Separation - help

[Notavictim]

My husband and I have been together for about 7 years and we are currently separated and living apart for about two months now. It's been hard as though its allowing us to figure out what we each want it has also intensified our trust and other issues.
The separation was initially caused by my husband telling me that he had been on tinder and had met a girl for coffee. Though nothing came of it, I was upset and told him I no longer trusted him.
Though he initially apologised and acted contrite, of late he has been very secretive and suspicious answering texts in front of me and not answering calls around me. In addtion to this I found that he had gone on the Ashley Maddison website . His best friend is a serial philanderer as well as his boss.
Yes we are separated but I feel that this behaviour is disrespectful to both our marriage contract and to me.
My contribution to this is my lack of commitment in other ways due to my fear of being hurt as a result of my previous relationship.
This has placed a strain on our marriage in that we have never travelled, gone on a honeymoon or saved for a house deposit. All things that I yearned to do but was too fearful to do so . Owing to being pushed into a corner I told this to my husband effectively, pushing things over the edge.
I want to try to repair this relationship but my husband is upset with my lack of commitment and I continue to be upset with his behaviour and willingness to just throw it all away. Basically we both feel betrayed by each other.
I am struggling with life at the moment especially with the stress from this relationship. I don't know what to do. I'm finding it difficult to do normal activities and the paranoia with regards to my husband's behaviour is a constant distraction.
My husband has said he is currently processing. In the meantime I feel powerless and exhausted.
Sam

[Apollo_Black]

Hey Sam

Really sorry to hear about your situation. From what you're saying it sounds like you're living apart but still in contact from time to time - and both still trying to process where you're at but not getting anywhere.

Can you clarify what you mean by lack of commitment on your behalf?? It sounds like this is a long-standing issue??

Have you already done marriage counselling?? I certainly think it is appropriate if you're both up in the air about things - and might help to un-stick the deadlock, whichever way things may go. I'd certainly be advocating this route regardless of his processing, given that you are living apart and he has been in contact with other women.

Most importantly you need friends and family to talk with as well as professional assistance for your marraige. Let us know how you're getting on. You're not alone

[Carmela]

Hi Sam and welcome to Beyondblue. After reading your post it sounds like your husband has over stepped the boundaries of trust more than once. My question is, is this betrayal something you can forgive?

I am also gathering from your post that you have some healing to do from past relationships. I would strongly recommend you visit this and see a counsellor to help you release this hurt, so you can move forward in your current relationship and more importantly live the best life you can.

Apollo Black has raised some valid question. I will wait to hear from you again before responding further.

We are here for you.

Carmela

[Notavictim]

Thanks Apollo Black and Carmela. Yes unfortunately we are in contact still but I am doing my best to limit it and be respectful at the same time. It doesn't help that he's new place is close by. The lack of commitment on my behalf can be clarified as being so hurt from a previous relationship that I never did anything that represented putting down roots with my husband. We've rented for the whole time, never combined finances, haven't travelled together etc. It is definitely a long standing issue and for that I take full responsibilty for. That said I do not take responsibility for my husband's behaviour. No we have not done marriage counselling though I did speak to a counsellor last night who I gelled with (at least over the phone). I'm planning to see her for a consult with me to see if we can work together. I do have good people around me but I don't want to be a burden on them. At this point I'm not sure if I can deal with the betrayal as I can't really qualify it past what I have been told and suspicion. My previous relationship was mostly happy but also involved cheating on my then boyfriend's part. This was very painful because I really loved him and this boyfriend wanted to reconcile and see a therapist etc, I called it quits and walked away very soon after I had found out. I am very scared of walking out again. But I really don't know what my husband wants. I agree that I do need to address the issues and pain surrounding the first relationship before I can address the ones relating to my marriage. Today I took steps to make things a little easier for me in terms of work and uni and I feel slightly more positive.

[geoff]

hello, I also welcome you to the BB site.
It seems as though you might have been scared to make these decisions with your husband, however there was always the chance that he could have wanted to buy a house or go on a trip, but in the long run nothing happened after 7 years of being married, so maybe this has upset him when no commitment has been put into place.
Perhaps you were never sure of his trust towards you which may have slowly happened over all this time, such as enjoying himself with his best mate as well as his boss with their wandering eyes and philandering, and if this is so then by him saying 'that nothing happened' could be questionable and something you doubt and by not showing or telling you who has texted or rang him also puts question to who it was.
I realise that your previous relationship didn't end well, but when you meet another person all the circumstances can change, and by carrying dead wood into a new relationship is something that nobody should do, I know it's hard not to but as soon as a problem happens you then relate it back to your previous relationship and then combine them both.
Everyone is different, sure they might have similar trends, but maybe their end goal and achievements could go into another direction, and that's what your husband seems to be doing, wanting a goal, and by saying that I have pushed his girl web site and his coffee into the corner at the moment.
The same question applies from me, thanks to Carmela, can you forgive him and do you feel as though a change is needed.
Maybe he wants to live close to you because he really does love you and wants to get back together.
Try and cut the dead wood out of your life, that's past history and I do think you love him as well, but you're scared of the future, but you may have 6 kids and own a house with all the accomodities you ever wanted.
You both need to have a good talk and I hope it works out for the both of you, but please let us know. Geoff. x