Hi N888
Sometimes I think it pays to teach our kids to trust their intuition, those red flags. This way, if we're not there to give them the best guidance or they want to keep us out of their business, they're able to get a really good sense of or feel for their own best guidance. Can never hurt to advise our kids in a way that may sound a little like 'Try to not doubt yourself. If you feel something's off, question it. If you feel someone's bringing you down or they're anxiety inducing to some degree, question it. And if you feel the deep need to question someone or something, don't hesitate to do so'. That could look a little something like your daughter saying to her boyfriend 'Whenever you compare me to your ex, this is something that brings me down. Why would you choose to bring me down?'. Intuition is all about feeling or feelings, so if he was to say 'I'm not bringing you down, it's all in your head', she could confidently say 'No, I know you are because I can feel it (a down shift) and I trust my feelings'.
It's funny in a way how we can condition our kids out of the deep need to question us, their parents, yet questioning people is a skill we need them to have mastered when they go out into this world. Gradually they stop questioning and, in the process, can be led to self doubt. We teach them 'Don't you question me, just do as you're told. Don't question your teachers, it's disrespectful. Don't question your boss if you want to keep your job. Don't question authority' etc. Perhaps we should be leading them, to a healthy degree, to challenge people to provide reasons for their behaviour - a reason as to why an openly degrading teacher loves destroying the self esteem of students in front of their peers, a reason as to why a highly abusive egotistical boss would treat his/her workers in such a disrespectful way, a reason as to why a person in authority chooses to lead through abuse as opposed to inspiration.
I had some red flag boyfriends in my late teens/early 20s and I wish someone had have led me to listen to and trust my feelings. I chose to focus on the excitement of the relationships while writing off those red flag feelings to there being something wrong with me. While hearing your daughter mention red flags, you know she's got basically good intuition/a feel for things. Maybe the topic of 'How to exercise your intuition' could be something you lead her to research on the internet. It's an interesting topic that she might find really fascinating. Getting touch with 'feelings' (being someone who's able to feel everything) might help with her social anxiety too.
