Should I leave my partner? His ex has made life riduclus, He lost his kids still not dirvoce, drinks too much, still married has depression

[Gems007]

It's been a shit 3 Years, I don't want to give up on my partner but he has dragged me through hell. He was a full time single Dad when I meet him, his wife cheated on him & left the kids & him behind while she enjoyed her life. I came along straight to court she took my partner. They are still married. 3 hours later she turned the kids against us, they now live with her, the family court all for the woman. It's been a year since my partner has seen his kids. The court is forcing him to sell his house to pay her out a huge sum of money so we will be homeless cause he can't refinance cause he had depression. Court doesn't care I have a child. Court doesn't care. My partner drinks too much and is hateful of woman because of his ex. He has a job now but where do I go from here? How do I leave him, after all he's been through without feeling guilty. But his drinking and hatefullness towards females I deserve better. He is verbally abusive when he drinks. Christmas day I had to leave stay in a hotel with my daughter cause he went off due to first Christmas without his kids. It's not my fault yet he can't seem to see that.

My partner has depression that comes and goes. It's always all about him. His ex, his kids, his depression, the family court, it doesn't end. I get told by him I'm selfish and don't care but 3 years I've had enough. Our relationship can be awesome then we have horrible fights that always come back to my fault according to him. Pretty much cause I'm a female and all females run men's life. He is really hateful and judgmental 99% when he drinks. I'm over everything

Where do I fit in, if I knew us being together would drag out his bitter twisted ex I would have ran the other way.

[Betternow]

Hello Gems

That certainly sounds like a very tough 3 years, it would have tested anybody. There not much you can do to challenge the Family Court no matter how unfair you consider their orders.
You say your partner has not seen his kids for a year, despite he being their full time carer prior to the court orders. That seems a bit strange. Is there a reason why he hasn’t seen them for a year?

Your day to day problems in the relationship seem to originate with the excess drinking. He sounds like he is in a confused angry headspace that is only made worse by the grog. He is not the first man or woman who has to sell assets to settle a divorce and he needs to be reminded that what is required now is a clear head and together making plans to rebuild your lives.

If he is not receptive to having that conversation, you may have answered your own question Gems. It may be time to leave before you are dragged down too.

[Croix]

Dear Gems007~

I'd like to join Betternow in welcoming you here. I agree that the Family Court is a most taxing experience and that it may well be either biased, or not have the full facts. In either event trying to reverse decisions is a lengthy, difficult and expensive exercise with no guarantee it will improve matters.

Leaving you in a bad financial position seems unfair, however I'm not sure what you and your partner can do about that other than to try to build a new life.

Please excuse me for being blunt however your relationship does not sound that good. While your partner may be bitter that is no reason for him to blame you and no real reason to drink to excess, which just seems to make things worse. He is lucky to have someone who has been prepared to stick by him throughout three years of bad treatment, though he does not seem to realise it. He cannot see the gold he has.

Having to stay in a hotel with your daughter becuse of his behavior is simply not on. Any decent relationship has love, consideration, a desire to look after the other person -and restraint. Your relationship seems to me to be very one-sided, with none of these things being given to you.

May I suggest you take a step back and try to see the whole picture. It is easy to feel misplaced guilt or feelings of loyalty, however you and your daughter deserve a happy reliable and secure relationship. If in doubt try ringing 1800Respect - 1800 737 732 - who are used to these situations and can give practical advice on your situation and options.

Do you have any personal support, from family or freinds you can talk with, gain another perspective and lean on at the moment?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Gems007, and also a warm welcome.

Betternow and Croix have made some good points which I'll try not to repeat, however, it's not your fault you can't reason with him especially when he's been drinking, it's only a one way conversation where hostile remarks maybe made and repeated many times to the extent where you and your daughter had to spend a night in a motel.

You may love him, but there are boundaries when it has to stop and the first is for him to address the alcohol issue.

There could be a chance to rent is an option.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Gems007]

Thank you so much for the advice. Partners ex actually breached court orders and took his children planned a insane getaway like something out of home and away it was so sad for the kids. He did all the paper work required to breech his ex and get the kids back. It was horrible for all of us. The court did nothing. She made her kids make up lies and submitted it to court and the judge did nothing. More paper work and my partner gave up as his ex went down the sexually abused road (they haven't been together for 7 years) and she leaves the kids with him. After 3 years in court he gave up trying to get the kids back. 50 / 50 with his ex would have been hell. Yep this has put a huge til on us. I need to take care of me I just don't know how to anymore. I gave so much of myself to him and his kids and I feel like I am so drained and empty inside

[Gems007]

I don't really have anyone that understands. None of my friends have experienced blended families. My mother is very judgement and really is not helpful or supportive. The court thing has gone on for so long my friends and family are over it. It's like I'm boring them with it or they just all have their options. They think my partner is stupid for giving up on his kids. Not knowing that the police and court do nothing if it's man. His ex is living with a ex gang member black belt boyfriend. So imagine going around there dragging the kids out. There is no solution that seems fair or right when dealing with selfish bitter revengeful ex's that do not have their kids best interest. All this drama I have been dragged into I'm over it. It's so unbelievable to me that people are this selfish. I heard Gywenth Paltrow podcast on divorce. So much respect.

[Croix]

Dear Gems007~

First let me say I can understand your partner giving up. It can seem fruitless to continue and if the end result was only going to be all the hassles and heart-break of a 50/50 arrangement with someone toxic then why go on.

Sadly it has not ended there but had such a marked affect on your partner that he is embittered and blames the world - including you, then retreats to drink.

I can quite believe the amout of support you have given him over the years , something that means you have given an awful lot of yourself.

So what do you think you would need to do? Do you want to stay and see if matters get better or remain the same, or do you think that you and your daughter have needs that will not be met in this relationship?

Croix