Time to give up

[Louisegal]

Hi all. First timer here.

My parents divorced when I was 8yrs old, I have an older sister(8yrs older) who was always spoilt & time spent on. Over the years there's been alot of dirty water under the bridge with my mum, sister & I. I've kept in contact with my mum, even though we've never been close, I've always helped & given support. Over 6 yrs ago I wrote a letter to my mum to try & reach out & improve our relationship. In short what was in the letter was about how the divorce affected me & that I don't remember any of my childhood. How I always felt left out & looked down upon. (I wasn't a smart kid but more practical. Whereas my sister was & alot of attention given to her.) How I was bullied at school, etc. 

And how over my adult life I have tried steps to make our relationship closer. At one stage I even moved up to where my mum was to be closer, but nothing changed. I even helped my mum look after her parents.

After a year I moved back to where I was from(better work) as I couldn't see things improving in our relationship. But I would still keep in contact weekly & visit a few times a year.

On my visits my mother never made arrangements or wanted to spend quality time with me like going on walks, shopping,etc. She would go about her days like I wasn't there. Went to outings, bingo, etc. 

So a few years ago I decided to distance myself from her for my own mental health as my mum is a very negative person & can't see the positive in anything. I have explained this to her & she still doesn't understand why I have distanced myself.

Now she rings & the first thing she says is 'oh your still alive then'.

I just feel I can't win. What can I do.

Thanks in advance 

[Faith2010]

Hi Louise, I felt/feel same way sometimes, but went to family Christmas dinner despite my fears of rejection and resentments at past hurts and was glad I went and seen my mum happy I was there. I did tell her how I felt in a txt a couple of days before which im not sure is always a good idea but tryed not to use you statements or angry words. & I talked to a Christian friend before going & she probably helped to just listen & not take sides and show abit of compassion towards my mum as I do want to be forgiving of my mum & have a loving relationship if possible and keep trying & hoping I guess although very painful sometimes hopefully will be worth it as I remember a friend once telling me she regretted not seeing her mum for years before she died. Also there is a support group called acoa that has meetings to support adult children of dysfunctional and alcoholic parents which im hoping will help me more 1 day. My mum has rejected me alot & pushed me away with anger, rage & mental instability at times & I had to live in care as a teenager & i feel likes loves my brother more at times like celabrates his birthday not mine ect so our stories are different but still relate to the difficulties. All the best