work, providing everyone concerned has the same agreement. If you feel you could live in this situation without recrimination, that is your choice entirely. The problem being what if one of you decides to leave for another partner. I knew someone years ago who lived like this for most of their married life, successfully. As I said, though, for it to work successfully, everyone concerned has to be in total agreement. If you decide to 'date' another woman, she would have to understand it's not a long term relationship, same for your wife. The there's the problem of third person becoming emotionally attached to you or your wife and demanding you make a decision you don't want to. I think you and your wife should really talk it through, make some rules (if you like, concerning third party involvement) make some sort of agreement. The final choice is up to you and your wife.

Lynda.

NormpyB
Community Member

Find a man without fantasies and I'll find you a liar. But fantasies are so appealing because they are fantastical and it is best they are left that way.

All I want is to have my wife back and for her to be happy even if it secretly makes me miserable .

She's away for a few days and I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face.

I'll do it for a while and see. What choice do I have. I love the manipulating woman so much.

I understand why she wants the affair but she says she loves me too. How can she do this to me if she loves me.

Only time will tell but right now I can only see hurt and pain with an inevitable split at the end.

Thankyou for just talking. There is nobody else I can tell.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi NormpyB. I agree wholeheartedly re: fantasies, that's all they are really, just fantasies. If you really want your wife to stop cheating, tell her straight. Ask her straight out if she loves you, if she does, then no more. You do have choices, your choices are you and her, or that's it. You love her, does she love you. If she loves you, then be prepared to make her understand you love her enough to forgive her, this time. I hear the pain in your voice. You don't want open/wife swap or anything else, you WANT her. Tell her. At the moment she has her cake and is enjoying it, at the expense of her marriage, loving husband, child everything. Why does she want the affair? What is she lacking, ask her what she wants from you? Maybe she likes the 'mistress' thought, play along with her on her fantasies. I would, if it was my hubby. Be prepared to fight for her. I don't mean physical fighting, I mean love her like you did when you first got together. Don't hold back, be what she wants you to be. Bf, lover, hubby, best friend, everything.

Lynda. .

NormpyB
Community Member

I know that you are right but she keeps telling me that she feels like she is drowning when she thinks of breaking it off.

I don't want to see her massively depressed as she is so happy at the moment but at the same time I realise that it can't last .

I am also concerned that she is manipulating me with the threat of depression. I have a lot to figure out.

Bottom line is I need to identify and fill the void that she feels. Wish I had a crystal ball.

By the way, I don't want you worrying that I'm going to do anything silly to myself or her. Way to synical to believe that would solve anything.

Thanks again for the chat. I do appreciate it.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi NB. I hate to have to put it into words but at the moment you're playing into her hands. She is using every trick to justify why she should be allowed to continue. Her threat of depression is just that - a threat. If she is prone to depression, why does she get depressed. Help is available for depression, she can get help either counsellor, psychologist, therapist, whatever. She also has the option of short term AD's. I'm sure you would also help her if she does suffer depression. If she is concerned about your child who has diabetes, is it being managed? I am type 2 diabetes, diet controlled. If you are willing to try to make the marriage work and she isn't. Sorry but there's your answer. Either she wants what you want, or she doesn't. As I previously suggested ask her what she wants, if she wants to continue, tell her emphatically 'NO'. I know it hurts and you're scared, but at this stage, what have you got to lose. If she threatens to leave, you haven't lost what you really never had. Just let her know, either it's the marriage or she has her freedom, permanently.

I do feel it for you, but you've let it go too long and it hurts. You admitted your fault, it's time she admitted her part in the marriage problems. I'm not blaming you or her, nor am I judging. I sincerely hope things work out for both of you.

Best wishes to you both. Fingers crossed.

Lynda.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Norm, firstly it seems that you are wanting to find someone for yourself, so you want to have an open marriage and when this happens it's not true love, but someone to live with, there can be never be any trust, so how can you both build a relationship, consider having children, because if you do and when she is pregnant you will be out having the time of your life.
If you want her back hoping she will be happy, having it off with another person or persons, but you are feeling miserable, I don't call this a decent relationship and this will cause a lot of sadness eventually for you.
People can get help for depression, but I'm not sure that help will ever work for a spouse/partner who wants to sex with someone else, because it's a recurring situation.
Sure everyone has a look at someone they admire because their looks turn you on, but in a marriage there has to be trust, otherwise why get married in the first place.
Sorry mate but I'm being honest here and you have been dealt with a losing hand, and by her saying she loves you, well that's just a term we use for many situations, and if she did love you then all of this wouldn't be happening.
You have to remember this is not any fairytail, and this chap is probably married with children so if his wife finds out then their marriage is over, and when this does happen the excitement for your wife will end, until she finds another person.
I normally don't make comments like this, but I think that you should wake up and end this marriage. Geoff.

NormpyB
Community Member

So I told her it is him or me. She said me but then continued to tell me that a part of her had died and that was the part that I liked the most.

We will see but I'm not very hopeful. I seem to be the one who is appologising. Anyway she says she needs time to think which is fair enough. I've sent her flowers and it is now over to her.

Thanks again for the chats.