Which direction?

[alltoomuch]

I am a wife and mother to 2. I have had depression since my teenage years but only formally diagnosed when I was about 20. After having my first child at 26 I suffered severe PND and I have been medicated since then. I had a major breakdown in 2015 and anxiety was added to the depression. More medication, psychologists, psychiatrist appointments and things slowly settled. However last year my brother died, then an aunt, an uncle, another uncle and my husbands aunt all within 12 months. We also had to have our dog put down. It's been 18 months now since my brother died but I still find I'm not coping and feel as though I haven't grieved the other deaths. Admittedly some were easier to cope with than others but I just can't deal with anymore loss! In an effort to live life to the fullest we are travelling for 12 months next year. My main concern at the moment however is I don't know if I even want to stay married to my husband. I want to do this trip and it has been our dream for years. I'm hoping it will help get things back on track and give us a chance to focus on our family and each other. My husband shows no affection toward me at all. We haven't had sex since February. He says it isn't me but I feel so alone and unloved. I don't want to think about separating or divorce but I don't know if I can continue to live like this. I am unhappy and I have no-one to talk to about this kind of stuff.

[BballJ]

Hi alltoomuch,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I am sorry to read about the loss your an endured over that period, that is a lot to take in especially with that many family members passing away especially a sibling. Not being able to properly grieve each one for what they were is very difficult and I can understand how it would be tough given the amount you had to take in. I understand also how much mental health has played a role in your life so far and to say you have been through a lot would be an understatement. I like that you are travelling for 12 months next year, that is great and seems like much need time away to unwind but in the end of the day you still need to face up that you haven't properly grieved your brother passing and also address the issues in your marriage. May I ask, have you ever spoken to a psychologist or even just your GP about how you are feeling. There seems to be so much you want to talk about and these forums are great for that but also having the help of a trained professional can go a long way as well. Regarding the issues in the marriage, is there a chance for both of you to go and see a marriage counsellor as well?

Please remember you can contact the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 24/7 to discuss anything you are going through.

Please, post back as much as you like, I am always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hello Alltoomuch, my deepest condolences for the loss of your family, especially for your brother and then your dog, it must have been a terrible period for you to experience with so many lost memories, and before to suffer from PND, an enormous amount of pain and I'm just so sorry.
This trip will be the make or break for your decision on whether or not you want to remain married to your husband, so is there a possibility that he will say that he doesn't want to go, and if so then this will help make your decision.
If you both go o/s then you may want to do things that interest you, while he will go and do something else, so all these different circumstances are going to make your decision rather easy.
If however he wants to rectify his ways he will join you where ever you go, and I think that's what you are hoping for, to rebuild a r/ship that hasn't been what you wished for.
If you feel as though his mood has dramatically changed over the last few months, then do you believe that he could be suffering from depression, and if so then I suggest you try and convince him to see his doctor, ask him if he wants you to go with him. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Alltoomuch,

I too welcome you to the forum. I see that a couple of the guys have responded already. Depression and grief can be a hard combination to deal with. Sending you condolences as well.

MY G.P. sent me to a counsellor who deals in grieving, not sure if you are able to find such a person in your region. I also borrowed books on grieving from the library and found some very helpful information on the internet on the process of grieving.

One thing that helped me immensely was to write out my grief, to cry over it when I needed to and to realise my feelings of grief are normal.

Regarding your husband, it can be really tough when they turn off their emotions and sexual connections for some reason and don't explain what is going on in their heads.

Hopefully you will both be able to work on your relationship now, before you venture off on your travels.

Wishing you well on your journey of life.

Cheers from Dools