What should I do, please help

[Hun]

So I am the same person that said about my partner won't divorce his ex, when I met my partner I knew he still have kids living at home, they are adult, one he moved out now we have his daughter she is 22 and her boyfriend 25 living with us, he have a strong connection with this daughter which is nice, every time I buy anything or move stuff she question that even if I want to buy anything I have to buy something she approve of it, don't get me wrong she is nice and I like her but we all have to pleased her even her boyfriend. They never wash do anything around the house unless they have been asked, they live downstairs they clean it but if the bring a dish they leave it in the sink. My question is should I ask my partner in one year or 2 can we down size so hopefully they move out, I want my own place to do whatever I want, I am tired of watching my steps or move just in case she doesn't like it. Please any advice will be helpful.

[Hun]

Hi

I Was thinking about it today, I am hesitant to ask him as you said it might be a deal breaker not for him but for me, I don't want to loose him but at the same time I don't want to live in the shadow of his ex. My mind going everywhere I don't know what to do. I am trying so hard with his daughter believe me and I do like her and treat her like my own kid but again everything we do it is all about her, we watch movie she likes, when we eat out it have to be what she likes, christmas decoration she did it I didn't have any say in anything, whatever we buy, he said oh she might not like the color even when we sit have dinner or we go out he keep looking at her hardly looking at me and one day I said why you keep looking at her his reply was can't I look at my own daughter.

[Hun]

Ok everyone I did talk to him, it went OK I didn't say everything, I just said about down size in few years and he was thinking the same, I think I will try to be more involved with his daughter and hope for the best and if I still not happy and it doesn't feel right I guess I will pack my bag and leave

[Juliet_84]

Hi hun,

That must be very tough. It sounds as though you are being incredibly understanding and are trying but are not being made to feel secure in the situation at all. Regarding his daughter, she sounds quite self-absorbed, which isn’t particularly surprising at this age. But maybe you can gently say to her “you’ve picked the last 5 movies, how about we go see one that I want this time” to get your point across and make her aware. That being said, if your partner was being loving and paying you enough attention and making you feel secure, then I don’t think it would bother you as much. It is good that he agreed about the downsizing though.
As an aside, I am quite surprised that you are paying rent - fair enough contributing to household expenses etc as you are living there but paying rent feels like you are being treated like a flatmate. At the end of the day you will know how you feel in the relationship and make a decision based off that. He may always treat his “family” first and you a distant second and that may not be enough for you. And that’s ok, I think I would feel the same as it creates an unnecessary divide when you are trying to merge lives together and hardly seems like a team.

[geoff]

Hello Hun, 'if it is her house' then you don't know whether she will want to sell it or redecorate it before it's sold.

You need to remember if you plan to have your partner for a long time, then you should be able to talk freely with each other, otherwise much later on there will be something you need to speak to him about, but if this hasn't happened before it's going to be more difficult.

You can't marry him with his daughter and b/friend in tow, because how can you decide anything, if he has to check with his daughter first, and eventually she may have children, then who is going to do most of the work.

I appreciate he wants to look after his daughter, but there may come a time when she wants to change, but your partner doesn't.

Best wishes.

Geoff.