Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Dear Croix

Oh no there is absolutely nothing wrong with The Who, its just that my musical tastes are quite old fashioned and that could potentially put people off. I mean, have you heard of Killing Joke? They are an 80s band that are still around today but it would be amazing if I was to find someone who like that style of music considering thats the kind of music I write.

I have been thinking recently about that. I think what I think of myself does send of vibes that could put people off but what can I do to change that? Being rejected since year 7 has done that to me. I'm not talking about rejection from women but from most people. I can be quite intense but thats because I am someone who thinks very deeply about the world and my place in it.

I've actually started to get into tutoring. I have an interview next week and hopefully something comes of that. It might give me more self-confidence. That seems like something achievable. I am talking with a friend about starting a band and my psychologist and I are going to build up an advertisement to put up to encourage some people to join a band.

I just got discharged from hospital by the way. So thats probably why my last message had some heavy points in it.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

Well I'm glad you are out of hospital. If you are like me I worried a lot that any improvements I might have made would be lost in the pressures of the outside world, fortunately not the case. So how are you finding things?

You did ask but what can I do to change that? Well I was sort of trying to think along those lines when I was asking what you could do that was achievable and you might enjoy or feel good about yourself. The band sounds pretty good, and tutoring will let you meet people.

I was not familiar with Killing Joke, but having played a couple of their numbers (Kings & Queens, A New Day) reminds me a bit of Switchblade Symphony.

Croix

[Azzdog]

Kings and Queens and A New Day are cool songs. You should check out Eighties and Requiem. They are post-punk classics.

I'm actually struggling a bit at the moment. Being out in the real world makes you see all these triggers and all the triggers are practically everywhere. There is a part of me that would like to stay in hospital for the rest of my life. I am trying to distract myself a lot but I'm incredibly sad at the moment. It eats me up on the inside to see people in relationships. I feel like I have a lot of interests but there is nothing I can really do. Women are so picky and I just want to give up.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

I think I prefer Eighties, mainly for the guitar work.

Coming out of hospital can be pretty hard, it is after all supposed to be a protecting environment, and the real world does seem rather a contrast, still you have the wisdom to recognize triggers, I guess now finding ways of coping with them has to be on the menu. Can I ask what strategies you have for when you react to something?

As for not being able to do anything, I think you are already, even if you have not seen any results yet. The idea of the band is pretty good, and trying for tutoring is a step too.

Honestly I don't think it is women that are being picky, I think it is you. You are so hard on yourself, and whenever you think you fall short of the standards you impose on yourself you get discouraged. I"m please you have a psych who sounds on your side, it makes a difference.

Do you play any Killing Joke guitar parts? If so which do you find hard?

Croix

[Azzdog]

Dear Croix,

There was something in your last statement that made me really angry. Saying that women aren’t picky. Why is it that I get no responses on dating sites, why is it that women do everything they can to avoid me. Why do they chase after thick skulled simpletons and the. Cry out that there are no nice guys out there? They absolutely are and it’s hard for guys like me to be taken seriously in this world because we are shy and introverted and that makes us look a little weird. You know I haven’t always been like this? Only for about a year and a half. I didn’t have any standards then so why don’t I have anything to show for it? Women are so picky and it infuriates me. It’s why I’ve been to hospital so many times because I can’t work out what is wrong with me. I hate myself and I want to die because I clearly have nothing that is attractive about me. You may think so but I have no one. You do. I don’t. It’s because I am ugly ugly person to look at and a personality as interesting as watching paint dry. I’m in so much pain over this and I’ve asked for more social things to do over the past year from my psych. She did sweet fa. Now they are but I’m afraid I’m too demented in the head to be able to fix what’s wrong with me. I’m going in tomorrow to tell my therapist that life in the real world is too hard. I have a broad range of interests and yet there are men out there who can’t put coherent sentences together and treat women like shit get all the sex they want. What a great world we live in and I’m still yet to meet anyone either here or otherwise that is in the same boat as me. God I can’t explain this anymore. I’ve tried and tried but women despise me.

[Croix]

Dear Azzdog~

It only takes one to be the friend you want, and I'm trying to let you see that's all it takes, maybe I'm not putting it right so you can see. Sure you can be angry at times, and you are down on yourself, but underneath is an interesting and thoughtful person. I'm not trying to deny you have had hard times and maybe not enough luck, just there is more hope, and you are a better person than you realize.

I came to the conclusion a long time ago it was not a lack of suitable people to be with me, it was difficulty in meeting them. Society is not realy set up to meet people in lots of ways. Sure there are dating sites, bars and so on, but not everyone uses them, in fact I'd suspect more don't than do.

