The warmest of welcomes to you as you face the intense challenges of living with housemates that happen to be your kids, while managing it without someone to partner you through it. I truly feel for you.
As a mum to a 23yo daughter and 21yo son, I can relate to what it's like to wonder 'When did my children become grown adults who are driving me to the brink of insanity at times?'. While I absolutely love my kids and get along incredibly well with them, this fact doesn't stop me from occasionally thinking 'How did I not train you people better?'.
I think we can eventually feel our needs not being met. While a lot of those needs may have started off as basic ones, over time I think they can become really deep ones. For example, while there may have been a basic need for the kids to clean up after themselves when they were young, they may have cleaned up a little and we cleaned up the rest. Now, with greater demands on us in life (for whatever reasons), a need for a sense of order in the house that offers great relief becomes a deep need and a desperate wish.
I'm wondering along with you as I try and figure out how to manage my daughter leaving each room in the house a mess, every day. I'm over it, absolutely over it after years of this. I'm not in the best headspace at the moment and the state of the house really isn't helping. Not sure, maybe it's a matter of announcing to everyone 'Okay, I'm officially letting you all know my needs have changed and this is something you need to face'. If we want to get specific, could be something along the lines of 'You, child 1, whether you can feel the need or not, I feel the need for you to start showing me more respect. Child 2, yes you, whether you feel the need to clean up your mess or not, I feel the need for you to do it. I'm done picking up after you just because I want the place clean and you don't. Grow up and take responsibility! Child 3, 4 and 5, if you can't get along then it's time to go your separate ways. Seeing my name's on the lease/title of the house, I have to stay but you are all free to leave or feel the need to start getting along. Make a choice as I tell you that you are not free to stay and fight, no matter what you think'.
After raising little kids and having developed the habit of putting other people's needs first, I think it reaches a point where we just can't ignore what we so desperately need. Sounds like everyone's fulfilling their own needs, including your husband who feels the need to focus on things other than his kids. Sounds like it's time to put your needs first. Wondering how to do it is a good start.❤️
