Hi all,
First time poster. I was diagnosed with OCD at a young age and it is something that has presented in many different forms throughout my life.
Currently, I’m experiencing something completely new. I have obsessive compulsions to look at my husband’s ex-girlfriends social media and basically ‘stalk’ her online. After researching this feelings/behaviours online, I stumbled upon ‘retroactive jealousy OCD’.
It’s a behaviour I’m incredibly ashamed of and desperately want to stop, but I can’t. It feel exactly like all my other OCD compulsions, like an itch I have to scratch. I spend hours each day searching her name online, trying to find old social media accounts, photos of her, news articles, and mostly things relating to their time together. I’ve broken into my husbands social media accounts, just to read over their old messages to each other.
I know this is going to sound absurd. But I’m not even jealous of her! My husband is incredible and our relationship is incredibly healthy. I have absolutely no concerns that he harbours any feeling for her or that he’d leave me for her. My husband is aware of this behaviour and it’s something he is super compassionate about, trying his best to support me where he can. But I know it’s uncomfortable for him to talk about his ex, as it wasn’t a healthy relationship for him. He’s moved on and I want to also!
After a lot of reflection, I think this behaviour stems from a place of control and power. I struggle greatly with feeling out of control. I think that if I know all of the information about her and their past relationship, I can have a stronger sense of control? All of my OCD behaviours stem from wanting control.
Anyway, just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced this and what techniques you have used to help end/reduce this behaviour?
Thanks,
Lala
