Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

somebun Betrayal Trauma?
  • replies: 4

I've been umm'ing and ahh'ing about whether to post this for quite some time. It's something I haven't told family or friends, so I guess I just need somewhere to vent, and hopefully get some advice or reassurance. I recently discovered that my husba... View more

I've been umm'ing and ahh'ing about whether to post this for quite some time. It's something I haven't told family or friends, so I guess I just need somewhere to vent, and hopefully get some advice or reassurance. I recently discovered that my husband of 14 years has been doing some things behind my back that I find unacceptable - both the behaviours and the fact that he was doing hurtful things behind my back, and lying to me when it was discovered. In a nutshell, he's become addicted to porn and perving online, and was becoming infatuated with a female friend of his (thankfully she's a lot younger and way out of his league, so it was unreciprocated otherwise I think I'd be dealing with a full blown affair). Hi behaviours are all centered around online/social media use including regular online porn use, pornographic emails, googling images from skimpy to pornographic, looking up women on facebook through groups and suggested friends list and going through their photos, plus the private messaging and obsessive 'likes' of his female friend. All these behaviours were behind my back which tells me that he knew they were hurtful, and I wouldn't like him doing it. If he wouldn't sit there next to me going through countless images of women he finds hot, then he probably shouldn't be doing it? I discovered his behaviour by chance - I opened my eyes one morning in bed to see him scrolling through his suggested friend list and opening every hot chicks profile, going straight to photos and opening all the ones he wanted a better look at. Then onto the next woman.. After this discovery it all came out in dribs and drabs (along with lots of lies) about everything else - the porn (emails and websites), the facebook perving, the googling, the obsession with his female friend. I'm not totally naive, or a prude. It's fine to appreciate an attractive woman passing by, on TV etc.. It's incidental and fleeting. But to go hunting for them everyday, in secret - I don't think this behaviour belongs in a marriage. Even porn, we watch together every now and then to spice things up, so why go behind my back? Would love to know your thoughts. I feel so betrayed because of the lying and deceit. My self esteem has taken a huge blow - I feel like I'm not good enough, and if I'd been more attractive he wouldn't have done what he did.

SadSue Adult Child Estrangement
  • replies: 6

Hello, Nearly a year ago we had a falling out with my son and his new wife, now they won't have anything to do with us. We have all tried on various occasions to get together with them but we just get a polite response saying they can't make it. I th... View more

Hello, Nearly a year ago we had a falling out with my son and his new wife, now they won't have anything to do with us. We have all tried on various occasions to get together with them but we just get a polite response saying they can't make it. I thought that Christmas would be a good time to try again but my son has just told me they have plans for all of Christmas and won't have time to see us. He has withdrawn from all his family and friends and I am so worried about him. I am feeling so low and so sad, it is hard to find joy in anything. I have other family members to spend Christmas with but at this stage I just don't feel like celebrating at all. I'm wondering if anyone else has experience with this type of thing and how you coped because at times I feel like I can't.

Mumtoo3 Possibly domestic violence without violence?
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone im new here this is my first post as I don’t where else to ask I have no friends at all literally. I am a mum of 3 I have a partner who I have been with for 4 1/2 years now which my third child is his daughter who’s nearly 5. He works 7-5... View more

Hi everyone im new here this is my first post as I don’t where else to ask I have no friends at all literally. I am a mum of 3 I have a partner who I have been with for 4 1/2 years now which my third child is his daughter who’s nearly 5. He works 7-5 but is a drinker he drinks every single night after work and can’t not have a beer for one night. He has average about 6-7 beers a night he never drinks during the day only at night after 5. he definitely has some attitude problems and anger problems which I clearly asked him to get help for a few times but always refuses. I am thinking of leaving but everytime I seem to mention he lays out killing himself and saying he will take full custody of our daughter. I don’t work because I have a disability and he does so I’m not sure how he could but I was told he can legally take her if he tried and I can’t do anything about it unless I took him to court... the only time I get intercourse is when he wants it when I ask it’s in to tried maybe tomorrow etc just exsuses. He blames me for everything and anything and nothing is ever his fault I had brain surgery last year and plays the you don’t remember card on me. Yes my memory has been bad since surgery but I still know what I say and don’t say or do etc? I’m unhappy I feel trapped because I don’t want to leave my little girl behind because of his threats and at the same time it’s hard because I have borderline personally disorder all though I’m unhappy I can’t stand to be alone regardless I know it sounds bad I tried to put this past many times and I can’t. The thought of being alone kills me and I wel I won’t handle it. I have numerous medical problems and I feel helpless. What do I do? Why would he act like this or do this? He seems to hate my eldest son to but favours my younger son this brings on complications to... I’m so tired mentally

