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When do I say no more!

Try_to_help_to_much
Community Member

Hello everyone

after reading a lot of things I do wish I had looked into B.B. a lot sooner.

breif:

with my partner 3 yrs today.

started as an affair. He has 3 biological children, n a step daughter he raised from a new born.

X- Wife was bipolar n suacidal for 15+ yrs.

they where married 22 yrs.

Me 2 children, X husband has OCD n Autisum. Married 11 yrs.

We moved intogether August 2016

My son 11 (autistic) daughter 9 and his oldest son 22 (drugs n scuacidal) n youngest daughter.16 (Very depressed, eating disorders)

my family - thanks to my understanding x , moved from Vic to Qld.

Seemed ok as long as I spent money on them. I treated them like family. If sick etc I was the one that cared for them.

Mum remarried - they had a on n off realationship with her.

Over time money got tight. Cracks started to apeare.

Today I’m leaving.

But partner does not want me to go!

This year the cracks that appeared are huge and getting bigger by the day.

We have been getting counciling and I felt things where going amazing.

But the past 15 days I have learnt some shocking home truths.

My partner is a pathological Lier.

I don’t know where to start.

Apaerntly he’s kids have never liked me and anytimethey spoke to there dad via text or ph they where basically putting me down with abuseive in aceptable words.

He did nothing about it. So as you could imagine the fire in theses children has now turned into a inferno.

They are telling him choose her or us.

We have been deciding to move for a while, into a cheaper smaller house. Adult children where to move out. And start to set up there lives.

But that inferno was burning - I had no idea.

no I lie - I New they did not respect me or our home. They have been msging him day her or use for months.

He has been replying to them give me time yep she will go, all good!

so he came up with a plan,says let’s move to vic

He was to stay here until end of Jan for work n help his mum.

Me n my kids set up our house in Vic.

i have just found out why!

He is choosing his kids. As most would.

But then he’s going to say to me the opposite that they are not talking to him n hate him so he’s happy to go.

Him n I will be in our normal realationship but long distant for a few eeeks.

to his kids we are finished.

then he planned to say I miss her I’m going down there to see if it’s changed!!

WOW

I have know he’s a lier , he’s done this before with our affair!Im wanting to go n drop all ties with him.

I hate his plan how could u lie to us like this

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi try, welcome

I'm sad you are going through this period of upheaval. It isn't easy.

With all of your family health issues plus the "Brady bunch" type family situation it requires a very strong relationship to work. If it isn't 100% dedicated and supportive, its likely to fail.

You partner started off with you through an affair. You knew then that he was who he was, that he is capable of being less than 100% truthful. You were in agreeance to this also. therefore it isn't helpful to, years later, throw that at him. Nor is it realistic to label him a liar when it is not helpful to go that far. He is in a terrible situation...pressure from his kids when he is clearly loving you isn't a great place to be in (I've been there to) and making such a choice is unfair from them.

Getting all this in best perspective isn't easy. I recommend strongly that if he agrees, to seek counseling and talk to a professional.

I hope you are ok.

Tony WK

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear TTHTM~

It's a horrible thing to find your partner has this whole other life with kids that are against you. now you've known about it for a couple of weeks.

I guess I'd have to be like Tony and see that while his actions are not right they are understandable. He is obviously in the situation with you and your kids on one side and his on the other. It would be nice to think your partner would just magically get his kids in order somehow when they go against you. But is it realistic? One suicidal, the other depressed.

Under those circumstances telling them a blunt truth - that he might want to be with you - probably takes more courage than many would have.

So it's not really surprising he makes up tales and tries to placate them. You say he does have a plan for rejoining you after a few weeks.

So what do your think? I know you said if you paid they seemed to accept you (well, at least to your face) and the name you have chosen here "Try to help to much" seems to say you think things are very one-sided. Do you think your partner is with you because he wants to and there is love, or do you think it is a cynical mercenary thing?

At the moment you are angry and hurt - with justification. What would you like to happen?

Croix