You sound very unhappy at the moment, do you have something to do that helps right now, maybe play the guitar or just listen. Can you compose? When things pile on top of me one of the things I do is walk and imagine a special place I knew as a kid, on a cliff by the sea, with blustery strong winds, short sheep grazed turf and the sounds of the waves. Makes me feel small compared to nature and my trouble lesses for a while

I guess I'm saying hang in there

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

The more frustrated I become about a situation or an issue the worse it seems to become before it has a chance to get better or for me to even look at it logically.

My mind can run away with itself and tell me all kinds of stories, yes, there might be some truth in what I am thinking, but how much of it is exaggerated clap trap?

If you keep telling yourself you will not meet some one ever, than you may well live your life in such a fashion that your self prophesising actually does come true. We can do this unconsciously at times.

At times when life doesn't go as I want it to, I sometimes have to "float" for a while, to just relax my expectations, check out what is achievable and see how I might be able to go about getting my goals met.

Okay, so you are wanting a relationship and sex. Some people have sex without a relationship! Are you hoping for a meaningful relationship or just sex? Not everyone in a relationship has sex. not everyone in a relationship is happy.

I can clearly read how frustrated you are. I am just wondering how you approach women? If you have been rejected by a few women, that does not mean that every woman on earth hates you. When we already have pre-conceived ideas on how something will be, we can portray that when we meet people.

We can push people away before we have a chance to really meet each other.

As you have already mentioned, women are attracted to men for many different reasons. It is not always because a person is beautiful or handsome that they attract another person. Personality, character, presence, and so many other things help add to a sense of attraction.

If you totally disagree with what I have written that is okay too. I just know there are times when I have to let go of my anger and frustration, to accept things I can't change before I can move on.

Cheers from Dools

[future_]

I wish everyone was in a relationship that is what makes the humans better people. No judging of people at all. Humans need someone to care for and live with to enjoy happiness outside of work. Pets are great but they dont offer the full humantalking, helping, working together experience and they can take up alot of time looking after their toilet needs or vet needs that there is no time left for your humans needs in a relationship. Please lord grant everyone a loving relationship with a partner, sexual or not sexual.

[james1]

Hello Azzdog,

I am 26 and I also prefer The Who over, say, Kendrick Lamar. I prefer to draw on my own than to go clubbing or even to go to someone's house party. Or even lunch with friends, because, well, I just don't like socialising. So in a way, I understand a bit about how you feel about being different and not at all desirable. This is the first time I've admitted it, but I've probably paid about $400 to bloody dating sites. I got 1 swipe in a year from Tinder (and she ignored my message), let alone from the other places too. It's quite sad.

I don't know what to say. I can see that you are feeling really isolated from females and even angry that they choose other people. It can feel like all the females are taken and then it's just us alone, forever. That can really hurt.

I also think women are picky. But out of curiosity, have you ever thought about what the women you don't see are like? The ones who don't turn up on instagram or facebook or whatever people use for social media. Who don't go clubbing. Don't go on tinder. The ones that you don't see.

I imagine they would be feeling pretty hurt as well by the fact that guys only seem to be going for the other girls.

So I agree with you - women are picky. But so are men. I think there are many people, both men and women, who struggle with this.

There seems to be such a painful gap inside you which wants to be understood. Will a relationship and sex help with that? (genuine question, for me I answered yes though I don't know how true it is)

James

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I read that you were a little put off by some comments in a earlier post. I also noticed that the things you like might not be mainstream. For example, you like "The Who", liking classic literature, politics etc. I also have no idea as to what the people like these days.

I am also aware that people may or may not have, or like to use FB. But my first suggestion will use FB...

One free way of meeting people might be to find a fan page of the group(s) you like and write a post there along the lines of "anyone here from X who want to catch up?". This way, you might get some responses from others, and that might broaden your group of contacts.

You could do the same regarding your other interests?

Personally speaking, I would not worry too much about finding GF. My wife was my first real GF and I would have met her around your age. I was invited to a party (tagged along with my brother) as they were all his friends. I never expected to meet anyone, it just happened.

Could you tell me some of your positive attributes? Or what you like about earlier music and the books you read?

This is instead of comparing yourself to others who maybe "thick skulled simpletons". It is OK to think this, but not something I would say out loud?

Finally, and I am only asking this question, based on the thread title adn contents from your posts. Are you looking for (a GF for) sex? Or are you looking for a relationship? There are two separate things? One lasts for very short period of time? and the other continues for much longer?

I hope that my questions are not too blunt, but to find real resolution to whatever the issues are needs these to be considered. And also determines what I might reply in my next post should you reply. I guess that I trying to understand what exactly you are looking form.

Tim