Jazza888 Anxiety Preoccupied Attachment Disorder in Relationship
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I am new to the forums after recently being diagnosed with Anxiety Attachment disorder (I have suffered from general anxiety and depression for many years) I am wondering if anyone here has any experience with this. If you are unfamiliar with... View more

Hi all, I am new to the forums after recently being diagnosed with Anxiety Attachment disorder (I have suffered from general anxiety and depression for many years) I am wondering if anyone here has any experience with this. If you are unfamiliar with what this is, pretty much stems from childhood with inconsistent parenting. The way this affects me as an adult now is in my relationships, I find myself in a constant state of worry if things are not going as they should. As an example, I feel I always need reassurance from my partner which helps me confirm the relationship is ok, I am so worried about her leaving due to abandonment issues with my mother that I always seek to make sure she is ok. This become very smothering and overbearing and I understand now I do this and can take a step back and look at situations as they unfold. I can take the tiniest thing like the way a message was written, a lack of reply to text messages and turn them into a big anxiety attack because i feel like something is wrong in the relationship and my emotions get the better of me. I am working on this with my psychologist and starting mindfulness which I know will help overtime. I guess I am just looking for support from people who have experienced this in relationships to show that you can turn it around. I want to be a better person and partner. Even tonight, my partner and I just got back together this week after she wanted to try again, I was out playing basketball and I thought i'd have messages from her when I finished, i had sent her a few message and she didn't respond, I had nothing, not even a goodnight message, she simply turned her phone off and went to sleep (She does have a kid so that obviously affects her ability to do things too). However my anxiety flared up thinking wow 3 days back together and she is already doing these things. Reality is though am I just overreacting and being "needy" and "Clingy" and this is my disorder and anxiety acting up needing her attention? She doesn't have to text I guess but at the same time am I just blaming my disorder when really she could of just said "goodnight im going to sleep" etc. I know this is a trivial issue but my anxiety is just unbearable and I want to be better and happy once and for all. Thank you J

Zoe30 Both children getting divorced, I’m not coping well
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m new to this but just feel the need for some advice as to how to get thought this horrible period in my life. Three awful things within 12 months... my first child announced divorce as her partner had come out as gay and did not want to remain... View more

Hi, I’m new to this but just feel the need for some advice as to how to get thought this horrible period in my life. Three awful things within 12 months... my first child announced divorce as her partner had come out as gay and did not want to remain in the marriage, my daughter was devastated , they have a 3yr and 5 year old. A few months later my elderly father’s dementia worsened and he has had to go into a nursing home, he is no longer lucid at all., I feel I have lost my relationship with him my second daughter has now announced her intention to divorce her husband as their marriage is not happy, they have a two year old. I feel as if my life is unraveling and am struggling to handle the grief and loss and the huge changes I am trying to be as supportive and strong as I can be for my daughters but I just feel weighed down by sadness. They are both professional successful women, and I wanted them to have happy family lives . It’s heartbreaking Any advice as to how to get through this would be appreciated I have been seeing a psychologist and am trying to meditate and practice mindfulness but some days nothing works. Thank you

ConfusedNanxious Partner had depression, relationship breakdown, and now I'm anxious.
  • replies: 6

