Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Paw Prints]

Hi Azzdog,

I'm so pleased for you on both counts, your new relationship & that you feel you are making progress with your Psych.

Paws

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Really happy for you.

Things sound like they have really turned around for you on that front.

Remember the bridge you were traveling across - the one I wrote about in a post. There will always (?) be something to deal with, but you are making good progress.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

I’ve been a bit awol recently but I have a problem right now and I was wondering if anyone had something to say on this issue.

My girlfriend and I have been trying to consummate our relationship recently and safe to say it isn’t going well. Everything else about our relationship is great but this one part has been really frustrating.

Our communication is really open and honest so there is no problem there. We have been very candid very each other which both of us really appreciate.

However, there is a lot of doubt in my mind at the moment over whether this relationship will last. She has been getting a lot of interest of other guys lately and while she turns them down, it makes me concerned that if we can’t fix this problem then she will just jump ship.

We did have a minor obstacle a few weeks ago where one of the guys that was interested in her gave her pause. But we worked through that but I’m still unsure over what will happen in the future.

Long time readers of this forum will know that I never get interest from other women. Which makes me really scared that this is the only opportunity I have while she will have plenty of opportunities if our relationship doesn’t work.

I hope someone can help, I guess for me it’s just helpful to post here and get it out in the open.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Good to hear to things are mostly working out for you. And that you are both open with each other.

Which brings me to the matter you raised -

What is the frustration you are experiencing? Have you spoken with her about this? How important is it to you both?

Or is this a topic you might have difficulty in talking with her about?

And your thoughts about the relationship are natural considering your experiences. Remember she is in a relationship with you and not the others.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

The problem is performance anxiety. We have both been talking about it openly and we are both planning to see someone about it as well.

I’m just worried that this may not be overcome and she will leave me because she is getting a lot of interest of other guys.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

You are taking positive action which is a good sign.

Can I ask whether this issue might be a side effect of your experiences past? That you are so concerned about doing it perfectly. But what is it? I don't think this is the place to write about all the options. And the other guys would also be playing on your mind?

But treat it like a mindful exercise and engaging all your senses (sight, touch, smell, hearing, ...) being in the moment, being with your partner. And like a mindful exercise, slowly and enjoy it.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

It is due to past experiences. Off the top of my head, I can narrow it down to these points:

• I am not a man. This is something I have felt for years but being in this specific situation makes me panic and doubt myself. If I can't have sex does that make me less of a human being?
• I feel like I am not allowed to have sex (or be in a relationship for that matter). It seems like that my mind still can't get around the fact that I am in a relationship. It's why I have doubts that she could leave me.
• I have had other thoughts that I am not sure I can share here. But I have talked about them in therapy and they are related to the two above.

I am going to see my GP today. I am also going to see a specialist about this soon as well. I am trying to cover all the bases here.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

I understand where you are coming from. And you are doing all that you can which is also a positive. By comparison, I feel/felt like I am not allowed to have any happiness. Put another way, show emotion. Take that away and there is not much left. You could easily give me all the reason why I could or should be happy but the change won't happen overnight.

Sex might be important in a relationship for many people but it should not be the "be all and end all". Connection and communication is also important. So it does not make you any lesser a human. But our past experiences will have an effect on current situations - see prev. paragraph.

For the same reasons you think she could still leave you. From what I have previously read about you, you sounded like you take interest in other peoples views, listen(ed), treat others with care etc. But our past experiences will have an effect on current situations - see first paragraph.

I understand there are some things you will not or cannot share here. I am the same. I hope your opening up in therapy will allow you to find ways to move forward and deal with these situations. My psychiatrist said that recognizing the issue is half the battle. I remain hopeful you will get there. I don't know how long it will take but you will get there.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Yeah I agree with you, sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship. Luckily, we both have really good communication which is open and honest and we have both come to that conclusion that our relationship is built more on a genuine emotional connection than something that is just physical.

Still im doing what I can to fix it. I’ve been to the gp and I’ve had a couple of things knocked out so we know ta not that. It’s essentially just in my mind that we need to work on. We are going to see someone about it next Wednesday so hopefully that will be the start to improving it.

I think the great thing about it is that I have not only recognised the problem but I’m actually taking steps to fix it. It’s really confronting but she has been really supportive about it.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Just want to acknowledge all the good work you seem to be doing at the moment - going to a GP, worked out is a mind thing and talking to someone next Wed. And if your previous experiences have been negative, I can imagine you would be scared to talk about it. Even though you send it was confronting, you took the plunge, and sounds like it is working out for you.

The person that wrote the latest post sounds much different to the person that started this thread.

Tim