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Unappreciated impacts

Community Member

She came home from a trip, and the next night told me she hadn't loved me for 2 years and was leaving that night. The kids are to stay with me. 3 days later she had a boyfriend. I week later she had our young children at his house. I said I did not want them near him for the moment. We have been trying to communicate but she is resistant, although sends very mixed messages. We agreed that the kids could see him for short periods (15-20 minutes, no family outings, he's not to stay the night) every now and then. Last night he was with them for 4+ hours. I broke, in my mind she has lied about the agreement after acknowledging it that day and I wanted my girls safe so I went there to get them. A dumb move but she is ignoring my feelings all together, even when I've been trying to be there if she needs support. I needed to tell her that. She didn't understand. The kids ended up staying.

I love her, I want her back. Even though I've likely destroyed any chance.

This is but a part of the story, but it's eating at me. Why couldn't she just wait a little to introduce him. Saying good night to our kids, they could only talk about playing with him. She was meant to be spending time with them!

Lost and broken now. No one to talk to, nowhere to go. She and the kids are my life.

6 Replies 6

Community Champion
Community Champion


Hey! Welcome to beyond blue.

I don't really have anything to say to make you feel better. But I am listening. I know that time and character limit means we cannot say all we want or need to say or whatever.

I guess the few things to look at are

(1) what happened two years ago to "create" this change where she no longer "loved" you?

(2) did she/you talk about this at the time?

(3) what was missing from the relationship to create this drift?

(4) do you "know" what to explain to your children? (everything has happened so quickly?)

There are probably many other questions I could ask from your post. Unfortunately, this can also be my style to ask questions. Not that you have to answer any or all the questions here. The reason I will raise this items is if/once you know what happened, you might be in a better place to the work out a way forward; for you, for your partner, and the children. And forward may be with your partner or not. That part I cannot answer, because I know you said you love her and want her back.

If there was only separation I would have raised the possibility of marriage counseling. And even if that was not the case, is it possible or you both to have a conversation where you can talk through the issues without getting into any sort of argument? It may take more than one conversation. Without raising your hopes, you might both then find the spark that started the relationship all those years ago.

You can talk here. The people here listen, and respond accordingly. You will not be judged and the people here are really supportive.

I hope you will come back and maybe fill in more of the story. I find talking good therapy. I also talk to a psychologist though, but if you look hard enough you will find much of my story here; at least what happened in the last few months.

Comfort and strength to you,


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello IS, thank you for your post and terribly sorry for what has happened, but the question of whether she was with her b/friend on the trip and how long this relationship has been going on for is unknown, but I would feel the same not wanting any children to be at his house.

At this particular stage, it's not whether you have lost the chance to get her back but it's whether she wants to return, so if you could give us a little more information, then it would make it easier for us to comment.

I've been through this myself, although it was after our divorce, and also experienced it with my father when he remarried, although it was the opposite, where none of his children were allowed to see him, but the principle is very similar.

Please get back to us.


Hi and l'm so deeply sorry for what you and your kids are going through. l've been there.

l don't think you should be offering her support when she's done this to you and her own chilldren and your right it is sickening that she would be so selfish as to have the kids around him days after destroying her family.

In divorce or break up kids should be no where near anybody new so soon and depending on many things like their age and whether the bf is something long term they aren't suppose to be even introduced to anyone new for at least 12 mths but preferably 2 yrs, AND , only then if that partner is going to be in it for the long haul.Your doing the right thing trying to keep them away from him please stand your ground on this and fight it, peacefully as you can, find the info it's out there supporting it , not that they should need it it's common sense , but she obviously. does. l'm afraid you'll have to look into all the family break up info out there and stats and what's obviously best for the kids and whathave you. It's not a nice thing but you have toi do this for your kids sake.

l 'm so sorry you and your kids are in this, it doesn't matter if she talked to you 2yrs ago or if she's been that ridiculous excuse your going to hear a lot of- shut down for two years, l don't buy that one it's pathetic when a families involved and she should've been working it out with you.] right through for her family.

She might also be in MLC, there's avery good forum that specializes in it and exactly what your going through and filled with advice for you and your kids. Not sure if l can include this , it's called the heros spouse .

l'm so sorry for you and your kids.

Community Member

ps, there's also mens line and parent line and others free call help out there , please use it all to help you through this .

Good luck and again so sorry.

She felt we were growing apart, and there were communication issues. I thought things were better. Hell, all of our 'common' friends did.

She was asking me to do things with her, but we had differing priorities. Me maintaining the house so we could go play. She wanted to play before maintaining. But she never said things were deteriorating.

At the moment the kids hate me. I was 'stealing' them from mum. They are to young to understand the reason I went. It's also hard to explain, but the eldest is in a school program to help.

ive tried talking to her about the problems. Even made a start on fixing some. It's good for me as well as the kids. Bit alas she is not interested in anything at the moment except the other guy. She'll say the kids are a priority, but it's misguided based on her actions.

For the moment she is not interested in coming back. In all honesty, moving into her own place will be really good for her, and she needs to before considering returning anyway.

my main concern is getting us interacting as a family and getting the communication going.

She says the feelings only arose on the trip, but it feels a little doubtful given the rate at which things are progressing between them.