Tough time

[Brokengrl]

I've had a pretty rough 6 months.

I met a guy through a dating website. We immediately clicked, almost like we had known each other our whole lives. He's an educated man. Had separated from his wife several months prior to our meeting. He told me he had been unhappy in the marriage for a long time, sleeping in separate rooms for a number of years, tried councelling unsuccessfully, so he made the decision to separate, not what his wife wanted.

So we started dating. We had an excellent open relationship. Both of us have a history of depression. And we helped each other with that. I did have an insecurity, fearing he would go back to his wife, but he constantly reassured me that was never going to happen because he had been too unhappy with her for too long. He told me he loved me and never felt love like this before. I was apprehensive about telling him I loved him too because of my insecurity, but I did in fact love him, on a level I had never experienced.

We decided that for our relationship to move forward, it was time for him to be clear with his wife that he was moving on with someone. Well. After talking with her, he visited me and immediately broke up with me. He walked away from me. Blocked my phone number. Deleted Facebook. Blocked my emails. Completely disappeared from my life in the matter of an hour. To say I was completely blind sided was an understatement. And it broke my heart in a big way. ( to complicate matters his relationship with his wife did involve children). I have been left frustrated with no answers and no closure. I became depressed.

Shortly after this I unexpectedly lost a very close friend. And this exacerbated my depression. I do see a psych. But I struggle daily with sadness, it's almost all consuming. Functioning at work takes every ounce of energy I have.

I guess I would love some advice on how to let go of the man I love. My brain knows he is gone and the relationship is over, but every day my heart hopes he will come back. I don't want to hope anymore. So if anyone could offer any advice on how to stop hoping, I would be forever grateful. I would love to feel some relief from the sadness, just for one day.

[Brokengrl]

Hi Mary

to be honest it is possible they got sick of listening, but our friendship is largely a two way street. I have provided a lot of support for them, and they me in return. It just feels like constant loss at the moment. And I am lonely.

I agree I need to let go of the ex on my own without closure, it's disappointing to think that after everything he couldn't do something that seemed relatively minor. I will get through it. I feel I have let go of him a bit more, but somehow that increases the sadness.

[White_Rose]

Hello Brokengrl

Sorry my brilliant analysis was not so brilliant. (Smile) As I said, let the toxic friendship go and if there is no real hope of regaining your other friendship, sadly that will go also. I know the feeling of loneliness, feeling no one really cares and very much missing the comfort and love of someone else. I really wish there was a quick way to get past this miserable episode and emerge on the other side with hope. You are already making great strides even though it does not appear this way yet.

Think of it as a seed in the ground putting down roots though you cannot see them yet. Once the roots are established the plant grows and one day you see the green tip of the plant. I find analogies of this sort quite helpful but let me know if this is not your preferred way.

Letting go is so hard and painful. You have said you feel you have let go a little more and that is wonderful news. It may well be a see-saw experience because memories will intrude. Be ready for them without becoming anxious and work out ways to get through this time. Writing in here is good.

Mary

[Brokengrl]

Today has been a rough day. Nothing happened in particular, but I feel my depression is getting worse instead of better. I'm trying to do everything my psych suggests, challenge negative thoughts, getting out and doing things etc but I find I'm feeling more intolerant of people and actions than ever before.

I have this holiday coming up in 4 days, and I simply can't imagine anything worse than actually going. I'm paying for my parent to come. All they have done is complain about weather they will find food they like, or worry the plane will make their back ache etc. this whole trip I have literally paid for them, but I feel it's going to be 10 days of complaining.

I should be greatful that I do have good family and the opportunity to travel. But I just feel emotionally and physically exhausted.

On top of that I feel the most alone than I ever have in my entire life. I have no one to talk to. No one I can even ask for help as the only friend I have left has their own family problems atm.

I want to feel better. But it's not happening. And I don't know what to do anymore

[White_Rose]

Hello Brokengrl

Sorry it's been a while since I last wrote to you. Life has a habit of getting in the way of our intentions.

I think you are on holiday at the moment and I don't know if you will see this before you return. It's not the best time for you to be travelling but once the arrangements have been made and money spent it seems hard to change. I do hope you have managed to enjoy at least some part of your holiday.

I was talking with a friend recently about depression/letting go/feelings and emotions returning. She had some wonderful words for me from her own experiences. When we decide to let go of something and put it behind us, it sounds easy. Well we know that's not the case, but it's the start. After a while we feel we have let go of whatever and start to feel more comfortable. Then with shock we realise it has come back. Not as badly as at first, but still enough to disturb our comfort. My friend explained this as having layers of hurt etc.