I have a past history of anxiety and my last severe episode was in 2017. Towards the end of my recover, I met my ex-partner and we really hit it off. We fell madly in love, got some animals together and even bought a house within the following two ye... View more

I have a past history of anxiety and my last severe episode was in 2017. Towards the end of my recover, I met my ex-partner and we really hit it off. We fell madly in love, got some animals together and even bought a house within the following two years. My ex-partner has always been reluctant to communicate effectively, and is much more prone to withdrawing from a conflict then actively trying to resolve it together. His reactions to stressful situations come from his young adulthood where he was the carer to his Mum who passed away from cancer, and then his father passed away the year after that. So I always acknowledged his past circumstances, and factored that in into how we dealt with conflict. Other than that, we had many fun times together and our relationship was amazing. However, as things progressed, my ex developed a medical condition (not life long, but fairly long term) that saw his mental health deteriorate into depression. I acknowledged this, and still loved him with all my heart. I was no stranger to mental health issues. However, 6 months down the track and his mental condition was not improving, he was stuck into his computer games, and our relationship was completely neglected. I felt so alone in our house, despite there always being two people in there. We would never go to bed around the same time and when I wanted him to stay with me in bed a little bit longer in the mornings, he would just get up, roll over, and head to the computer. At this stage, he was no longer working and his mental condition was affecting his optimism and willingness to achieve our dreams. Our finances were suffering and I was the only one bringing an income in. We barely had food in the house some days.

Joby1 My partner does not want to be loved or receive help
  • replies: 4

Hi there, I’ve done a bit of research, have tried talking to my gorgeous partner, hoping he would talk to me, but he wants nothing from anyone, wants to live a solitude life without people, will not talk to a doctor or counsellor, refuses to seek any... View more

Hi there, I’ve done a bit of research, have tried talking to my gorgeous partner, hoping he would talk to me, but he wants nothing from anyone, wants to live a solitude life without people, will not talk to a doctor or counsellor, refuses to seek any sort of help. And sadly the thought of being in a relationship is simply too much work and does not get any enjoyment in life at all, let alone be loved. When we first met we were both deliriously in love, talks of marriage, lots of sex. A year later he wants nothing. He told me that throughout his life he experiences months of depression, he’s taking antidepressants but apart from that won’t seek help. He had a serious accident years ago which sadly he experienced significant pain but manages that well with meds and rest, but there are bad days. Ive known him for 25 years as great friends since school so I know him well, together 2 years. I love him dearly. I told him to not give up on us, I’m patient and I’m here for him whenever he needs me. We have slept in seperate rooms for months, no contact, I’m not taking it personally. I’ve offered to wait and be there for him but even the thought of me waiting for him adds pressure and he doesn’t know that the love he had for me will ever return as right now he feels numb, nothing. Hes a beautiful soul, regardless if we remain friends I want to be there for him but not sure what else I can do. He just hides in his room and hardly speaks a word. I listen without judgement when he’s up for talking, even though with him not wanting to be with me hurts, I don’t take responsibility for it. Any advice on how I can support him when all I want to do is hold him and tell him how much I love him when he simply doesn’t want that or hear that from me or anyone else at all. What we had was beautiful, I’m not expecting to get that back but I’m hanging onto those memories, a reminder he was happy and in love. The catalyst is not seeing his children very often and an ex that’s milking him dry of funds, very sad circumstances, but I’m trying and I’m exhausted.

Nothappyuni Living Separately under one roof.
  • replies: 4

I have worked hard all my life. I lost everything to an early marriage that was handled badly by my solicitor . But,I built myself up from the ground, bought a unit (with a $15,000 deposit I saved up) and began again. I met a girl, told her whats min... View more

