When life moves faster than we are used to, how do we slow it down?

SubduedBlues · ‎30-10-2016

Funny that I can talk openly about Tourette's, anxiety and my previous marital breakdown, but when it comes to being intimate with someone, I just cannot find the words that don't come across as distasteful.

I have never been the successful bachelor, or the mister right now. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen to guys like me. I am the dork, the geek, the pear shaped cast-aside. I am the one that everyone passes and no one sees; when I stand in a crowd, the crowd stands out. But yesterday impossible happened... I awoke next to someone who I have just met. Even though I felt extremely uncomfortable at the time, I couldn't bring myself sneak out and leave her to feel disrespected; so I stayed. This morning I learnt that she is a really nice person; someone worth spending time with. On departure, she gave me her phone number and asked me to call her. I have no idea what she sees in me, as I am definitely not the catch of the day.

I don't want a purely physical relationship; I want one that is built on the good solid foundation of friendship. I am afraid if I call that she'll want to just be physical again. And I am afraid if I don't, I will miss out on a second chance to live again. How do I put the brakes on the physical stuff to see if a friendship can occur first?

Any suggestions on what to do now would be appreciated.

SB

SubduedBlues · ‎05-11-2016

Well I telephoned her, and it seems as though she is more interested in a physical FWB than any form of a relationship.

Being a country-boy and raised on old family values, I am not sure how I feel about that. Also there is an age variance between us. Where many people may say that age shouldn't matter, I always thought that applied to people who are in a committed loving relationship. And this, well, it's something altogether different.

Turns out that she is a lot younger than I am, and maybe she has a thing for older men, but I don't know, if in good conscience, I should even consider her offer. This FWB concept is just too foreign to me.

Feeling lost and confused

SB

Doolhof · ‎07-11-2016

Hi SB,

You are going to have to explain to me what FWB means as I have no idea. I have been trying to think of word combinations, but nothing is really coming to me that would fit.

Whatever FWB stands for, it does sound like it doesn't fit well with your way of looking at relationships, and good on you for considering your values and beliefs.

It does sound like this female is rather up front with what she wants. If you were in a relationship then I guess her forwardness would not be such a bother.

Once you or someone else explains FWB to me, I will better understand your situation.

Cheers for now from an ancient Mrs. Dools who has not dated in about 30 years!

SubduedBlues · ‎08-11-2016

FWB is a modern acronym for Friends With Benefits; which is intended to mean that your friendship includes the physical activities associated with BF/GF, but none of the emotional connections.

Apollo_Black · ‎09-11-2016

Well you've still got it haven't you? Well done old bean. So where did you leave the conversation?

I can appreciate your values but I'd be thinking "did I have fun?" If the answer is "yes" then I'd be saying, "well why not".

PROS: - it's fun, it's good exercise, it's good for your brain, keeps you in practice, boosts your testosterone and might make you live longer (I can't back this up)

CONS: - can play with your mind if you're worried about other men & STI's

I dunno, maybe it's good to just let yourself go every once in a while. Maybe it's her standard line and you're the guy for her. Maybe it's a stepping stone for you getting ready for the relationship you want with somone else that's waiting just around the corner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you like her, you getting along and it's fun (and you take precautions) then there's no real harm. She's told you at least what she's after....

Doolhof · ‎10-11-2016

Oh! Okay. Thanks for the explanation of what FWB means. I had no idea.

The thing is how does that work? For some people it obviously does. For me, I would have to unplug my mind and heart first!

Sounds a bit like the old one night stand but with the idea that you continue on if you both desire to.

Guess it all depends on what kind of a relationship you are looking for. Certainly is a bit more personal and cheaper than purchasing professional services.

I'm sure some lasting relationships have happen despite people's well intentioned plans!

All the best with this.

From Mrs. Dools

SubduedBlues · ‎11-11-2016

Unplugging the mind and heart, I can relate to that. I guess that was my biggest concern. I guess I don't know what time of relationship I should be looking for. It's not the same now that I am on the better side of 50. It's not about raising a family; it's about companionship and having that someone you can spend meaningful time with.

Since my previous post, we've been SMS'ing. I get the feeling she's in that try-before-you-buy frame of mind.
It's not that she's looking for other men, rather it's what if she meets another someone and is in a committed relationship... she might miss out. Doesn't want to be a cheater like her father. And allegedly she's plays both sides, but I don't know if that was a serious comment, or just a throw-away line to provide support for the FWB argument.

Next time I see her, I'll be leaving the emotive stuff at home. If something happens, big if, at least then I might be able to determine if I even want to be there.

Mrs D. Insofar as the professional services, I have no idea what that even costs; thus I am unable to take that aspect into consideration. I suspect you are right about the personal level, as I doubt that hookers get personally involved with their clients.

Apollo, I always play safe as I definitely don't want any VD (venereal disease)

My advice to me: One step at a time, but tread very cautiously.
SB

Apollo_Black · ‎11-11-2016

Most importantly, have fun and let her enjoy you being you