The male failure to launch culture

[John_P]

Hello.

I am a male that is 34 years old and i find it hard to 'launch' in a relationship. Other aspects of my life I am a high achiever, great job, high education, great friends. great finances, great communication, ppl say I'm good looking. fit. I never used to be like this. I used to be able to fall for women and love them. I have had a 2 long term relationships that collapsed suddenly, and ever since then, i find it hard to emotionally connect with a woman- and I find I despise them (relationship wise)- (I respect woman and have many great friendship with women) BUT when it comes to dating, I emotionally despise them. It may be my bodies way of dealing with previous hurt, but I am now in a situation where I literally feel physical deterrent to woman from a feelings point of view. Whenever I see a woman I am attracted to I tell myself to go up to her and talk to her but then i think- what is the point? i.e ok-we maybe might date- but the probability of it working in my mind is close to NIL.

I am trying to change this but i find it hard. I see myself retreating to male friendships and not engaging with a beautiful woman. I also find myself retreating into gaming.

It makes me think- Do we retreat to the narrative of how society may tell us? i.e people that know me may say- Adrian- great guy- successful-catch- but with baggage due to a failed previous relationship. And this narrative we believe ourselves? How do we short circuit the narrative we think society thinks of us? because we can in reality create our own narrative.

Also, any hints on how i can overcome this as i want to have a successful long and healthy relationship with a family in the future. thank you. I'm just being honest

[Guest_1584]

l've felt the way you feel about women after a divorce and all the 100s of other divorcing people l come across later and stories , the blinkers were def' off, l'd lost all respect for most women and they were way of that pedestal . But , l also knew l don't have to love women , why ,just because she's a woman , says who , l only have to like or be involved with those l respect, like anyone else. Because of who they truly are and in knowing they're different than the normal standard out there these days. So l've only been involved with 2 women since that divorce, 8 yrs, and both exceptional human beings with real morals and standards . The first one well , apart from that we did have some other stuff , and she did too , but she was still a rare rare lady in this day and age. The other one l am still with and we're probably together the rest of our lives, another rare rare human being .

You don't have to like the rest of the herd , just that one special person and the other few that are in our lives.

[ecomama]

Beautifully put randomx.

I felt exactly the same way about "men" after another divorce.

We can respect human kind but we don't have to give our attention to anyone of either sex and most defintely not our LOVE.

SO happy to hear you met a rare rare lady, the perfect match! lol.

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for that ecomama , and well said you too, l thought that one will get me into the bb dog house actually so it's nice to hear it was taken in context .

l'm sorry about the divorce . God it's disheartening isn't it. l really didn't think l'd ever get involved again tbh l'd completely lost the faith.

l hope you find your peace and happiness . Take care of you. rx

[Elizabeth CP]

I think relationships take time & work. This means more than just going to a nice restaurant & having a nice time. You need to spend time together doing things the other likes, This can't be one sided where one does whatever the other wants & not the reverse. Then you can see what compromises need to be made & if they are worth it. This doesn't mean you have to do everything together for ever. For example my son is very adventurous his wife isn't but she has tried the things he enjoys. Some things she is happy to do as long as she gets the chance to do her own things others she hated & will not go again but she is happy to let him go & do them while she does something she wants that he doesn't like.

You said you are meant to intertwine into each others lives until you become one- which means you have to like similar things, have the same ethics, have the same beliefs, like the same type of people etc....I just feel the chances of that happening and going through the journey to become ONE essentially is an impossible one filled with the probability of almost Zero. That is not true. You need to have enough similar interests to enjoy doing things together but you need to trust each other enough to be comfortable doing other things separately. I don't have to be best friends with my husband's friends We have different friends but neither of us have friends that will try to cause any problems in our relationship. We certainly have similar beliefs & ethics at least regarding things which really matter but we are able to disagree or less important things.

[Guest_1643]

hey rx,

i think your feelings are what many of us go through... no doghouse!!

men and women can feel suspicious of the other gender, and than still want to have a r/ship with them

The worst for me as a female, who was wary of men, was being with a man who was wary of women. We were both so mean and wary of each other.

I'm really happy that in hospital recently I formed a close friendship with a really kind and gentle man - it can sometimes just take one person to change the cycle.

He told me i was a bubbly, good person, and saw my inner qualities, and always spoke to me respectfully and kindly

This bond opened me up a little bit and I hope I can be more trusting to men going forward. I guess as men and women we all have our fears and anxieties after being hurt. I'm really glad you posted Rx because many of us relate to this and it's okay to voice it.

It doesn't mean that you hate the opposite gender just that you are trying to learn to trust again.

[ecomama]

randomx said:

Thanks for that ecomama , and well said you too how sweet! my pleasure rx and thank YOU too.

l thought that one will get me into the bb dog house actually so it's nice to hear it was taken in context
lolol is there a bb doghouse? oh maybe you're in here with me lol. Ofcourse.

l'm sorry about the divorce . God it's disheartening isn't it. Thankyou rx,same to you too. It was devastating at the time, so many disclosures and they were ugly, but glad to be rid of it all tbh. He's a rotten excuse for a human being so NO IT'S AWESOME! Free at last. I love it.

l really didn't think l'd ever get involved again tbh l'd completely lost the faith. THAT'S the the thing right there.Why let another human being dehumanise us? After I began to know my worth, and I was pretty much bugged by my bf lol, I took a long time to check out his character via a close friendship. I'm so happy I did.
He's amazing.

I'm so glad you took a chance again rx, it would be such a lonesome shame for someone to miss out on you lol.

l hope you find your peace and happiness . Take care of you. rx
You too ofcourse.

EM

[John_P]

thank you all. Great perspectives to think about. I think I just got to let go a bit and be more open minded in the future with relationships.thanks