Repeat cheating husband, 20 year relationship

[Izzabella2022]

Hi, 

looking for advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. My husband and I have been together for 20 years (high school sweethearts) married for 10.

we have 3 children, our youngest is only 7 weeks old. Last week my husband admitted that during the past 5 years he has cheated on me more times than he can count with one night stands whilst away on work trips. He didn’t feel guilty at the time because I was not providing him enough attention. So this is how he justified it. It was more like a hobby than cheating. Then He then said what started as a casual sexual relationship with a colleague 12 months ago has now turned into a loving relationship with a girl 17 years younger than him in which he is not sure if he was going to leave me for  her. 

he was distant, detached. Had no interest in this pregnancy even though we openly talked about pregnancy termination to which he convinced me otherwise. 

After the initial conversation, we talked about if there was an option of staying together and making it work, for ourselves and the kids. He has since broken up with his mistress but is not convincing that he won’t do anything again in the future. 

I am lost as to what to do. We have been together for my entire adult life and my world has just come crashing down. 

had anyone made it work after this extent of cheating or is it just prolonging an eventual separation? 

Thanks 

[smallwolf]

Hello.

I cannot answer your question as I have not been in that position. But i can reply to other parts of your post. You mentioned that "I was not providing him enough attention" and I assume these were the words he used as justification. This may have been what he was feeling, but to then take the step of looking for something outside of the marriage is difficult the fathom. That it has happened over a prolonged period of time would make me feel unloved and hurt. 

You have spoken with him about staying together ... If he did _not_ cheat again, is this something you can live with? 

I guess the thing that would be on my mind is ... is he just telling me what I want to hear or has he actually stopped that behaviour?!?

I could suggest couple counselling to help you both work on the relationship OR to determine whether it all too much for him (or you)?

I am sorry there is not much positive in my post and really feel for you as I believe you deserve better than that. Listening...

[Juliet_84]

Hi Izzabella,

I’m sorry that you are going through this at what should be a happy time, following the birth of your new baby. I believe that a marriage can survive cheating but that really depends on one fact - whether this was a mistake that is out of character or whether this is a pattern. For example, if it was a one (or few time) mistake, if the person willingly confessed because they couldn’t live with the guilt of their actions, or if they were honest and took responsibility even though it was hard or uncomfortable, and were otherwise honest/forthcoming then I think there’s hope. But your husband by your own admission seems detached and devoid of empathy to you or your situation considering the recent birth of your baby and has instead blamed you for him cheating with “too many to count” because you weren’t providing him with enough attention. What happens in that case when you are unable to provide him with sufficient attention to his liking when you are struggling with your newborn? Is this something you need to worry about constantly in addition to trying to raise your children? I understand that you must be feeling pretty vulnerable right now and can’t bear the thought of separating or one more thing, but you have to ask yourself how much help you actually get from this person. I have a quote that I often remind myself of “don’t forget who was there for you during hard times, who left you in hard times, and who put you in hard times”. If you love this man and honestly believe that this is out of character for him and he has shown reasonable steps to work on himself) then by all means go ahead, but decisions made out of fear in my experience have a tendency of ending poorly. 

[Mrs Bones]

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. My husband cheated on me a few years back. It was extremely difficult. He blamed it on depression following redundancy. Whilst we have worked through a lot of it, the pain inside me can still stop me in my tracks at times.  I also recently found out my niece (newly engaged) had the same thing happen to her. It’s a situation that I find difficult to pigeon hole, which is why I still can’t get over it entirely.  I hope you can work through this within yourself. Stay strong and true to yourself.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Izzabella,

I am so sorry that this has been done to you.

I don't know what prompted your husband's confession, however you need to look after yourself and your children first and foremost. Unfortunately, your husbands needs are not a priority right now.

You will go through an emotional roller coaster over the next 12 months and I feel for you. (been there a lot). Work through your emotions and at the end of the next 12 months, you and your husband need to decide whether you have a marriage worth salvaging.

In the meantime, look up surviving infidelity and read up on advice there. Your husband also has a lot of work to do if he wants to save your marriage. 

Good Luck and take care of your precious babies.