Seperation - unable to cope

[Siancorn]

Hi All,

My husband and I are separating after 18 years of marriage. This is not something I want, but I don't have a choice as he is cemented in his decision.

I had an emotional affair about seven months ago and we have not been able to work through it as he has been unable to forgive me.

At this stage we are in the same house and have agreed to treat each other with kindness, gentleness and affection as we "both still care deeply about each other" and our son has asked us to work together to be emotionally stable before any big decisions are made.

I am struggling to cope with our situation as we are still cuddling and have been intimate.

I constantly feel anxious and on the verge of tears. I can't seem to shake these feelings..I need help..please?.

[krsm]

Having the affection would make it incredibly difficult as I imagine you would fluctuate from positive (its gonna work out) thoughts to... we’re selling the house heartbreak.

For me it has happened so fast there hasn’t been time to plan, I am still spinning. My strategy is to just get through each day. Today was really, really hard.

If it sells, we’d have to rush out and get our own places, and try to align settlement dates? It doesn’t seem practical at all but I am listening and giving thought to what she says.

Thank you for your messages Siancorn, these are really helping me.

[Siancorn]

My husband is the same about our house. There hasn't been any consideration to the real practicalities.

I have asked to remain in our house and take over the mortgage, but he said no as he will be paying more in rent than I would be paying in mortgage costs. I cut the conversation off by telling him I would consider what he is saying as I think he's not looking at a bigger picture and it feels like he is just out to get the most he can sometimes.

I can imagine today was hard for you. Cleaning the house to prepare for an agent must feel very final. Makes it hard to stay in the present. How do you cope around your wife?

These messages are really helping me too. Thank you.

[krsm]

He doesn’t sound very reasonable, especially when you are trying to help with your suggestions.

We discuss things very calmly, and openly talk about what is going on, it is bloody difficult but I am using every bit of strength to remain confident, and not show her how messed up I am at the moment. We have a couple of kids and I want them to see this is happening as smoothly as possible. As you know, that adds another layer of complexity to our scenario.

[Siancorn]

I asked him to give us 6 months in our current capacity. Just being without discussion of selling. He said no.
I asked him to move out and it became nasty. He was horrible about me in front of my son.
He's left and won't speak to me.

[krsm]

Thoughts are with you Siancorn, these are such difficult times.

I have started to make a list of all the positive things that are possible post this nightmare, it is quite refreshing and putting things in a different perspective.

[Siancorn]

What's on your list? I'd love to hear it.

He has been messaging constantly all night trying to get me to agree to coming home on his terms which are put the house on the market in 3-4 weeks.

[krsm]

Hello Siancorn, how are you feeling? Almost 2 weeks is a long time in our circumstance, I have been feeling between happy and free, and lonely and miserable.

I found this article and resonated with it, it has helped me feel in more control, I hope it helps?

https://medium.com/@ernestabukauskaite/if-your-love-wants-to-walk-away-for-goodness-sake-let-them-b31ff2dcbed3