Relationship advice about a partner with depression who pushes people away when stressed

[Pink-wafer]

I'm 22yr girl and my partner is 27yr girl. We've been together now for 10months. My partner is from England and she's on a working holiday visa she is also recovering from depression. Ever since we've been together when she has her depressed days she would say hurtful comments to me. She would say, i don't love you, I'm still in love with my ex, I've got no feelings for you and try and push me away. On her good days she'll tell me she loves me, I make her so happy and that she loves life with me. 2 times she's done it before I realised what she was doing and even she admitted that's what she was trying. We've been applying to move into our own place as at the moment we're in a shared place. I don't know if it's the stress with moving and looking for a place but her moods have been low and so recently she told me that she wanted to break up with me and that she was just using me as she wanted to stay in Australia and that she had zero feelings for me and that she was still in love with her ex, and now that she's calmed down she's saying that she loves me and misses me while I'm at wok. Also acts like nothing has happened. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is another episode of her trying to push me away. What should I do? I want to help her. Thanks so much

[blondguy]

Hello Pink-Wafer

Welcome to the forums and well done for posting too! I have depression and will try to help, even a little 🙂

When my depression was strong I used to push my girlfriends away. When a person has depression their self esteem can take a big hit as well and they may feel like they are not 'worthy' of your love and commitment.

'Recovering from depression' is a long piece of string if we choose to measure it. Please dont think I am being negative for a second as I am only saying that depression can hang around for longer for some than for others.

Even being in recovery from depression can be awful. It can sometimes feel like having a heavy dark blanket over your head and even with the brightest and most caring partner 'it can be hard to find our way'

Your partners change of mindset can be the result of the roller coaster ride of depression with the 'highs and the lows' where relationships are concerned. I know you have mentioned 'also recovering from depression' but if I may ask if your partner (or yourself with respect of course) has been diagnosed with depression? and are taking any meds?

You are an intelligent and well articulated person Pink. I am only a guy that has had depression since 1996 and recovering, not a psychologist. Just a reminder that moving house/premises/location is in the top 3 of major life stress triggers.

You mentioned "I don't know if it's the stress with moving and looking for a place but her moods have been low"

I have been in the same place for 25 years and single but if I was to move anywhere even without being in a relationship it would be super stressful to me to then point of me doubting my own judgement through the fear of relocation.

I do hope some of that was of help to you Pink 🙂

My very kind thoughts to you both

Paulx