Wife of a very depressed man
This will be long but I do really need some support and advice.
My husband came home from doing 6 weeks away at work and told me he doesn’t love me. I was due to have our 4th planned baby the next week.
I was completely shocked! I knew he had been unhappy for about 6 months but he had been working months at a time with only a few days break. And I didn’t think it was me personally, just the lifestyle. To me this was so he could have time off when baby arrived with no money stress. I am a busy stay at home mum and didn’t really think about how this was affecting him or me. He told me he has been working so much to stay away from the home cause it’s unhappy. Is he saying that because he’s had to hide this depression and work has been the only place he can do that?
He can’t tell me why he doesn’t love me, nothing significant has happened. He has now seen a psychiatrist and been diagnosed with severe depression. I do not believe he doesn’t love me he just doesn’t know how to feel right now. We are now living as separated but it feels like he wants to be in our home. We are still doing things together and he came to the birth of our baby.
I don’t know how to handle it, I still love and care about him but every time I talk to him I feel like he thinks I’m trying to force our relationship. How do I handle him at this very sensitive time. He has also agreed to see a marriage/ relationship councillor or is this something his physiatrist will bring into his sessions?
I don’t really know what I’m asking, just hoping someone has suggestions on how to speak to him or what I can do to help.
Thanks for reading
I don’t know if this is relevant but I was washing the car and all of a sudden had this OMG moment. When I was about 9 I watched my dad suffer through depression for 5 years and he did commit suicide at the end of it. I don’t feel like it has affected me but it has my brother extremely.
Could my husband subconsciously or not be forcing me out of his life so he doesn’t put me and our kids through the same situation?
I know no body can answer that question, it’s just a thought and if anyone has an opinion on it I’d like to hear.
I have booked in with the same psychologist as him in a few weeks time and will definitely be mentioning it.
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad suffering from depression, and what the end result was. I can only imagine that it would have been such a sad time for your family.
As you said, I don't think anyone can answer your question other than your husband. We can only guess, unless he tells you himself.
In the moments when I tried to talk to my husband, I would ask him to look me in the eye. And he wouldn't. I always wondered whether it was because he knew deep down that I really truly loved him and cared about him, but that it would just be easier for him not to deal with it.
Even in those times when he would yell at me, I'd look in his eyes and I couldn't recognise him at all. As if he the words were not really his. And even in the angry moments, there are tears. And I can only guess again that those tears come from a place of hurt and that he didn't actually want me to leave, nor did he want to leave. But pushing me away probably was easier than having to deal with me.
Because I think sometimes that people look at someone, and think of all the reasons they should be happy, that they shouldn't be suffering depression. But they're not happy, for whatever reason that is. And I can only imagine the terrible burden that would put on someone, to feel that they have to be happy because everyone thinks they should be.
Anyway, they are just my thoughts.
I'm glad to hear that you will be speaking to a psychologist. I hope that all goes well and that you are doing OK.