Should I End This Relationship ?

[Nina_M]

We planned to date on 5 Feb. He asked me for the plan. I said we can went to a temple in the afternoon, then have dinner and go to watch movie or just have a chat. He asked so can’t kiss and do other things or I don’t want it anymore. I said we can kiss when I feel comfortable. He said this is running out to be a very one sided and selfish relationship. I said I would not feel comfortable to kiss a man if I don’t have enough emotional intimacy with him and it needs time to build the emotional connection. I can be open and relax when we chat online. However, when it comes to real life, I still feel there’s a distance between us. He said I have a lot of preconceived ideas about relationships and I am very ill advised. I didn’t know what to say and just kept quiet after he said that to me.

Yesterday, he said what had been very clear is that this is all about me and it’s totally unfair, unless I decide to be a bit fair and considerate, he doesn’t think I will succeed in any relationship. I said I will take the time to think about what he said.

I think we were not on the same page at the beginning of this relationship. Obviously, he gets ahead of himself and I am the one left behind. I want to build emotional connections first since I am not that into him, but he always ignores my feelings and my health. He said he loves me and told me love is always unconditional. However, I cannot feel he loves me at all. One day when we were chatting on Wechat, I said I smashed my finger in a door. He just replied Oh dear, then he never asked me how bad it was. Another example is, I said I caught cold and felt very bad. He completely ignored what I said and just told me he found me very very sexy. During the period when we only had work relationship, he was very caring and considerate. After I become his girlfriend, he doesn’t care about my feelings and health any more. Everything is about sex and if I set some boundaries about having sex because of HPV vaccines, he got angry and accused me of being selfish.

He had married twice before and he said he was mature. However, I don’t think he is mature since his second marriage only last 6 months and he blamed his ex for everything.

I’ve never been in a relationship before, so I am really confused whether he loves me or not. BTW, I don’t think his love is unconditional.

[smallwolf]

Hi Nina,

Welcome to beyond blue.

There are a lot of interesting points you raised in your post. As I was reading (and re-reading) I was also thinking about my relationship with my wife. She was also be my first girlfriend. And it is OK to want to the build up some sort of the emotional connection before taking the next step, whatever that is. I see my psychologist on a regular basis, and have talked about some of the feelings you have spoken about. Perhaps it is what we (or I) have seen in movies create some sort of expectation. So the question I was left to ponder with is .... what does love feel like?

And maybe for you... what would be take to create the emotional intimacy you are looking for?

There are times when my psychologist has told me (suggested!) I talk to my wife about some serious item. (I typically dread these moment.) My wife is also someone that can interrupt my chain of thought as well. Anyway, I will typically start a conversation with "please let me get this all out, and then you can respond" or something like that. Whether it is about sex, relationship, mental illness or whatever, in these conversations, it is about my feelings and talking through the issue. About being truly open.

I wonder if he understands where you are really coming from? It is what you wrote in the last paragraph that jumped out at me.

Communication is (part of) the heart of any relationship. Perhaps the answer and the way to move forward and answer the questions posed above will be found there?

Peace,

Tim

[Nina_M]

Hi Tim, thanks for your reply and sharing.

I think we need to spend some together and share our feelings and thoughts more often to create the emotional intimacy. I don't think it is difficult for us. However, it looks like he think our relationship can only grow freely if we skip the stage (getting to know each other on a deeper level) and dart for the bed upon meeting.

We don't talk about non-naked matters. He is always thinking about sex with me and sexting me. Our relationship is too dependent on sex and not deep enough. When I told him I think it would be nice to enjoy each other's company when we go on a date, he didn't believe me. He thought I would look forward to kissing or having sex with him. We shared our feelings and thoughts now and then, but he didn't believe what I told him. I think we have perceptions of a relationship.

What I am looking for is a boyfriend, not a sex partner. I do not believe that he wants to build a relationship with me, but I will try to discuss the issue with him again. If he still cannot put himself in my shoes, I will end the relationship.

Nina

[smallwolf]

Hi Nina,

Everybody has different views on relationships and sex and everything else. And I was trying to think of a reply to you that made some sense. Here goes....

And keep in mind that others might have a different view. Suppose you were "fulfilling" his needs or desires. You got married and had kids. The kids take up more time. After a while, the number of times it happens decreases. And you reach a point whereby sex either is not the most important thing, or the only thing. And you need (?) some other ways of engaging with the other person.

I think this is where you wanted the date to to able to find out more, to see if there was a connection or to create one?

And the question this raises is whether you are both on the same page? There is nothing wrong with him wanting sex, but that might be what he is looking for. But not you. It is not your problem if a guy is not on the same page as you, they are wasting their time? You sound like you are on the right track, and you go after whatever it is that you want.

Tim

[geoff]

Hi Nina, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Someone cannot come out and say to somebody they hardly know that they love them just to get what they're after, love is a deep meaningful word, it's built on knowing and accepting their inner being, feel their sorrow, the pain, the joys and the expected anticipations that might occur and holding hands when you're walking along the street, that the closeness you feel, that's love.

Telling you he loves you without even knowing or sympathising with you, in the hope of getting only what he wants, isn't love.

He has been married twice, the second only lasting 6 months, don't be forced into having what he wants, find a person who can grow towards you, whether it's him or someone else let the relationship develop as you want it to before sex is initiated.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[CMF]

Hi Nina

I think he is the one sidesd person and you are doing the right thing. If you're not that much into him and want a deeper connection before being intimate that is quite all right. He is trying to twist it around and make you feel bad cos he can't get his way. Please don't let him intimidate and force you into something you're not ready for or sure about. It sounds as though you have a good strong head on your shoulders. If you're not comfortable, please don't stay with him, he will not change.

Take care

Cmf x

[Nina_M]

Hi Cmf,

We broke up last night. He didn’t answer his phone and messaged me he was ironing, so a little busy. I messaged him it’s over. He replied it’s very disappointing and sad, very hurtful too. He suggested that we should still share an experience together and make our own memories. I said I’m sorry but no.

So it’s all over now.

You are right. I shouldn't stay with him, he will not change. After I said it's over, he still implied we can have sex (I truly don't believe he just wants to hang out with me without having sex). He is hopeless.

Thank you for your reply. You really helps me clear my thinking.

Nina

[Nina_M]

Hi Tim,

You're right. We have never been on the same page since the beginning. He said he thought what he wants is what I want and what I want is what he wants. Obviously, he didn't know what I want and he ignored what I want.

It's all over now. We broke up last night.

Thank you for your reply.

Nina

[Nina_M]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, that's what I thought when he told me he loves me. I didn't believe him. I cannot believe a man can love a woman before he hardly knows her. People say there is love at first sight. I think the "love" is different from what we are discussing about. It might be more like "like" than " love".

If he tries to get what he wants in the name of love, he is a big jerk. If he truly believes he loves me, I feel sorry for him as he doesn't know what love is and he is 45 years old.

We broke up last night. It's all over now.

Nina