Used Up

[Hope-Less]

I am struggling to accept my son does not respect  me.

He is in his early 20s not working, doing community service a couple times a week& treats me like I am dirt.
My only use to him to picking up after him and expected to provide a roof over his head and pay bills.

The topic of paying board is either laughed at or anger reflected back at me. He screams- who is expected to pay to live in their own home?

My responses are to point out I work and have a large mortgage and have bills to pay.  Now he has moved in his pregnant  teenage girlfriend and displays all the signs of psychological abuse…starting with going out and leaving her at home in their bedroom. Swearing and yelling at her. Going through her contacts in her phone, to check their are no males.

They leave rubbish around the house and clothes on the bathroom floor- expecting me to clean up.

After three divorces, I am diagnosed with complex PTSD, anxiety and severe depression.

My youth has faded along with my looks & loneliness  is real in my isolation.

I cannot see joy for very long, the idea of my first grandchild gave me joy, but faded quickly when I watch my son who thinks it is fine to sleep, eat and copulate. 
I try to remind myself I brought my daughter up to be a functional, successful member of society any parent would be proud of. The vast difference in personalities is unbelievable. 
I am worn out and hope has faded.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Hope-Less,

Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums.

We’d recommend reaching out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way. 

It sounds like it's really having a really painful impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.  

We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at:
•    Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse
•    It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here.

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Hope-Less]

My exhaustion is real, fighting my whole adult life to be safe & respected has been a battle that has worn me out.

Everyday thinking to myself I deserve respect and the right to be happy kept me going. Thinking I am demonstrating to my children that you don’t have to put up with less than you deserve. We all have rights.

Now I do not know.

I am thinking I am destined to an unhappy life of either neglect or abuse.

I am so bogged down with thoughts of a miserable future, being tossed aside when I am if no use to anyone.

I am already being told I may not get to see the baby, if I don’t…

Memories of husbands who told me I needed to learn to do as I was told, followed by, if you don’t…

awaiting my punishment.

The cycle continues.

The commonality being me.

My mother telling me: it is all your fault,

you are too soft & you spoilt your children.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry you are going through this, I can see how it must be frustrating. But you also have to remember your son is now an adult, and whilst you want to look after him and feel he is your responsibility, he legally is not anymore. It seems harsh, but you could validly kick him out and ask him to fend for himself. But I know it is hard to do this. You are a good parent, it is clear from what you have said. But children end up being their own person at the end of the day. You have no control over his actions. But you do have control over yours and how you handle this.

Have you spoken to him about this? Where is your son's father? Could he go live with him or the girlfriend's family? He needs a job, you need to stop buying things for him, it will force him to buy it himself - hence needing a job.

I am sorry, and i hope things improve,

jaz xx

[Hope-Less]

It is more heartbreaking than frustrating.

I have kicked him out a number of times.

it never worked because he has lived with paternal grandparents, as his father moved interstate.
They are ageing & dementia has affected their lives. His coming ang going was getting too much for them.

He was in a car accident resulting in major internal injuries from a car accident and returned home to heal, which took months.

He left again to his grandparents afterwards and later was arrested, spent 6 months in gaol and returned home for lockdown then left. Then Came home when he caught COVID19 for me to care for and keep his grandparents safe.

It feels like and endless struggle of dealing with drama.

I don’t buy him much, except food, as he recently started to receive Centrelink benefits since he turned 22 and no longer a financial dependent. So I am aware he is an adult.
My son is not interested in talking to me.

Sadly, I have to text to communicate.

His girlfriend’s family moved interstate and not around. 

If I am not working, I am retreating to my bedroom and watch TV in bed.
I recognise its depression.
Also I am aware when my hands shake it’s my anxiety.