I have worked hard all my life. I lost everything to an early marriage that was handled badly by my solicitor . But,I built myself up from the ground, bought a unit (with a $15,000 deposit I saved up) and began again. I met a girl, told her whats mine is hers and four years later we married and bought a house together. I sold my unit and put the cash into our house. I was badly injured at work and though it took eight years for the courts to negotiate a settlement, I was paid out and used the money to pay off our house. We had kids and life was good for 17 years, then about six years ago it started going down hill. It has gone to sh*t now. The love is gone, we don't have anything, don't even speak much. We live separate under one roof as I don't have a permanent job. However, it has come to the point where I have to walk away. I just can't help feeling betrayed, and lied to. She had dreams, I came on board and together all of them came true, now she is having a midlife crisis and I have been fed to the dogs. She complains of body insecurities being her problem for never wanting sex, yet now I must watch her dress in low, low cut dresses, worn without a bra. I must endure her holidaying with other people or going out at night. Our own children told her it was over the top what she was wearing. But she insists she can't have sex or relations with me because he has body issues? I believe it is to hurt me, I see the delight my discomfort gives her. So I have to leave. I had a home when I met her, I had a payout to cover injuries I have the rest of my life, but I have to leave the house I paid for and start again- or watch the circus as it parades every evening. I genuinely hate life, it is just so unfair. I have been the most faithful person, I spent time with the kids, I bought my partner $$$$ watches, rings and bracelets, I worked hard. My parents gave me $15,000 to help me in uni, all gone into the holiday and drinking account of my 'partner'. And, I have to walk away, pay a bond, pay rent, live in some flea bitten cheap hovel, while she lives in a mansion. She will take years to sell it, while I live in squalor, and the money I gave to the family is tied up in the house or used on drink/holiday/ clothing. She is still very attractive and draws men like flies to fresh meat, while I got sad and put on weight. Oh well, that's my rant, it's off my chest now.

Mummy25 Feeling Broken
  • replies: 2

My partner has just left me after 9 years im so broken. How did everyone else get past so much hurt?

My partner has just left me after 9 years im so broken. How did everyone else get past so much hurt?

Dani1981 Growing up is hard!
  • replies: 4

Hello, So my story is a long one... I was born to a super strict and emotionally unavailable mother and mentally ill father. I didn’t have much of a childhood as a result. My dad would be in and out of hospital throughout my life - he was physically ... View more

Hello, So my story is a long one... I was born to a super strict and emotionally unavailable mother and mentally ill father. I didn’t have much of a childhood as a result. My dad would be in and out of hospital throughout my life - he was physically abusive early on to both of us kids and to my mum, until they pretty much sedated him with medications. This calmed him down substantially. But then my mum took on the dominant role. She started to despise my dad. She looked after him, but treated him as if they weren’t really equals. He had stopped working when he got really unwell, and as a result lost his self respect. He thought I didn’t respect him too, and maybe I didn’t when I was younger. But that had nothing to do with being unemployed. It was more because of his inability to interact with us as a father figure. And he just didn’t have an interest in doing anything. Fast forward to today, he’s no longer with us. And I felt like I was doing okay. Until yesterday when a cousin reminded me about my dad and how we treated him when he was alive. It was incredibly hard having a parent who was ill. I feel life is hard enough as it is, without having no real support when growing up. So I had no real role model, apart from my mum who would consistently degrade my dad. So i would do the same too. I hate that I did that, but I feel like it was unfair of my cousin to say what she did when she has no idea how it felt in our house. She saw it from the outside. I feel guilty now. And I was really hurt. I don’t think she knows just how much she hurt me. But I do understand now that she is not mentally well herself. She is seeing a therapist to try and get over things in her past that she is still reeling over. So it was not a good time to chat with her. Especially when my mum is going to have surgery for breast cancer. So I have issues! To be expected I think... and I’m finding it incredibly hard at the moment. With my mum’s cancer, and work, and I have three kids of my own. Oh, and I also have bipolar. What a life I was dealt! But I have no regrets. I love my life, and my kids and hubby are my whole world. My cousin also mentioned my sister. She has schizoeffective disorder. Maybe I could tell you about her later, as I’m mindful of how much I’ve written already. I appreciate your patience if you have read thus far. If anyone wants to say hi, please do! It does feel good to get all of that out into the open!