Walking on egg shells

[Louise_b_22]

I am 33 yrs old married with three beautiful kids. I cant seem to do anything right for the past few months. I feel like im constantly walking egg shells in fear of upsetting my husband. I feel like anything i say or do is completely wrong. He constantly keeps an eye on my social media to see who i am talking/interacting with to the point that i have now deleted all social media and distanced myself from all my friends. I feel very worthless at the moment and like a complete failure to the point where i just dont know what to do anymore. Any advice how to deal or approach this would be wonderful. Not wanting to leave, just want my husband back.

[smallwolf]

Hi Louise,

Welcome to beyond blue.

It must be really frustrating not knowing how something you say or do might be interpreted by your husband. It is a shame there appears to be trust issues regarding who you see or speak to.

And sometime my wife and kids were similar around me (walking on eggshells) as I was constantly grumpy, irritable etc. But that was a result of the medication I was on among other things.

Since you asked advice I have the following suggestions...

My first suggestion would be to talk to your husband in a space where you cannot be interrupted and talk to him about the impact that his actions are having on you. The other thing to consider is when this all started? And what happened around that time? Were there any stresses/problem at work or in the family? And do you know why he might be concerned about who you speak to?

The next idea might be for you to talk to a counsellor or professional about the situation and get their advice on the matter. Sometimes, rather than convincing your partner to get help, it is "better" for you to show them it is OK to get help. Or you could do counselling together.

I hope you are able to get your relationship get back to where it was. Maybe if you come back and chat some more about the situation, other ideas might come forward as to what you can do?

Tim

[GoodWitch]

Hi Louise,

I'm concerned about you distancing yourself from your friends. You shouldn't have to do that because your husband seems to have an issue with trusting you and the feeling of isolation isn't going to help your mood or self image.

Has he always monitored your other relationships or is this really a brand new thing? If the latter it does seem like something must have happened to trigger it. Can you talk to him about why he is feeling insecure (because constantly needing to check who you're interacting with seems to indicate he is insecure about the relationship somehow, or that something has happened in his life that has made him feel out of control...so maybe doing this is one way he can feel in control).

I understand the feeling of walking on eggshells. My husband has gone through stages where he is very moody and depressed and it feels just like that, like nothing I say is the right thing. Is it possible your husband is experiencing some depression? Tim made a good suggestion about counselling. Perhaps if you start to see someone and it helps you deal with your feelings of worthlessness, he will be inspired to see someone himself. Or you could go together. If you are living on tenterhooks at home, you can't go on like that indefinitely. So I'd start by maybe seeking counselling yourself if you can.

At the very least you need to open a discussion with your husband about how you are feeling. Use 'I' statements, like 'I feel worthless and confused' not 'you make me feel bad', because that is confrontational and blaming. maybe try that first and see how it goes?

Wishing you the best

GW

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A very frustrating and sad situation for you.

Relationships when one party begins to - well sort of- take ownership of the other party is in my opinion terminal eventually. The reason is that we are caged, restricted in doing common normal things.

I am also not a medical professional however I have had contact with some people with mental illness that have had Borderline Personality disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality disorder. My mother has the former, I believe as no proper diagnosis was obtainable due to her stubbornness. In such situations you are banging your head on a brick wall.

In case he may have some issue in that regard try googling - waif witch queen hermit

What I'm suggesting is if he has some issue like that, best to sway him towards professional treatment where he can learn to back off and reflect.

I hope I've helped and planted the seed so you can be open to any possibility to the reason he has developed such an attitude.

By the way- well done in your approach to this problem.

TonyWK