This may feel different in some way but it is still the old hurt. We work through this new level and regain our comfort. We may need to go through several levels of this but each time we manage better and it hurts less. Now I'm not in favour of repeating my hurts and resent doing this, but if I can manage better and can see that it is fading into the sunset then I will work hard to achieve this. What complicated people we are. 😊

Please remember you have accepted the romance is over and believe me, that is a huge step. Recognising and accepting are not the same thing but they start to get closer as we work on ourselves.

I don't know if this will give you any comfort at the moment, but I have found that my ability to be compassionate and caring has increased because of my mental health problems. Because I have had to struggle, and in the process cried and screamed, moaned and groaned etc I can recognise the struggle in others. We all react differently but we all have hurts to heal and being with someone who has experienced the agony does help.

I would love to know how the holiday went. Remember you are important and deserve care, so look after yourself.

Mary

[Brokengrl]

Hi Mary

thank you for keeping in touch and your advice.

I have been on my holiday. On the whole it was good. I had a couple of days where I felt pretty down.

Ive been torturing myself thinking about the end of my relationship. I'm just so confused. Right till the hour before he dumped me he told me I was the love of his life. That he had a ring picked. We had even chosen a venue where we would have an engagement party. Then from the moment he broke up with me it's like he flipped a switch and immediately hated me. Since that moment he has been hateful towards me by ignoring me. Thinking of the 2 very brief emails I received, they were short and almost spiteful.

I sent him an email begging him to tell me what happened, what I did to make him hate me. I said to him, I find it interesting that he is very IT minded but had not yet blocked receiving emails from me, and I asked if he liked hearing from me. But most of all I wanted to know what happened in that 1 hour talk with her that made him realize he didn't love me and she was what he wanted. It just makes absolutely no sense to me. Going from planning a future together and being inlove, to literally hating me in one hour.

He has since blocked my email address. Which to me is just another sign he hates me. I don't understand what I did to him to make him resent me so much. I need to know. And would love if any guy had any insight into a mans thinking in this type of situation.

I have drawn my own conclusion that he never could have loved me the way he claimed. If he had, he could not have walked away so easily. And he could not have been as hateful as he has been.

I guess I wanted him to tell me it was some kind of midlife crisis and I was a mistake. Something. Anything to tell me why he hurt me so badly when I didn't deserve it. And why does he hate me like I'm the one that did something wrong?

Many thoughts ? Men what do you think?

[White_Rose]

Hello Brokengrl

Nice to hear from you. Glad the holiday was not a complete disaster. How did you go with your parents? I hope they appreciated the time, effort and money you spent on them.

In some ways it is easier to believe your ex now hates you, for some unspecified reason, and this is why he will not talk to you. I suspect this is not the case. Unless you caused him some great injury, and that is certainly not the case, there is no reason to change his feelings so suddenly. Under these circumstances it would make more sense if you hated him.

I think hate does not come into the matter. If you can stop thinking in absolute terms such as love/hate, I think you will be able to get through this very difficult and hurtful period in your life. Try to stand back a little and see what happened. You met a man you liked and who liked you, he was married but separated from his wife, you both fell in love, the man's wife wanted him back, he agreed for some reason unknown to you, he left you and returned to his family.

Since then you have been trying to talk to him to find out why he left. I have been in a similar situation. Not a romantic matter, but something equally as hurtful and I have never found out why. Yes there are times when I want to bash on someone's door and demand to be told. Apart from the obvious illegalities I would still not be told. I have spent time trying to let go of this hurt and it has faded over time, a long time I must say but it has settled down.

If I remember rightly, and there is no guarantee of this, you had decided to let it go and not contact him again. This was after you wrote to him and asked for an explanation and he did not respond. My dear, I think you have got to the stage when you are only hurting yourself by trying to find answers. I hope that does not sound harsh. I would love to know you are healing and I think you will, especially as you have some people to help you.

Make sure you have blocked him from any contact with you. I know it will not stop you thinking of him, but it will stop a great deal of the hurt. You hurt because he will not talk. It is his decision however selfish and unkind it is. Let him go. I know that sounds easy but it's not. You can only let go one day at a time. Journal your feelings, bash your pillow, do whatever helps to get rid of the frustration and anger. I think you are well on the way. When you start thinking he hates you remind yourself this is unlikely. It's a destructive emotion.

Mary

[baet123]

Hey,

My greatest advice is that time heals all wounds.

I know that it sounds "cliche" but it is true. Keep fighting the emotions and if you need to let them out then do so. Keeping emotions inside which I do very often doesn't help the situation. You will find someone else. Love yourself for who you are.

You will find someone out there. Stay strong!