FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Relationship over due to lying/ cheating. How to fix it

nadssss_
Community Member

A week ago I got super drunk at my work Christmas party and kissed a work colleague who was not my boyfriend (now ex) My ex and I were having problems beforehand and I used that as an out by cheating. I regret my actions deeply and I told my ex what happened and he broke it off (as expected) but he didn’t break it off only because of the kiss ,he broke it off because of my constant lying too.

I have struggled with persistent lying even lying about little things that someone doesn’t need to lie about. I didn’t tell my then boyfriend that I was still talking to my ex , I didn’t tell him about my religious views. I realised I was on a bad path and I was treating him badly while together but it’s like I couldn’t stop, I was on toxic path and I knew I was ,but it’s like I couldn’t change it. And then finally the bad behaviour caught up to me when the events of the cheating happened .

It was a wake up call that I needed help. I don’t want to play victim here and I realise I’m at fault and all the things that happened, I did them, but now I want to make amends for all the bad things that happened . I want to stop lying ,I want to be truthful , I never want to cheat again it was the biggest mistake of my life, I want to repair what’s left of my relationship if there’s any hope of a reconciliation between my ex and I , I want to be better but I don’t know where to start.

I don’t know where and how to get help. I don’t know how I am going to get my ex to ever trust me again. Like why should he trust me, I broke his trust many times. But I love him and we were so happy and we were planning our future together and I don’t want to lose that over a drunken mistake and the fact that I can’t seem to be honest.

I am just so lost but I need hope in order to keep fighting. I need hope that I will get better and that I’m not just a lost cause. I need hope that I won’t be like this forever because I can’t live like this.

5 Replies 5

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Nadssss, welcome t the forums.

Christmas parties can be notorious for overstepping the mark in terms of doing what you usually wouldn't do in a controlled environment, however, it can be an impulsive way of not thinking through with what the repercussions may lead to and any arguments that may transpire, probably because alcohol is involved.

Even if you love your ex, as you say, that's something you need to prove to him and actions may mean more than words as you can't be sure that if you say it then how can they believe you because trust has been broken.

Perhaps write down some scenarios on some paper and take this when you go and see a counsellor, they can then discuss these situations with you and the possible outcomes.

Nice to hear back from you.

Geoff.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi welcome

Show me a person that’s made no mistakes and they wouldn’t be human.

Two things to mention here- firstly, you have remorse and secondly if you don’t get your partner back it is now out if your control.

Remorse is a good thing but guilt isn’t .

google

beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

The only thing you can do now is invite him to talk then leave him to decide.

Finally, in my case I’ve had 90 jobs in my working life and only ended up with 2 friends from them. I only stayed at work xmas parties for one hour and discreetly slip away and not drink alcohol.

All the best

TonyWK

nadssss_
Community Member

Hi Geoff

I know actions speak louder than words but I just don’t know how I’m meant to show him if he won’t even consider anything from my perspective or even listen to what I have to say. He won’t meet up with me for me to show him anything has changed. I just don’t know how I’m meant to show him I care and still want to fix this and am willing to put 100% effort in when he won’t acknowledge it.

I have booked in to see a psychologist next week and have prepared a list of talking points so hopefully they are able to go through them with me

All I know is that I won’t give up.

nads.

Hi TonyWK,

That’s right I know everyone makes mistakes I just want there to be hope that I can come back from this, and that I can learn in order to be a better person for myself, that I’m fixable.

I am not trying to get back with my Ex because I feel guilty. If I didn’t actually love him or just felt guilty I would just accept things and move on.

I won’t force anyone into being with me if they choose not to then I respect that. But the fact he hasn’t really made a decision about our future, and he hasn’t decided if he’s willing to give me another chance , that is what gives me hope in trying.

Friends come and go but the friends I lost are childhood friends who have been in my life for 10 years.

nads.

Hi nadsss,

This is a topic I am familiar with, that and the narcissistic behaviour of a controlling partner who is insecure within themselves.

I met my X-wife 25 years ago and fell head over heels for the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Problem was she accepted my male friends phone numbers, they fell out of her bag one day 3 months into our relationship. I was shocked and she explained it was just in case we didn't work out. That was a warning I ignored. At six months we were out one night and a guy walks up and says I am a no hoper and my partner had agreed to go out with him instead. My "partner" had to admit she had told him where she would be and indicated she felt he was a suitable partner with higher prospects than me, ALL the more fool me for staying.

We got married, we had children. She would disappear without contacting me, and say I was a controller for wanting to know where she was. 25 years of confusion and pain later I left. She is demanding I come back, and listen to her side. She threatened she would destroy me if I left, she threatened suicide if I left, she told me I was self centred for wanting to leave.

She had an affair with a work colleague, that was what finally gave me the strength to leave. I have been to 4 psychologists and numerous social workers, they all calmly explain I am a victim of abuse. All my female friends were driven away, male friends I avoided because of her flirting with them. I had to dress, I had to socialise with, I had to watch tv: that she wanted/approved. I had to give up sex and intimacy because she said so- while she continued to walk around naked in front of me.

If he was everything to you, why kiss someone else? If he was everything, why value him so much now it is over and not during the relationship? You said you "were having problems before hand" and that prompted the work incident. Are all those problems fixed now?